[.:remember the future:.]
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The Sunlight Seems To Shine Through The Clouds
2003-04-04 //_ 3:18 p.m.

The essence of this.. X-Tasee [haha ;D] has awoke senses in me that I haven't felt in ages. Happiness. Completeness.

..love..

I truely feel fantastic. Like a dove fluttering through the clouds above any wind gushes and above any other storm and just soaring through the sunlight.

It's amazing how just a conversation with the person you love can change your emotions so quickly.

I feel so incredably great. Words, literally, cannot explain how great I feel. I guess this is what being in love is all about. The very kind of love that left me panting in my room after a loss of words.. [refuring to Jon] But it feels so great with Jake. I can't stop this feeling emerging out of me. I feel like I've known Jake this whole school year. I feel as if I could just walk up to him and just start talking.

..but yet I still don't..

Why is that you may ask?

Shyness.

Simple and pure. I'm just a bit afraid of overdoing the friendship and alienating him. But I can't stand it anymore! I need to be with him more. So, in a way, I'm taking his advice when I asked him about what I should tell my "friend" that's bisexual and likes this guy at school. Jake told me that he should try to be around him as much as he can without it becoming blatent. And so I'm taking his advice and using it against him. Haha. He's just so .. funny and .. cute and .. just .. he's so fun to be around.

When I'm around Jake I tend to just go numb and just feel like I'm floating in air. That's what he does to me. Whever he talks to me I can litterally feel my heart jump up and down with glee as he explains things and just discusses things with me. And OH! You know what? He said my name for the first time today!! HE KNOWS MY NAME! Oh, if that doesn't make me happy - I DON'T KNOW WHAT DOES!! I'm just so fucking HIGH ON LOVE now!! He knows my name!! He knows me!! He talks to me!! *sigh* I just can't believe that this is happening to me!!

The sunshine keeps on shinging around me.. and I can't help but feel fantastic that all this is happening. It's all like a dream. I never thought I would become friends with a guy that I felt so much for. Jake is just so .. different. He's got it all. But most of all he makes me feel like myself. When I'm around him - I don't feel like I have to 'show off' or anything. I just feel so much for him and I hope that one day I'll be able to tell him. I could tell him now but I want to make sure that he'll take it the right way - cause in the past I've come to know people who twist and swirl what I say into these miss-conceptions of ill-mannered ideals. So I'm taking no chances with Jake. I can't bear to loose him now. He just .. is everything that I look for in a guy. He's *contemplates the meaning of love* .. I don't know.. I just know that this can't be true!!

And to think that today I thought was going to be shitty. I wasn't feeling well in my first 3 classes, but during lunch I felt a bit better [cause I helped out a few friends by buying/sharing lunch with them ;D] but the only thing that set me off was Katya's thoughts on that Ryan Smith guy at our school.. She doesn't have a modern mind and maybe thats a rarity in today's life but she's ignorant about those subjects and once we started explaining to her what he's done in the past - she was quick to retract her statements.. Kinda shows not to assume shit.

But everything just went uphill from Spanish. I always seem to feel myself the best in Spanish. Everyone in my Spanish class are just so great. I talked to Jake a lot today [same for the past 2 days] and *sigh of love* it was just so fun. I get this feeling everytime I see him - but talking to him just makes me feel better infinity more though!

So, as you can see, I'm feeling pretty great emotionally.. but lately my throats been KILLING me. My fucking tonsels are like swollen and its making my throat constrict thus causing me not able to swallow as well as I could normally. I'm afraid that I'll probably have to go in for surgery to get my tonsels taken out soon. All I can do now is just fucking HOPE that it goes away.. Cause it's making things so hard for me. But when I'm feeling great [like around Jake or my friends or whatnot] I just grit my teeth and bare it. I hope it gets better SOON.

"And it hits me like never before,

That love is a powerful force

Yes it struck me that love is a sport

So I pushed you a little bit more

Love, you're newest to me,

You're a little bit more that I thought you'd be,

A mole in my well-fed lawn

You're a nightmare beating the dawn

And it hits me like never before,

That love is a powerful force

Yes it struck me that love is a sport

So I pushed you a little bit more"

=->

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xxx