Okay, I�m updating from my room� yes that�s right, I moved my computer back into my room but now I don�t have the internet.. I have music though.. But yeah I guess that�s it.

I was just going through the conversations I had with Jake, Jon and Angela and I began to cry.. I�m thinking about moving my computer back into that room cause then at least I wouldn�t feel so alone right now.. I don�t have anyone to talk to and yeah I know I could just call Angela or something but I don�t know.. I think now I�m thinking that now since I don�t have the net I�ll be missing a chance to talk to Jon or Jake again. I know Jakes over at Disney land � but what if Jon comes online? THEN WHAT?! I was actually crying the hardest when I was reading the Jon conversation. I really REALLY love him and that conversation was the closest thing I�ve ever been to him. It made me feel so alone when I read it now.

�For what it�s worth, I love you. For what it�s worth � I really do�

That phrase sticks with me. I just keep thinking about how far I�ve come in my life and to see all that I�ve achieved. I think that I�ve done everything I�ve ever really wanted to do. I have the greatest best friend in the world � I feel that I�ve grown more and more accepting of different things (like bands, different people, different opinions) but the ONE thing I haven�t accomplished was to have a boyfriend. I think that�s why I got so emotional when I was reading Jon�s conversation.. I was so excited when he first logged on.. But now I�m apart from the internet.. and I�m away from any CHANCE of seeing him online again. Ya know, I AM gonna move the computer back in there.. The only reason I wanted it in my room was to listen to my music and feel more attached to my music in my own surroundings.. But I guess it wont work when I�m constantly feeling depressed and alone in my own room. AH! I�m torn between keeping the computer in my room or moving it.. I wanna move it so I can have some kind of contact with others.. but I wanna keep it in my room so I can just listen to my music whenever I want.. GOD DAMN IT! I wish I had the internet in my fucking room. God why does my rents have to be so fucking idiotic.. I think I�m gonna try and bear it for the rest of the night and keep the computer in my room. I think I�m gonna spend the next hour or so typing in here.. Cause I feel like it.. **sigh**

I was listening to �this time last year� by Mandalay and it made me feel sad. It goes like this: �this time last year, you were here� .. and it makes me remember Jon. Sometimes I wonder that if I was someone else if I would�ve become friends with him. Maybe if I was one of his friends � how would I re-act. What if I was someone HE liked? What if.. what if.. All these little questions pop up but I have no answer to any of them. I talked to Patrick today and he told me that he was having Jon over for Spring Break. I was gonna go off on a little topic about Jon but we were interrupted by this one chick who was fucking flirting with everyone so I couldn�t ask him more about it. It kinda makes me feel great to know that Jon�s coming back! Even though I won�t be able to see him or anyting � I wish I could. Maybe I�ll talk to Patrick and ask him what they�re doing and maybe if they go to the movies.. maybe I can go and meet them there or something. I would LOVE to see Jon again.. The last image I ever saw of him was when he was in the front of the class looking at something the teacher was doing, and the bell rang and I went up behind him and touched him. Nothing special but that little touch.. just � melted me. I was just so high on love at that time.. But then I had to go on the bus but before I did Roxanne gave me her sweater for comfort and she lingered around with me cause that day was literally the WORST day of my life. Jon � the one I gave my heart to � moved away that weekend and took my heart and soul with him. I don�t think that I�ve felt as much love and care for someone since Jon left. Jon was something special.. I don�t even really know why. But the instances in which I over-heard him talking to friends or walking by he always seemed to be really happy and, well.. play full. He was like a teddy bear.. I just wanted to hug him all the time. I also remember when I was in P.E. with him and we were doing tumbling and he tried to do a handstand and fell over on his ass.. it was so adorable. I was giggling from across the room cause I wasn�t in his group but OH it was just so cute. I can also recall when we were testing for the mile thingy at the end of the year and after the guys ran and got their times, the guys all sat on the bleachers to watch the girls run and I sat in the front and guess who decides to sit next to me? JON! My heart literally flew out of my chest when he did. I was like SO fucking close to his body and my hand was like 1 inch away from his hand. I was thinking the whole time **I want to grab his hand and just hold his hand and watch everyone run by** It was a great experience. I even got to �check� him out a bit more.. Cause I think everyone knows my little fetish of looking at guys� legs. Haha. Well now you do � cause I think that guys� legs are like the sexiest feature on their body **besides their ass and the opposite of that side ;)** and OMG Jon is so hot! He�s practically perfect! He has GREAT legs and when we would change after P.E. (LUCKILY I had a locker that was only 6 � 8 lockers away from Jon�s) I got to see him change and AH! His chest is great too! Haha, I would get into the stuff that I wanted to do in the P.E. changing room � but it�s inappropriate. **Yes, I�m already into the whole sex thing so don�t think I�m that innocent..** Anyways.. He has a great body and I just can�t imagine how he looks now.. What I would love to see is him when he�s 18.. OMG he�s gonna be such a fucking stud. He�s gonna break a lot of hearts � and he can add mine to his record. What I hope is that in this school�s yearbook that they�ll have him listed in there and have a picture of him. **GASP** When I get my yearbook I wanna get Jake to sign mine! OMG! I�m so gonna do that! **Now has something to look forward too besides death** Yay. **Sigh** At least I can get Jakes signature.. Maybe I can try to get Jeff�s too.. I don�t know what the hell I�d say.. I don�t think I�ll be able to get his L I can�t wait till yearbook day comes now! Hopefully the day that they take the pics for the yearbook hasn�t come.. Wait.. No! I hope it did come! So they�ll have Jon�s picture in there already! But I know that the picture they�ll use for me is gonna be horrible. Ah well, I can bear it if they have Jon in the yearbook.

I miss Jon a lot now. I mean, I don�t know him and he doesn�t know me.. but I just do and I know that�s the dumbest excuse.. But yeah.. A lot of my friends have a hard time understanding how I could love/care for someone so much and yet not know them personally. But no one can really explain why people fall in love� and I can�t explain why I�m in love with Jon (Yes, I�m in love with Jon, Jake and Jeff� I can�t help it) But it really kinda sucks cause right now I�m only really in contact with Jake.. And not that he�s bad or anything cause he�s perfect too and sometimes I wonder if he�s better than Jon.. And I wouldn�t be surprised if he was.. But Jon was my first ever-true love for a guy. I�ll never forget him, even if I don�t get to know him later on. And Jeff.. well.. Jeff **pauses a moment to think about Jeff** ..He�s truly something else. He�s like the average �guy-from-around-the-block� type of guy. He has this hella cute little carefree look about him. I�m sure that if I got to know him I wouldn�t find anything too outrageous like how Jake can juggle and unicycle.. But I�m sure I�d find out a lot of great personal features about him� I bet he�s really caring and independent. You know, out of all the guys I like (Jake, Jon and Jeff) I believe that I would have the BEST shot of being a really close friend with Jeff. I think it�s cause Jeff doesn�t really seem to have many friends and I�m sure he has a few but I never really catch him really socializing with people. Even in Biology he would be independent and do his projects on his own.. Maybe cause the others didn�t want to incorporate him or he didn�t want to cooperate with them � either way I don�t know. But he seems like he would be such a great friend to have. He�s really cute � I can say that honestly. But I don�t have ONE fucking clue as to who he really is. I don�t know if he listens to music, plays video games, watches movies, plays on the computer or what.. He�s like a mystery to me. I just wish I wasn�t moving so I would have a chance to have another class with him. There are so many things that COULD happen if I wasn�t moving. But I guess I am this summer and this completely BLOWS cause now I only have a limited time with Jake. I don�t think I�ll ever be able to talk to Jeff in time of this summer and try to get his phone number or email. It would be so much easier if he were in a class of mine so I could just ask him his email so I could talk to him about schoolwork or something but I don�t have any classes with him. I did in Biology but that�s when I first noticed him. And Jon was also in that class � and at the time Jon was my number one priority. But I guess that Jeff and I still have a SLIGHT possibility to talk to each other. Maybe I�ll see him during one lunch on Friday. But I think that Angela might be planning to do a lunch thingy that day. I hope that if I do see him I�ll get up the guts and walk up to him and say �hey�� I wouldn�t count on it though.

But what�s kind of strange is out of the three � I�m beginning to talk to Jake so much more than any other guy. I consider Jake a friend but I know that if someone asked him what he thought of me he�d say something like �I don�t care about him� or �he�s not a friend� .. And I can see why cause I barely talk to him in Spanish.. But when he gets back from Disneyland I swear I�m going to talk to him. I think that Jake and I can become good friends if I just start talking to him more in person. I mean I can�t always rely on the Internet to guard me from personal encounters my whole life. I think my problem is that I have to think of him as a friend � not a potential boyfriend. That�s what gets me so jittery. Cause I think �oh what if he�� and it WONT turn out to be that way. So I got to take this time and make the best of it.

About Jon though� The only way of communication with him now is the internet.. and I�ve only seen him online twice and talked to him once for a very short time. We barely even really talked. Hopefully I�ll catch him online and we�ll be able to actually talk and exchange facts about each other.. like getting to know one another.

Wow, I just re-read all that I�m such a fucking mess.. I�m getting all worked up over these guys who are just like anyone else.. But you know when you love someone you tend to picture it in your mind as if their the biggest person on the face of the earth � and to me I guess they are cause they�ve given me the joy of love. I love love. I love loving people and I love having crushes on guys. The only thing I DON�T love is that fact that love always has a downfall.. and it just turns out that I always get that downfall cause I�m bi (possibly gay) and every guy that I like is probably straight. And that�s the reason I stay up late at night crying and just fucking praying to anyone or anything that would grant me the wish that one of them would talk to me. Maybe one of them would just tell me something about them.

There�s one thing that kind of made me pissed off.. when I was at Loretta�s house � we were doing Tarot card readings and when we got the spiritual stuff, Loretta commented on my spirituality (which I�m agnostic) and she said �Well, you�re not very spiritual � I mean, you�re Agnostic.. These cards don�t follow agnostic people.� Now the meaning of Spiritual is feeling that there is a sense of a higher being.. Something behind what we see with our eyes � and I DO BELIEVE THAT. The only thing that I don�t believe is any sort of Religion. All Religion does is try to give people a false security that there�s something waiting for them after they die. Hasn�t anyone ever thought it would be funny if when you died � NOTHING happened? That when you died you just imply vanished and didn�t even realize it? What if Jesus was a crazy man? What if �GOD� is nothing more than you or me? Am I the sicko or the only one that perceives these thoughts? But regardless of these accusations I still believe that there is something out there; something way beyond our mental thought process and beyond anything that our existence can ever comprehend. And just cause I�m agnostic does not mean that I don�t believe in spiritual things. It�s not like when I say that I�m Agnostic that I�m dead when it comes to spirituality. I�m actually extremely spiritual � Just there�s no way to express it simply cause there is NO religion that I look up to. The only things that can somewhat be sought after as a religion that I actually see �moral� is Wiccan and Satanism [only the morality part, not the worshipping Satan part]. I won�t get into detail about those two �religions� simply cause I myself don�t know much about them � but I do agree with the morality of Satanism. If you go to www.satanism101.com and look up the �rules� or whatever to being Satanic you would see that they�re actually pretty acceptable. And Wiccan is actually about spells and somewhat of the saying, �what ever you do will come back to you three fold.� But back to what I was talking about, That little remark by Loretta was a little off center and ignorant by the way I took it. But I�ll let it slide � cause now whomever read my journal knows more about me.

One other thing that happened today was in Spanish when someone was like �wow, that�s pretty gay� and my teacher said �I don�t think that�s the right language to use�� and he was like almost getting offended.. And you know I don�t get when people say, �God, ____ is so gay� as if being gay is a bad thing? I never knew that a simple saying could be turned and twisted and be said so much without anyone really detecting it. I myself even say that phrase from time to time but I know what it really means and I�m preventing myself from saying that now. It�s not right to be labeling something/someone as �gay� as if it�s a banishment label. I personally don�t get too offended by these types of things but what gets to me is that we say things and yet we don�t realize what we are ACTUALLY saying. Like �you stupid piece of shit.� .. I didn�t know that person was a �piece of shit� and that �shits� could even think. Its kind of common sense but the phrase has been given a new meaning by MORONS who don�t know how to use the dictionary� but enough of that already�

I�m sitting her at 9:28PM listening to �Thots� by OTEP� haven�t listened to them in a long time. Great band.. Eye can�t wait till they come out with a new CD..

**sigh** I�m getting pretty tired.. I let out a lot of emotions.. And yet I still feel confined and contorted� Now I�m listening to �Menocide� by OTEP� I think I�m going to burn this CD for Angela� I think she MIGHT like them� But they�re pretty heavy compared to every other band I know. OTEP�s heavier than Disturbed, Korn, Marilyn Manson and Evanescence COMBINED. And that�s including the depth of the lyrics and the heaviness of the music. I think she�ll like some of the songs but probably won�t be able to adjust to all the songs at once. It took me a bit to adjust myself but then I read the lyrics and gave them all second listens and fell in love with the beauty of it. I�m glad I�m part of a fan base that�s so powerful.. OTEP�s going to be big one day� I�ll be able to say �I was there when they first started out.� Cause I am and that makes me feel pretty damn lucky/special. Hehe. Well I guess I�m gonna go and either try to print this out or update it on my diary thingy..

�no compassion � kill your masters! MENOCIDE! no compassion � kill your masters.�

And since I feel shoufu-ish I�ll add another one.

[This one is going to be the song �Jonestown Tea� by OTEP�]

�and eye remember him fucking me, and eye remember liking it eye didn�t know any better. And eye remember the smell and the pain and the shame. And eye remember being afraid and thinking everyday [every single day] that it was my fault. What happened to that little girl who used to dream of one day ruling the world and used to draw pretty pictures in my room beneath the moon � destroying to create. Softly praying to god � what do I do now? WHAT DO I DO NOW?! �as I secretly masturbate� then I�d hear his hoofs creeping on the floor.. with a bible in a his hand � softly opening my door and he�d say �DAUGHTER! THE DAY OF YOUR ATONEMENT IS DUE! Well, there�s 3 million sinners out there� and that includes YOU!�

no daddy don�t! no daddy don�t! LEAVE ME ALONE! NO EYE DON�T WANT TO BE FREE! SO TAKE YOUR DICK OUT OF ME! PLEASE TAKE YOUR DICK OUT OF ME!

Eye�m bleeding, its not fair, you see this little place eye like to go, eye like to run & hide � deep inside, where all the nightmares are real, and all the monsters come alive, oh, but the things that eye�ve seen in the soft, soft visions & terrifying prophecies, like serpents on the take & gods coming in all sizes and shapes and nothing seems fulfilling anymore well your temples are swollen in deceit and the body of your missionary � he�s rotting, rotting in defeat mama? MAMA! Are the aliens coming to take us away? [mama?] Is Armageddon gonna happen again today? LOOK WHAT HE DID TO ME!! WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME? HOW COULD YOU DO IT TO ME!! WHY DID YOU DO IT TO ME!

EYE WILL NOT CRY � EYE WILL NOT CRY

EYE PREFURE TO DIE!! Than live- this life � of LIES!

Lies..lies..lies�lies�lies�

KILL WHAT YOU CAN � CHALLENGE EVERYTHING� vengeance is mine.. hey� eye�m sorry.. baby�. Please come back inside� we can laugh a little� & live & die no. wait. See, eye got this hot pot of Jonestown tea & its been brewing for u & me oh, it only takes one sip come on baby � surrender your lips & eye can take u someplace nice eye can take u� someplace NICE. Breed my disease by my disease and vengeance will be mine. Its closer than you think� so eye entered his room at 32 past noon & with my little ritual knife�. Eye cut out his tongue & liberated his wife & she loved me for it other world womyn, - well, that�s what she called me [destroyer] the one who sets you free [come & drink with me] we all die like cartoons, surrender your children, kids like to kill� lies�. They�re all lies��

Hope you thought about that song.

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