Blah.. I feel really hyper right now.. I just choose not to show it.. I think sometime between the small penis motercyclists' cussing at us and the orgy in a back of a car - I just felt really left out. I don't think I really fit in sometimes and I get really uncomfortable when I'm with friends but I'm just kinda there.. Well, I felt like this alot tonight.. I was just.. There.. But it was all good fun.. Even if I didn't really have any buisness there.

Anyways.. On with my stupid little depressing rant..

Well.. I'm in love.. officially... I think I figured it out when I caught myself about 239 times staring at one of the people I like in class.. It really sucks cause I KNOW that I'm setting myself up for some major heartbreak and heartache later on down the road. And when that class ended I felt so alone.. It's almost like when I'm with them or in their presense I feel that I'm with someone I've known all my life - even though I've never talked to them.. But oohh... They're so beautiful.. I could stare at them forever.. I just.. I go speechless when I look at them.. Sigh.. I just can't stop thinking about them..

In fact, I was feeling really bad today cause I never really got a 'last look' when I left the class and it left me feeling unfulfilled and aggitated.. It's like drugs.. I took one look and I'm addicted for life.. But I can't help who and what my heart loves.. I just want so badly to have the chance to just run up to them.. give them a HUGE hug and a kiss ... and just .. hold them... ah.. ok I'm not gonna cry.. I'm not gonna cry...

Another thing that I'm getting pretty messed up about is the fact that when I start to talk about my issues to some of my friends they don't care.. I mean they literally don't care.. Or at least it seems like it. There's about only 2 or 3 real friends that seem to care (or put on the front that they do) and actually take to heart what I have to say.. And to those friends I'll always be there for, cause they're being there for me. But there's a few that just talk a bit then just pass time by not really listening. I mean I know they care about me, but I don't think that they care what happens to me.. I don't know.. Maybe I'm just illusioning things..

I mean.. I have great friends.. but I feel like I don't have everything I need.. The things I need is a soul mate - someone who understands and someone who cares .. Which I wish could be JL, JM, or JH.. (only my close friends know who those people are)... *SIGH* I need some time alone to just.. I dont know.. I dont feel like crying and I dont feel like being happy.. I just feel.. worthless.. That's all.. I just wish I could have someone to come home to and just hug.. kiss.. hold... but I guess that'll never happen...