Nothing really happened today. Testing went on.. I felt pretty bored so I actually attempted it this time. Doesn't matter though - my answers are always wrong.

Today, lunch was pretty annoying. Everyone is seriously getting on my nerves. Kourtney is always there - she never fucking leaves.. Taylor was with us at lunch and whatever he says just kinda aggitates me.. In Health - I was NOT up to dealing with Ryan's shit, so in the cases that he was talking out of turn and out of order - I didn't restrain myself from lashing out at him. There was NUMEROUS occasions in which I retaliated against him - ask Patrick, he was there. And Katya hasn't been around lately - thank god.. I wouldn't be able to stand her if she were here. Things are fine between me and Angela, Kami, Roxy and Jake. Those are like the only people that I am willing to put forth the effort and communicate with.

At lunch, I noticed that Kami and Miriam are getting along. I shouldn't care - since it's not my buisness. But I really have no opinion on either of them. I don't like them nor do I hate them.. well, them being friends in that matter.

I also saw that Jake was hanging around this other chick at lunch. Haha. So, when I saw him online [just about 20 minutes ago] I ask him about it and it turns out it was the girl he has a crush on right now. I mean, I'm happy that he's happy. I don't want anything other than him to be fullfilled - but I couldn't help but feel unwanted when I talked to him. But he did assure me that I had helped him a lot with the whole Ashley thing. When I was talking to him, I told him the truth - that I was jealous of how he has so many girls that love him and how he has so much support from TONS of friends.. And when I said that to him, he told me that I'm way much better than him in many ways. I couldn't believe he would say that. So, I told him that I couldn't even try to do half of the things he can and does do.. But then I guess he admitted that he sucks with girls.. and that I had helped him so much with the whole Ashley thing, and how he couldn't do that on his own. Then I told him how he was welcome but then I told him how I tend to get into others buisness and how I usually do it without them even wanting it, and he told me that he needed it. I felt a little loved right there. I mean, I really wanted to talk to him more about it but he had to go.

It kinda always seems that when I'm about to really open up to someone - something happens and my emotions seem to be overlapped by their blindness. I'll try to talk to Jake about it more. I mean, I'm really really glad that he likes someone else and that he's not depressed or anything but I guess all I ever really wanted was some time spent with him.. a period in which we would be able to make a connection.. but instead of trying .. i disconnect. I don't know how to make the connection with him, almost every conversation we have - its regarding him in some way. And I'm great with that, but I bet he doesn't know a lot about me. But I'll see how things go. I will never stop being his friend - all that come from this now is an even tighter bond. I just wish that sometime he would open his eyes and realize that I'm right here.. waiting to be discovered by him. But I don't wanna put forth the effort and drive him away - that's the LAST thing I want to do. EVER. So.. I don't really remember what I was talking about. All I know is that I care a lot for him and I don't want him to be hurt.

I guess I'll wait online as much as I can. Oh yeah! And I talked to Jake right before testing period! I was so excited!! Right after I had talked to him, I gave Angela and Kami a great big hug.. haha.. I hope I didn't hurt em.. But yeah! Jake and I talked about this guy that I thought Jake didn't know.. I was like.. "Do you know this guy, Jake?!" and Jake was like: "Yeah, that's Tyler Wingo" and I was like: "I asked you before and you said you didn't!! REMEMBER!!" and he was like: "You didn't say Tyler!!" and we got into an argument.. haha.. It was cute.. But yeah.. That was a great little moment right there.. See.. Things are kinda going good with Jake.. I just wish I could talk to him more.. Can't go wrong there.

"With a sampled heartbeat and a stolen soul

I sold my songs to have my fortune told

And it said

You should know that love will never die

But see how it kills you in the blink of an eye

I know love is a hot white light

It knocks you down and then leaves you dry

Oh how can it be sweet mama tell me why

Why all loves disciples have to wither and die

Please sister, help me come on do what you should

Please give me something I�m not doing so good

I�m gone, done wrong is there nothing you can say

Please sister help me I�m not feeling ok

Give me believe that my time will come

And a toll free helpline if I find someone

But she said

You gave away what you never really had

And now your purse is empty I can see why you�re sad

Please sister, help me come on do what you should

Please give me something I�m not doing so good

I�m gone, done wrong is there nothing you can say

Please sister help me

Can you make me feel ok

So if it�s true, that love will never die

Then why do the lovers work so hard

To stay alive

Please sister, help me

Please give me something oh

Please sister, you know I do what I can

Oh sweet mama, please descent me a man

Cause I�m gone, gone

Is there nothing you can get

Please sister help me I just need some love

To live

Just a little love to live"

--The Cardigans, "Please Sister"

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