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Tuesday Afternoon - The Reflecting God ...
2003-03-04 //_ 4:13 p.m.

Well, today started off extremely shitty.. I woke up and was just like .. "I wish I was dead..." and I just rolled over.. then remembered that I HAD to go to school.. So I jumped up - glanced at the clock [which read 6:39] and immediately headed to the bathroom..

I went into the bathroom, locked the door and looked into the mirror.. Somehow I have it shooved in the back of my mind that I'm ugly.. I can't stand my face anymore.. I've seen so many better looking faces and I realize that compared to theirs - mine is not what I wish it could be. I find myself un-attractive, that's why I find myself working out 2 hours a day.. I just wish I was someone else - ya know?

After that confrontation in my own bathroom [..ok..] I got dressed and rushed to my bus-stop where I got onto the bus and saw one of my best friends.. She made me feel a bit better - in-fact, all my friends tend to make me feel better - just their presence makes me feel good..

The rest of the day was kinda just tippsy-turny.. I would feel great sometimes, and low other times. But during lunch [haha] we were on a manhunt! But.. sadly.. We didn't find our target JM or JL.. But we did see a few people along the way.. Heehee.. But yeah.. Lunch was fun.. Today seemed like a longer day though.. But ah well.. It's probably cause I wish it would end.. It's like that saying: When you need it, it goes way to fast - When you hate it, it always seems to last.

I've been thinking a lot today.. About serious subjects and I guess I'm just not cut our for this life.. I wish things could be all different - like I could just sit back and make my life the way I wanted it to be.. But then that would be cheating - I have to deal with the life I got.. I'm glad I'm alive but it just sucks the way everything's going.. I mean I have fantastic friends [couldn't get any better there] but my relationships [dating-wise] is so fucked up.. That's what I've been thinking about and that's why I wish things could be all different.

Maybe these feelings are supposed to teach me something.. Make me learn a value - but so far it fucking sucks.. No one can relate to my situation. It really sucks cause I'm getting so withdrawn from the things I once loved.. I just need someone here for me.. Not friend-wise, but a lover for me to be with.

Sometimes I wish that I could just be in someone else's shoes.. Just jump into someone's body and just see how they deal with their daily problems and what they think about. I'm getting tired of dealing with these feelings day-after-day-after-day.. I just want to get away from them all.. Sometimes I hate who I've come to be.. But then again - I'm glad that I am who I am [.. if you're a close friend, you'd know what I'm refuring to] cause I feel now that I've given light into something that many people don't know about - well at least the friends that I've told. And one things for sure - I'm proud of who I am today.. I've been through a lot and I may still be struggling [and I probably will continually] but I've made it past tons of hurdels.. The only thing I wish I could change is the world's perspective on things [and by things I mean what my friends know] so I could make my life that much easier to be who I am.

Each and every day I feel that I'm falling deeper and deeper into a love that has no base.. There isn't any foundation - as of now - but god.. They're beautiful and smart - and ah, they give me the butterflies when I see them.. *sighs*

I'm gonna leave my entree with part of the song, "Too Late" by No Doubt.. Now this verse means so much to me.. It's a beautiful song - you should download it if you ever have the chance.. Here it is:

"Compulsion has stained me,

I'm nervously cradling our young love, without known limits love.

Like a butterfly cupped in my hands I peek in to see beauty trapped.

Confined it flutters ,

It leaves behind colorful dust,

To remind me of the special times we've spent,

But of course it has to leave my clutch,

But enough's never enough to make a dent ..."

=->

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xxx