Today I was feeling pretty mad at myself. Again - I avoided talking to Jake during passing time.. He was right there.. But no.. I just "couldn't."

The whole day was pretty shitty.. Except at lunch. I don't know if my friends noticed.. but I was crying during lunch. I was upset at myself and everyone around me. Everyone was like (well at least Kourtney was) "Jeff, what's wrong" in that annoying voice she always uses, and then Jeff butts in and is like "Yeah, why is Jeff so depressed??" and I could tell that Angela was looking out for me, but it LITERALLY felt as if everyone was kicking me.. I swear - like 3 people walked by and kicked me in the back. I didn't mind but it did piss me off. It left me feeling lower than normal and towards the end of lunch - Crystal started talking to me and I told her about the whole thing.. Cause I was just so pissed off and angry with myself for not taking any action with Jake.. Then she was like "Well, Let's go ask him now!!" and I was like ".. I don't know.. what would I say?!" and she was like: "Let's just go!" and she grabbed me and we started walking over there.. I was like shaking so bad.. Thousands of thought were rushing through my head but ALL of it came to a hault when I said "Hey, Jake.." and we actaully talked briefly. I was like: "Hey Jake, did you bring your Sadies pictures??" and he grabbed his face and was like "Ugh!! No! I forgot!! I'm so sorry! I left them at home, I promise I'll bring em tomorrow!" and I was like "Okay, Just bring em for Spanish tomorrow" and then he was like "Okay.. Cya" and then I said Bye and left.. And aww.. I felt SO great right then! It was so easy for me to do that!! I felt so great afterwards.. He made eye contact and everything.. He's so sweet! I even saw him after Math and he was talking to someone and smiling alot.. Oh .. my .. god .. his smile is so fucking cute! UGH!! I need to bring my camera to school tomorrow and get a few pictures of Jake and everyone.. It would be so great. I think I just might do that.. Hm... *tee hee* And hopefully tonight I'll be able to STAY online and not have my maniac bi-polar rents cussing me out and kicking me off the computer and I'll be able to talk to Jake about tomorrow. Kinda remind him about the pictures and stuff. Tomorrow IS going to be a great day. I will NOT let any fuckers ruin it for me. Tomorrow is MY day to get what I want done. So, I'm gonna talk to Jake - put my fucking shy shit to the side for a few and talk to him as if he were a friend. Cause wait, in reality - WE ALREADY ARE! I might ask him that tonight to make sure, but I'm sure he would consider me a friend. But then when I look at him and everyone that he knows.. What makes me any different than anyone else to him? He talks to MILLIONS of people everday! He has like 169 friends and he talks to like all of them everyday. What makes me stand out and what makes him think that I should be differently.. I know I wouldn't.. But I want him to think of me different. I don't want to be like everyone else.. I want him to remember me - I want him to care for me too. I want him to be there for me too. I don't want him to think that this friendship is only cause we're together in Spanish.. I want it to last forever.. But I guess I'll find that out in due time.. All in due time..

Okay.. Moving onto another subject.

I believe that I'm gonna try and focus on becoming a director/producer/script writer for music videos as a career option. I believe that I have a great skill in concieving ideas and putting them together on film. I know it would be strenuous and probably a really big cut-throat buisness cause there is probably tons of people in that buisness already trying to be discovered, but I would love to design concepts for music videos and producing them. If that doesn't work out - like I can't find any info on it or it just would be useless to try at something that I wouldnt' be discovered for - then I would LOVE to be an intern at a Record Company. I'm still unsure about what they do but I want to be part of a record company when I'm older. Anything that has to do with Music is what I wanna do when I'm older. Music video producer, intern at a record company, or being in a band. They all sound like great options, and I'll probably explore all of them quite soon.

So all I really gotta say is that.. People suck. Especially when people don't know when to go away or shut up. Like Kourtney.. She never leaves everyone alone and it's fucking getting on my nerves. Today at lunch I had my headphones on and when I was begining to cry I swear I was about to get up and cuss Kourtney out and storm off.. I was on the edge right then.. I was so on the edge that I even got the nerve to want to talk to Jake. I would've gotten up, walked away.. then came back to talk to Jake. And I guess I did talk to Jake after all.. Thanks to Crystal ;D.

I guess I'm going to go. I'll update later after I get back from dinner and stuff hopefully.

---

"Eating snow flakes with plastic forks

And a paper plate of course, you think of everything

Short love with a long divorce

And a couple of kids of course

They don't mean anything

Live in trailers with no class

goddamn I hope I can pass high school means nothing

Taking heartache with hard work

Goddamn I am such a jerk, I can't do anything

And I shout that you're all fakes

And you should have seen the look on your face

And I guess that's what it takes

When comparing your bellyaches

And it's been a long time

Which agrees with this watch of mine

And I guess that I miss you, and I'm sorry

if I dissed you"

--Modest Mouse, "Trailer Trash"