Just been thinking about stuff lately. Nothings really going on but I feel as if the weight of the world is crush me from the inside.

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to be someone else? To live in their shoes and to go through an ordinary day through their eyes? I think about it all the time. And most of the time, it's Jake who I wish I could be.

He seems to do everything. I had talked to him online earlier and I found out that he does Boyscouts too. He's taking swim lessons so he can teach this summer and those just add on to this never ending list of things he's capable of. I just wish I could have that dedication and force to do something of that magnitude.. He has his life right in front of him.. And from the outside it seems perfect. But I will never say that it IS perfect - cause I know that when you have a lot of things going for you - it's worse than having nothing to do. I can't imagine what he does on a daily basis. That's why I wish I could be him. To have that life.. to have those friends.. to have those intuitions.. to have those looks..

But then again - I'm me. And I can't change who I am. But I can hate myself for who I am. And I do - all the time. I don't like the way I am. If I had a choice - I would be anyone other than who I am now. That's part of the reason why I dyed my hair - I hate my original red hair. Part of the reason why I turned to goth - I hated the image I was portraying to everyone. Part of the reason why I seem to compare myself to everyone else. I know I'm not the only one when I'm saying this - maybe I'm the only one admitting it. But everyone has doubts about themselves - it just depends on the severity.. and I believe I don't have a good perception of myself.

I mean, do people HONESTLY think that I enjoy being skinny? Do people HONESTLY believe that I'm completly comfortable with myself? What morons. How dare they say those things..

And when I look at Jake.. I see this ideal guy. He's strong, he has a great personality, he does tons of activities and he's very involved, he has tons of friends.. I could go on and on. I was talking to Angela about this last night [about how ugly we think we both are] and it's strange. I believe Angela to be beautiful but yet she thinks of herself as fat and ugly.. And she thinks of me as cute - like a BIT close to how Jake is [but not even close, ya know?] but yet I portray myself as disgusting. I mean - I look at myself and just flinch away. I can't see how so many people can be blind and think that I'm cute. I hate myself - therefor I guess I believe everyone that says I'm cute is a liar. And to me - I think they are.

My personality makes me feel ugly. I can't say anything more than that. I guess people have built up this little stepping stool for me to stand on and its made out of laughter and joyus occasions - when that is not even CLOSE to how I feel. Yes, I'm happy most of the time when I'm with my friends but sometimes people can't even tell when I'm pretending and when I'm honestly happy. To me - the ideal happiness is being with friends and having a lover to care for and to be cared from. I may have great friends.. but that doens't fullfill what makes me happy.

I was talking to Angela yesterday and Jake was online for about 3 hours and I didn't IM him once.. But then I was talking to Angela and I TOLD HER: "Okay, just watch, I'm gonna ask Jake for homework in Spanish and I bet he's gonna say he's gotta go in just a few minutes after I talk to him.. And remember how long he's been online without getting off.." So, I IMed Jake, and he said "no.. Sorry.. I gotta go" So I said see ya and he got offline.. Now I don't know if he really did have to go - but I wonder if I hadn't have IMed him then, if he still wouldn't stayed online. I'm begining to think that I might be annoying Jake. And thats the last thing I want to do. So I've kinda made a little deal with myself to not IM him when he comes online for at least 4 days. If he IMs me - then I'll talk to him cause then I know for a fact that he wanted to talk to me. But I do really need to talk to him. I have a lot of questions to ask him so I can be straight forward and make sure that I'm not annoying him or anything. But I know I'm an annoying little fucker.. And I don't blame him for not liking me. I may be assuming there.. but I'm sure that I'm probably right that he doens't like me.

Then I also think about.. Even if Jake was Bi or Gay.. HE WOULDN'T LIKE ME!! I'm not ONE BIT ATTRACTIVE to anyone. So why do I even think that I'll have a chance to be with him? If he was Bi or Gay - he'd like go for someone actually hot.. Not ugly.. I seem to have this little thing stuck in my head that if I found out he was Bi or Gay that he would like me and that we could "secretly" date or something - but then I realize that he ISN'T bi or gay and that I wouldn't even appeal to him if he were to be that way. I dont think I'll ever appeal to anyone. Specifically the guys.. Cause yeah I may be friendly and make friends.. but once again - my personality makes me feel ugly. There's no use for it anymore.

All I can do is hope that Jake doesn't already dispize of me and that things will be fine in the future.. Maybe I'm making shit out of nothing.. I'm not so sure anymore.. I hope that I'm just exaggerating..

Oh, and I was listening to my Mandalay playlist yesterday.. cause I like to listen to them when I'm feeling depressed and I stumbled upon the song "Safer Now" by Mandalay. I swear - I started to cry when I heard the chorus.. The chorus lyrics are the title of this entree.. It's a beautiful song.. Just something about the "You'll be safer now.. Everybody loves you" just grabs me.. AH! I'm gonna cry now if I even think about it. I would strongly suggest that anyone search for it on Kazaa or whatever.. It'll take a while to find - it's a hard song to find since no one really has it. But if you continue to search for it for a while - you'll find it.

I think I'm going to analyze the lyrics to what I make of them.. So here's what I take from the lyrics:

"I should leave you alone"

[What I think of that is that I should give some time for Jake to be alone.. And to not have to continually talk to me.]

"I should leave you to be"

[What I think of that is that I should leave him alone to do what he wants.. I shouldn't be so attached to him.. I mean he has his own life - why should I intrude into it?]

"I should learn how to let go"

[What I think of that is I should learn to not take things so personally.. When he said he had to go - he may have been busy and had to actually go.. But instead I started thinking too much and thought up of it as if he was avoiding me.]

"You'll be safer now - Everybody loves you."

[I think that that means that now that I'll be gone - he'll be fine again. He won't have to have another problem in his way and that if he really did care for me - that there's everyone else who loves him too. I'll always love Jake but I guess I'll have to let go if he doesn't feel same for me.]

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.. I think I should go. I'm starting to cry now ..

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