Okay.. About yesterday [I'm getting to the point cause this is all total bullshit]

My friend Kami updated her diary last night explaining her side of the whole thing that went down yesterday at school. As much as I appreciate her opinion and perspective, it doesn't fit with everything else. She [as usual] took what I said the wrong fucking way. I was NOT being rude when I told her "If you wanna go into the gym, then go in there." and when I said [in responce to "why are we out here?"] "Cause I said so, I'm just saying it how it is" I wasn't being snobby. Katya did the SAME thing before when she was bitching to me about how she wanted to sit in the shade instead of the sun. Now, if my friend has a problem with what I'M doing, I look at the situation and what they're asking and if its big enough - maybe I would conform so I could make them that much happier, but in this case - I wanted to sit outside and if anyone wanted to leave - then they could've left. I WAS NOT HOLDING A FUCKING GUN TO ANYONE SAYING "WE'RE SITTING HERE". I was simply stating that where I was going and what I was doing is where I was going and what I was going to do. If she wanted so badly to go into the gym, then she should've just left. But instead of trying to reason and be like, "Hey Jeff, it's really cold out here, can we please go inside?", Kami was like "You are being fucking bitches!" and storming off.. Now I know that maybe she was frustrated, but I wouldn't even have done that if I were in that situation. I would've just said, "Hey, everyone, I'm going into the gym - I'm cold" and would've left. Cause frankly, I don't need permission by my friends in order for me to do something. But back to the main thing..

I think Kami has an issue with realizing how people are coming off to her. She seems to take things differently than what is meant. If she has confusion as to what we said - then she should've just asked, instead of jumping to conclusions and making an ASS out of U and ME. But when I said "I don't care what happend.. [etc..]" in my other journal - what I was explaining is how I wasn't going to let Kami's missinterpreted thoughts bother me. She's done this before in the past and I'm just now getting used to it. I still and will always love Kami. She's been my friend through a lot of stuff [which was usually caused by her or relating to her in MOST of the shit] but I'm willing to just stop it all and fucking start over.

Angela and I talked on the bus numerous times about the poor actions of Kami and we've come to the conclusion that we're getting tired of all the shit thats been erupted cause of Kami. And Angela told me that she talked to Kami last night and how she was saying that all I want is attention and when I don't get it - I start hating on everyone. All of that is bullshit. First off: Why couldn't she just told me that online or to my face? I really REALLY hate it when I have to find out through the grape vine. Secondly: That's false. Has she ever taken a look at whats actually going on? She's the one getting all the attention and she just keeps doing things thats causing her to have conflictions with Angela, Loretta and I. I know that she feels a lot for me - but she obviously doesn't when she's making up stories about me [regardless if she's being ignorant or not] that are negative. She even told me that all I seem to talk/think about is... [she stopped there cause she was "sparing my feelings" so I don't know what she was going to say] but I believe that what she was going to say is that I seem to talk about my relationship issues. Now Kami better not IM me saying that I'm wrong cause she never told me what she was going to say - so she's left me no option but to assume. But there's another thing that she has an issue with. Not understanding what people are telling her or talking to her about. I was trying to explain to her before how there's a line between being truthful and sparing someones feelings and she doesn't get that line. She thinks that when I said "sparing others feelings" that she shouldn't be tellings others what she thinks - ITS FUCKING COMMON SENSE! There's a time and place for everything. I can't explain that any better.. But it should be instinct to everyone to know when you can tell someone how you feel at the right time.

Now, It may seem like I'm bashing the shit out of Kami - but I'm not. I'm explaining my side and what should be rendered as info to help her by.

And I don't see how I betrayed Kami.. I did not betray her. Does she know the meaning?? But I guess today in society, EVERYTHING can be miss-interpreted and can become twisted and windled into something that it's not.

All in all - I think Kami was over-exaggerating the whole thing cause given the circumstances that made her day so incredably "horrible" she was probably more suseptable into being more emotional. Even though the whole thing was nothing - and I hope she knows that if she were to do that again - I would say the same thing - and it wouldn't change if Angela or Loretta were to ask me. I like to do what I like to do and if it's alright with everyone else.. I'M GONNA DO IT.

A few things before I go.. The NUMBER ONE thing that fucking PISSES me off about Kami is how she REPEATEDLY says "oh, my friends don't care about me" and "they don't care about me, they never have" when she's being an idiot. WE DO CARE ABOUT KAMI! We've said this fucking MILLIONS of times.. And she fucking ignores it.. She doesn't fucking realize how much we DO care about her but yet again - she's taking things different ways and I, personally, think she's jealous cause she doens't have a really close friend anymore. I can't help it if I'm best friends with Angela, Kami. I care about you Kami - I really fucking do. But you NEVER have gotten that. I don't believe you've EVER said in your diary or to anyone "wow, my friends really care about me" cause Kami, if we didn't care - we wouldn't be trying to [taking this passage from one of my past entree's] mend what you've already reaped. You're digging yourself into this fucking hole by secluding yourself. And if thats what you want - thats great - more power to ya. But we care about you Kami - its the issues that you cause that I don't care about. I have lost my will to try and solve shit now. Cause you can do what you want - I don't think you realize what you do when you do things. Maybe you do - I don't know. I'm not you. And I didn't just "go on with my day" .. Angela and I talked about this yesterday night and today. We're still fucking talking about it? I mean, HELLO?! I'm fucking making a huge ass entree about it. Sometimes I wonder if this is actually what you want to happen. Things could be so much more easier.

Today after lunch, my friend Roxy came up to Angela and I and I told her that I was having conflictions with Kami still, and you know what she said? She said: "You know, you two [refuring to Angela and I] seem the most compadable out of all of your friends. All your other friends seem to have issues and stuff and I've never seen or heard about an issue between you two." .. And overall that made me feel great. I'm great that I have such a tight bond with Angela and I seriously can't explain how. But I COULD have that with anyone. I COULD have that with Kami, but then again - Kami and I [obviously] still have conflictions. And one other thing that Kami doesn't realize is how Angela is affected by all this too. She continually thinks that Angela is cool with everything. I don't think Kami's realized how many times that Kami's talked to Angela and have made her pissed off. In-fact, I think that Angela is the most pissed off about this whole thing with you, Kami. The only thing she does is not tell you to your face. And now I guess you realize the thought of "sparing someones feelings" cause she does that on a DAILY basis with you, Kami. I, on the other hand, don't do that as much and when I'm pissed off or upset - I speak my mind and others can either take it how I mean it or just fucking ignore it. I don't care. But Angela is really pissed off at how Kami's life is so "horrible".. but when Kami would be compared to Angela's life - Kami has it like fucking Disneyland.

Anyways.. I got what I wanted off my chest. I've laid out the issues face up and now I guess it's up to Kami to read this and fully understand it [FULLY] without taking it as if I'm yelling at her or being a fucking prick. In a way I am - but I'm just trying to find out if my time being spent on such a small problem such as this is even worth all the turmoil.

"I wonder what it's like

Walking by your side

To think before I talk

And to move at the same speed as you walk

I want to have a weight

To keep me in your state

I'm watching from above

I love but it's not for me"

-- The Cardigans, "Hanging Around"

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