Ah... I'm feeling pretty upset right now..

I look around and I see all these people with a boyfriend or a girlfriend and I just sit here and wish I could feel the emotions that come with being with someone you love and appreciate.. I don't like the fact that I don't/won't have someone there for me to stick by me and to hold me through the tough times.. I wish there was someway for that to happen - and in reality I could - but knowing me, I'm not willing to put myself out there like that. I wish there was just something simple.. Just .. ugh.. I don't know anymore.. It's like - everyone CAN and WILL have someone there for them except me.. Yeah, of course I have friends... but I won't ever have a relationship with a person like I want it to be..

But then again there are those type of people that currently don't have a boyfriend or a girlfriend but they CAN have a boyrfriend or a girlfriend... but for me.. it's like.. I have to wait till I'm old enough to go into a bar or something and be with people that I know are like me.. *sigh* it's just really getting to me ya know..

I look over my Person X pictures and just close my eyes.. and just imagine them being with me... going to movies together and cuddling under a starry night.. Or going to their house and just hanging out and talking about things.. and getting romantic ya know? But then I flip out of that dream and come to the reality that they're gone.. They won't be coming back.. And most of all that they don't even know me. *sigh* ...

I think everyone that is having problems with their boyfriend/girlfriend should be happy that they even have someone there to be with.. Through all the hard times and no matter how stupid the argument is or how large the issue is .. at LEAST you have someone there. People these days take for granted their relationships.. cause there are people out there - like me - who are so desperate at the thought of having that certain someone care for them or even god-damn notice them..

It gets harder for me every day, cause I see all these people that I love sooo much, but I can never tell them how I feel ya know? I want so badly just to go up to them and hug them and tell them ".. I love you" but doing so would probably freak a LOT of people out. But its just so hard cause I have these feelings and they need to be expressed and having me hold them in isn't good.

Most, if not all my friends, know about them too and when I start to talk about them they listen but I'm sure they don't want to linger on that subject. Even though on Saterday we spent a good amount of time talking about things - I was holding back a few things that I wanted to say about Person X but I felt it was innapropriate for me to talk about them due to my friends breakup.. Sooner or later I'll probably bust and just break down about Person X.. I know the subject has been dragged on forever but I still haven't really been able to talk freely about them with Loretta, Kami or Angela.

Ah, ok, I keep drifting off in a day dream..

Have you ever.. come home on numerous occasions and shut the door and just started crying cause you felt so miss-understood and alone because you felt that the one you've loved didn't care about you?

I have.

Have you ever.. felt that you needed to have that certain someone with you - and when you weren't in their presence you would feel physical pain and break down emotionally?

I have.

Have you ever.. given your heart to someone only to find out that person won't give their heart to you?

I have.

Have you ever.. wished so badly that the person you cared for would even notice you that when they would glance at you, you would act like a complete idiot in order to make them think you were cool?

I have.

*sigh* .. Eh.. I guess I'm gonna go.. I'm feeling pretty low right now..

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