|June 07, 2021 //_ 10:36 AM|
i don't know where to start.
a couple days ago, we had to put down our sweet baby Spooky. she had begun showing signs of advanced kidney failure (losing weight, drinking a lot of water, having minor accidents, losing energy) and we had to make the call to ensure she doesn't endure any more pain.. she was still socializing, still purring, still eating some.. but we just knew. and deep down i believe she did too. and i'm so, so so glad we were able to do it in the comfort of our home, in the space she felt most safe and secure.. and with the people who love her surrounding her.
she was the last piece of our life together that survived the Camp Fire.. and she brought us so much love. it still all feels so unreal. like we're on vacation and she's just not around. and the house just feels so cold. so empty of life.
i'm trying to keep things positive, but my brain keeps wanting to bring in thoughts of "what if she could've lived longer?" and "what if it was too soon?" .. we all know it was the right time. and this line of doubt tries to inflict a guilt that can only be defended with reason. she could've already been in pain, for who knows how long, but towards her last days it was clear she - as well as we - were losing control.
and i know things will become softer with time.. but for know, this blade cuts deep.. it's like one moment being calm and normal, and then immediately something will trigger a thought and the whole world crashes.
i can't thank her beautiful spirit enough for giving us so many memories.