its 11:07pm ... i dont feel right. i feel like my life is being wasted... i mean i look around my room and its filled with pictures and posters of famous people - people who made it - people who influence - people who matter to me, and i just want to be like them in some way... heh, and im listening to "landslide" on repeat. just everything and everyone i look up to are famous in some way and i just want to be in a band and make it big ya know? i try to think of "well, if i dont end up being in a band - i could be .." and i can't think of anything... anything that i would rather be. nothing else interests me. i dont want to end up being like everyone else - i dont want to end up going to work and hating it every day... i want to be a bassist and i want to produce music. this is non-sense, i've complained about this too many times and yet it still keeps biting at me... i cant shake the feeling that i'll never find a band to be in, that i'll never be found, that i'll never make my dreams come true and that i'll always be lost in this sharade. its not a good feeling. i just need someone to hug and never let go of right now. i want someone to make these thoughts just go away, i wish i could just focus on right now, but i cant. the future matters too much to me.

you know... i remember watching jackass:the movie and it was all good while watching it, but as soon as i left - i felt like nothing else mattered, like my dreams where shit, that i wouldn't amount to anything, and that i was nothing. i think the problem i have is i compare my life to others too much. either that or its something deeper. i cant express to you how badly i want to be in a band. i know this sounds so pathetic to you, i mean there are probably tons of other people that want to be famous too, but to me - i dont care about them - i care about me. its kinda like the song "i believe in me" by lisa 'left eye' lopes... only i cant seem to be confident with myself, i always have something that bothers me or something that i hate about me.

nothing right now matters...

nothing is right in my life. i cant find self peace. i need confidence and asurrance that i can make it.

just a few minutes ago i was on my bed - on the brink of breaking down... i dont know if i can handle this. and everytime i bring this up with friends they tell me "oh you'll make it, just believe in yourself. if you think you can make it, you will" and as much as i would like to believe them, theres something inside saying "what if"... and that's not something i like to think about.

--

"Thots"

nothings changed

the senates still corrupt

& the emporer remains insane

and everyday

is a new strain of slaughter

supply lines are less protected

evil on all sides

eye can smell the death on your flesh

-- creeping in

trapped within the twisting fingers of fear

and all eye see is ewe

that face

those eyes

burning like leprosy

eye can see u there

poisoning the air

prostituting Nationalism

and eye want to attack

to rip out your heart and lay your flat on your back

and vomit a world of agony and truth

into your throbbing illness of memory

... and hate guides our way

eye long for the icy slap of a belt across my back

for the acceptance of death and blind cave war

the giving sleep of depression

the sweet elucidation of savage, meaningless aggression

chiseled in the meaty forearms of Mother Jupiter and his slave disciples

in the harem tents - outside

just beyond the edges - eye ride

a cycloptic mare in the fires of imagination

feeding my disease

a river of plagues

eye need something to remind me eye am still sinning

that pain in important

that wurdz matter

that healing in possible

that eye am not alone ... in this

- guard the houses

- triple the watch

- maidens, dig up your sorcery

- sirens, sharpen your rocks

... ewe will eat my pain again