sigh.... this day started off alright, but now my thoughts are in a frenzy to pull me into the hole again... the hole from which i just recently escaped.... this really sucks.... right now im going to vent, and since no one reads this, im not going to hold anything back....

ok does anyone know how it feels to want something SO BAD that you would do anything and try everything to get there? something that you've wanted all your life, since you could even start to imagine anything, ive wanted to become a bassist in a band. but now that i look around at my school and myself, that hope will NEVER come true.... i just spent about an hour crying over this and i know it sounds pretty pathetic, but ever since i heard music i KNEW i wanted to be in the music buiz somehow, no matter what it took. i mean just recently ive been saving up for a bass amplifier that would be about 300 watts and would be a pretty good performance speaker for my bass. i've been practicing the bass and learning about it about 4 months ago or so, and just before i found out my love for bass, i knew i would never make it as a singer. when i was younger all i wanted to do was sing, i loved it - and didn't care what others thought of my voice, but now that im older and much wiser, i know hollywood is only looking for those good looks / mysterious / people-to-mold singers, and i realized im not like that. plus i found out that my voice wasn't that good, and with that i was able to deal with it. so then i had to find out something for me to do, i wanted SO BADLY to be in a band, i just needed to learn an instrament, the bass was the first thing i considered. and eversince i got my baby bass (from which i call Jonathan) i've been hooked on it. from that i knew i could be in a band, im pretty good at it (im not boastnig) and i feel that i would be a perfect guy to be in a band.... now the hard part was finding the rest of the members.... but now that i look at my school (from which my dad said i had to find members from there or else i was wasting my time trying to be in something i'll never be in) and NO ONE and i mean NO ONE that i've met so far is willing to put in the blood, sweat, and tears into music. no one is willing to be serious enough with this to pursue it as a life job, and i dont see playing bass as a job, its my way of life. and i can't believe this is happening, my dreams are being shattered by the harsh reality that i'll never amount to anything... this is devastating to me no matter how pathetic this is to you. no one at my school (may i repeat, that i've met so far) has the image, time, or talent to want to be in one, and plus the fact that there are only about 6 people in our whole school that even like heavy metal... now this is why i get depressed and shit... thinking too much. so now im conteplating if i should just stop it all, stop practicing the bass and try to find another profession that i might be able to do, or keep trying. maybe i should keep trying and one of these days i'll run into someone or some people that need a bassist for a metal band. maybe i'll be lucky enough to find them out, but until them im just being my miserable self. i can't stand this world - this shit is probably the reason why i tried to kill myself so many times. oh the thought of just ending it all... no one would care anyway, everyones too caught up in their own simple problems of the time being, no one looks ahead to the future... and maybe their the lucky ones, they dont have to worry about it as much - they got it all planned out to just see what happenes, while me on the other hand just worry too much...

i know this is going to sound SO pathetic but i just want to make it in a band so much - i would litterally do anything for it to happen... but i just wish i was at another place in time, i wish i wasn't in sacramento, but the city where korn was made, maybe there i would find people that would fit my description... but then maybe im trying to be someone im not... i know for a fact i want to be in a band - its no lie, but maybe im overlooking the people who matter most to me...

today i was talking with my friend loretta and she recently bought a dream analyser book. so i told her a dream and she looked it up in the book to tell the hidden meanings... turns out that im suffering from "unsatisfied hopes and aspirations" i nearly cried when i heard this... its so true its just scary... i dont know anymore, maybe i should just end it all...

i'll be sure to update this online thots journal soon, i just need some time to think... until next time