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Friday Late Night - Worring About Jake...
2003-03-14 //_ 11:21 p.m.

If you haven't read my last entree from earlier.. You should read it.. It was a poem that I just started typing on the spot.. Anyways..

Right now I'm feeling so fucking bad.. I was talking to Jake online and the whole conversation was like a fucking interview.. Cause I was the only one asking questions but Jake would answer.. So I was ok with that.. But then towards the end of the conversation he changed his screen name to, "THE DREAMS IN WHICH IM DYING ARE THE BEST I'VE EVER HAD" and I looked at it and was like "whats up with your screen name" and he said "nothing.. just the normal teenage depression, dreaming about death" and when he typed that to me .. I just.. ugh.. I can't explain it.. He said it was cause of his parents expecting too much from him and how they point out all his flaws and make everyone know it.. I wanted to badly to tell him how I know exactly how he feels and immediatly I had a feeling that I needed to hug him and tell him that everything would be alright.. But I didn't.. Right after that he told me that he had to go and I told him, "ok, well i'll talk to you later.. try to feel better dude.. bye" and he said bye and logged off..

After he logged off I started thinking.. and I can't help it but I'm feeling horrible now that Jake's all depressed.. Tomorrow if I see him online I'm gonna try and talk to him.. Maybe I can try to make him feel better. But then again, he said he was going on a 10 mile hike on the coast tomorrow so he might not be online till later tomorrow..

He's just got his whole life ahead of him.. He's in marching band, band itself, plays volleyball, rock climbs, has a girlfriend, lots of friends and juggles and unicycles.. HOW FUCKING PERFECT IS THAT? He seems to do everything and I wish I could be able to do just HALF of those things.. And I bet there's more that he's not telling me.. But I would be SO fucking distraught if something were to happen to him.. especially if he were to commit suicide.. Now I know that not alot of depressed teenagers actually kill themselves, but what if Jake did? What if he did it tonight? Right after I had talked to him? I just.. I wouldn't be able to handle that.. And I know I'm just stating things that are probably blown out of proportion..

I want him to know that I'm here for him.. Wait.. Ok fuck it, I'm going to let him KNOW that I'm here for him.. Tomorrow if I see him online I'm gonna try to be the best friend a person could be. I think everyone knows that I care a lot for him, but I don't think they really realize how much he affects me sometimes. I mean - I'm a friend-oriented person.. Whenever a friend or someone I care about is feeling down, I feel down too.. I tend to fluctuate through emotions that my friends or people I like are feeling.. And Jake is making me worried and kinda torn about him. It seems like everytime Jake and I are begining to really talk - he has to go.. Maybe his parents are making him get off.. Who really knows?

One may ask why I feel so much for someone that I'm just begining to know.. Well, for me to answer that honestly.. I'd have to say "I don't know.. But I know for a fact that I do." And I tend to go with what I'm feeling - my heart instinct. And what my heart is telling me is to get to know Jake.. To comfort him and to let him know that I'm not some other person that is just there for nothing.. I want to be much deeper than that.. I mean, I could go into what I wish could happen and what can actually happen in reality but that will just waste yours and my time so let me just cut it short and say...

I love Jake Mc Kibbons.

I may not have a reason, but something is meant to happen - whether or not it's just talking to him. I could care less what people have to say about whom I love and like.. But it would help if someone actually knew what I was talking about.

Again.. Refure to my previous entree for the poem I wrote.. It's gonna remain my quote of the entree for a while...

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xxx