well today was a mixmatch of feelings..

i woke up.. and as usual i sat up in bed and just wished that everything was all just a dream, that my whole life has been a dream.. but then it hits me, that the only dream i had was that of beliveing everything was something its not... if you didn't understand that - sucks for you..

anyways..

today i feel productive but yet tired and depressed.. it seems that there's absolutely nothing to look forward in ANY of my classes, its actually pretty sad cause my favorite part of the day is math cause there i dont have to do more than whats needed - i never get homework and its a pretty easy class.. but yeah, every other class is just begining to get useless and damp.. its just like a vacuum that just sucks all ther interest out of me.. it leaves me feeling shitty and unresorted..

its almost like im paranoid, i keep thinking why things happen for what reasons.. i guess im taking my friendships (or should i say "friendships" at all?) under consideration.. im not saying all of them are going to hell, cause most of my friendships (why do i keep saying "friendships"?) are doing fine.. its just.. thinking .. thats all..

as i sit here.. i reminese on these past photos.. all the happy times, the times i thought that everything would be just PERFECT.. but then i look at myself now and just notice all my faults, the times i've failed.. in love, in dreams, in friendships (there's that word again) and in life basically..

sometimes i wish i could be someone else (i wont say who, but to some they'd probably know.. "Person X") just imagine how it would feel to be them, how they would act.. how they perceived things.. but i know that can never be true, and to that i just break down..

i wish there was some way that i could make these feelings go away... i keep asking myself "how could i feel this way towards this person" and "why am i so obsessed.. its not like i know them that much" but then i look at it and i just say... isn't loving them enough? when you love someone, you have a bond, even if they may not know how you feel, they can sense it. thats why true love is never blind.. love has different directions and in a way - it can be sought after as 'blind' but in reality, love doesn't have eyes. it only has thoughts and feelings - and to that i know i am (and was) still in love with someone.

heh, since no one reads this entree anyway, im just gonna start saying how i feel about stuff..

WAR: i feel that war is actually a good thing, who gives a damn about innocent lives - if IRAQ or whatever really cared about their people they wouldn't be acting like such jackasses.. so why should we care? we shouldn't. and thats why i say war would do some good in this world full of idiots...

SATANISM: well what can i possibly say about this? im agnostic/satanic and did you know what if you're not 'christian' the bible automatically considers you a satanic worshipper? yeah - thats totall bullshit! i cant understand how the 'one soul creater of life' could be such a closed-minded person (or thing). just because someone doesn't believe in the bible 100% doesn't mean that they dont believe in a higher force.. god can be such a self-centered thing.. and therefor i dont believe in 'god'.. at least not the one described in the 'bible.' but anyways, i dont believe in organized religion. period.

LOVE: .. love is a bitch, at times it can be so rewarding and just the best feeling in the world.. ESPECIALLY when the person you love or care for knows it.. but on the flip side.. it can be so traumatic to love someone and just watch them slip away, watch them ignore you and not pay attention to how you feel - especially when they move away and you never really got to say goodbye...

i guess i have to go, gotta conserve my time on the computer.. i got about an hour and a half left.. i'll come back later...

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