Ok.. I just had the best conversations I've ever had with Angela online. We talked about so many things for like 2 or 3 hours.. It was extremly liberating.. I just saved that conversation cause I know I'll never forget it. Ya know whats weird? I never thought I'd say this but I believe that Angela and I may possibly be soul mates.. Now when you think 'Soul Mates' you think romantically tied.. And soul mates don't necisarily have to be romantically tied.. They could be best of friends and with Angela.. I totally, 100% feel on-top-of-the-world with her.. I hope that tomorrow we can talk more and discuss other subjects. It was a great feeling the whole time I was talking to her. I really want her to know how much that conversation meant to me.. I'm pretty sure I got it across to her.. But it was great. I'm sure that she got some positive things out of it too..

And while all this was happening I was on Amazon and I started looking at a list of different bands and I found TONS of new bands that I'm now in-love with! Bands like: Baxter, Goldfrapp, Cardigans, Esthero, Soulstice, DJ Tiesto, Airlock and Hooverphonic. They're fantastic bands.. It's great.. I have like 200 songs now! Heh..

Ok, I just talked to Angela's sister and I told her how I felt about Angela (about the whole soul mate thingy) and I guess Angela's sister told Angela and Angela typed a few to me and said she (oddly) feels the same way. I feel so great right now.. I can't believe I have friends like I have now. I was like crying when Angela left.. But tears of joy ya know? It was .. really emotionally gratifying to talk to her. I love her so much - and I'm sure she knows that by now. Heh.. I'm just feeling really good right now.

One of the things we discussed was if I would ever find a boyfriend in High School. And honestly, we both think there's a possibility that I could and there's a possibility that I won't. Sadly, the odds are against me, but we did talk about if Jake was Bi and told me.. Wouldn't that be fucking awesome? And we both agree that if I ask him his thoughts on Bi's and Gay's that if Jake responds with something unacceptable that he's a jerk but if he's cool with it, then he would be the ideal boyfriend for me. Usually guy's who are acceptable of bi's and gay's don't mind the thought of being with a guy.. So if he were to be acceptable of it all then there's a possiblity that he could be Bi.. There's a lot of stuff that could happen with that outcome.. Oh! Lemme tell you what happened when I talked to him!!

Ok, well I was online and when I was on the phone with Angela, I came online and guess who I saw online? Jake! And so I was like "hm.. what should I say?" and I IMed him and was just started small talk.. Like did he go on his hike? [and yes he did, he went to Freemont to San Jose on his hike] and then I asked the big question.. "are you still depressed?" and he was like "I'm always depressed" and I asked him what about, besides his parents and he said it was about his parents mainly. And then I just went for it.. I was like "Well, I want you to know that if you ever want someone to talk to, I'm here" and he replied with "okay. thanks" and I added in, "even though I may not know you well and you may not know me well" and he said to me, "im nothing special.. just going through the normal teenage depression.. everyone has it" and I told him that I know how he's feeling. I even got a little sneaky and said "I just don't like seeing friends depressed" which made the fact clear that I consider him a friend. Hehe. Sneaky aren't I? But what kinda made me a little distraught was that I asked him if he was suicidal and he told me, "only in the mornings" cause he feels better when with his friends I guess. I mean.. It's like, it's cute but it's kinda upsetting to know that. You would never really think that a person like him would be depressed.. He seems so happy and content at school.. But then again I don't know how he acts at home and stuff. After that he said, "I gotta go, sorry" and I said, "it's ok, talk to ya later." See what I'm saying? Things always tend to get big toward the end and then he leaves.. I don't know why.. But I'm not really concerned about that as much anymore. But now I know I'm gonna talk to him at school. There's absolutely NO reason why I shouldn't. And I'm sure he wouldn't mind talking to me.. I mean I'm not that fucking stupid or boring.. Am I?

Lemme just branch off of that and start talking about some of my self-doubts.. Afterall.. This diary IS for me..

I think that one of my major flaws is the fact that I care too much.. It tends to leave me heartbroken or just depressed. But then again.. The word depression means feeling abnormally upset.. but who are we to say that being depressed is abnormal? Who is to say that being depressed isn't the normal thing? I don't know. But I tend to have to pay for my flaw of caring time and time again. But then again that very flaw can be sought out upon as my gift. I seem to always be there for my friends (or at least most of the time).. But what I don't get is why people are so drawn to me.. Everyday when I arrive at school - It's like a fuckng mob following me around.. Now I can deal with this most of the time.. But sometimes I just like to be alone.. Or at least with the friends that really matter.. There's too many excess in my life and I need to cut the saturation and excrite all the add-on's. Maybe that's another problem of mine.. I'm too friendly to strangers.. I make too many friends without realizing who they really are.

It's really hard to say who's the most loved out our group of 4 (Angela, Loretta, Kami and I) and let me say that we all give out our own special little thing to help everyone else.. But the only thing is that Kami and Loretta seem to have some issues.. and things won't be solved until someone tells the other one how they really feel. But I shouldn't be worrying about this.. It's their issue - not mine.. I got enough of my own to last a life-time..

I just keep thinking about Angela and that conversation we had.. It was great.. Very memorable. I can tell I'll be remembering this for a long time (if not forever).

Damn it! I have finals next week and I haven't even studied.. I've been too preocupied with my other shit.. I should be reading my GSR booklet.. Since I do have to take the strip test next week for one of my Finals..

Oh yeah! I forgot to tell you when Angela picked me up that we hit a "cat." HAHAHHA... No, actually the "cat" turned out to be one of those huge ass brick pillars stratigically placed around our house to make everyone hit them like bowling balls! HAHAH.. It was so weird.. No damage was done, but the pillar thingy was moved back like a foot.. Hahhaa.. It was great.. When we hit it, Angela's sister was like, "Oh, I thought we hit a cat." HAHHAHA... LMFAO.. I don't think cat's are that fucking strong and can do that damange.. That van like owned that brick pillar! Hahahhaha.. It was great.. *is still laughing* ...

I guess I should be going.. Here's a quote that I found and it really means a lot to me.. I think you'll know why.

"You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back."

--Barbara DeAngelis

Nite everyone.. Or should I say Good Morning?...

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