Okay, I read Kami's diary earlier and she was talking about how the inside is what matters and the outside doesn't. And I believe in that a lot. I would LOVE to believe that people see whats on the inside and realizes that that's all that matters.. but truth is ..

THEY DON'T.

SOCIETY ISN'T PERFECT. NO ONE IS TREATED FAIRLY; NO ONE WILL BE TREATED EQUALLY.

That's just the harsh reality. If you don't have the looks for something - what makes you think someone will talk to you? If you're ugly - No one is going to come up to you and try to spark a conversation. Especially if you're disgusting - it's the truth. But when you look like Vin Diesel or Brittney Spears - you nearly DEMAND attention and people will give it to you.

It's like this: If you were at a shop and you saw this box of chocolate that was totally fucked over.. Like it had scrathes everywhere and it looked like it was thrown to the ground and everything.. You wouldn't want it, so then you kept walking and saw the SAME chocolate but it was neatly wrapped and had a little bow on it and it was neatly set aside.. Which one would you buy? The nice looking one! You wouldn't even THINK about picking up the fucked up one.. See what I mean? It's the same with people at our school.. there's a few people that are ugly [like Ryan Smith..] and people won't even TALK to him! Now I don't blame those people cause Ryan is a flat out conceited, exaggeratable, attention-seeking son of a bitch who craves everyone to give him pity. But I hope that that made sense.. It also goes for the world today..

In society these days - like Hollywood - protocal is as follows:

1. Image/Apperance

2. Physical Attributes

THEN the talent/whatever they're applying for.

It's common sense. People these days try so hard to show everyone that people wil be treated equally in the world when they're lying. Flat out setting themselves and others for a major destruction.

That's why I hate Uniforms in schools. First off, cause it detracts from individuality.. and Secondly cause it makes everyone the same - there's no adversity - therefore IMPLYING to the children that everyone will be the same in the real world - that everyone will be treated the same in the real world - that everyone will be treated equally in the real world.. But once those little chidren grow up out of High School and go into College.. They're gonna be fucked. I feel bad for those kids.. cause all their life they've been known that everyone will be the same and everyone will be treated the same.. When thats just the fattest lie there is. Can't get any harsher than that.

So back to my image. Thats why I want to change myself.. I might as well work on my image now and get better looking by my 20's than look great now and look awful in my 20's - you understand? I know I'm ugly now but I have confidence and determination to get more muscle.. to get rid of this acne.. to gain weight.. and to just overall feel better about myself. But until then - I'll go by finding myself ugly - cause I am.

And onto other things..

I guess Kourtney is mad at us cause we don't like her. Hey, I can't help it that she's annoying. I can't help it that she's a bitch. I can't help it that she's a poseur. All those little things add onto her diminishing appeal to be friends with. I mean, she hates it that no one is honest with her - then she bitches that we ARE honest with her. ::rolls eyes:: Let's just say I'm glad this happened AFTER I got my Christmas present from her - cause I'm sure I won't be seeing much of her - and I might as well have used her for getting me something anyway.

I guess that's another attribute to society.. Some people are in command while others get used too much. Now I have no place in that cause I believe I'm a person that gets what he wants and works for something that he wants - I wont let others use me anymore.. I have in the past but I've changed. And people should know when they're being used to stop it.. I mean - the person thats using you isn't going to stop.. So anyways.

You know, I believe that our universe is one small molecule.. That outside of that molecule is another world - that's made up of another molecule and other beings.. Kinda like how that first Men In Black ended. I think that there are other people that are outside of this universe - outside of this molecule and if we were to travel out of our dimensions we'd find other humans or other life forms that are in another molecue.. Did that make any sense? I think that there are worlds inside worlds.. Therefore I think we are not alone in this ..

--

The withered rose lays down upon its final death bed..

An ever lasting gleam of hope and sorrow fill the sky..

The dust glides through the wind only to land upon the rose and cover it with lightly specked matter..

A long lost valentine with no recipiant in sight..

--

I just wrote that off the top of my head - I appaulogize for its crappiness..

I feel so bored and unamused by everything now. Nothing excites me anymore. It's like .. "where has the fire gone? where's the inspiration to live?" .. No where as of now. I think what I need to do is get away from this room.. this atmosphere.. this house.. these attachments..

The things that once gave me joy now fill me with contempt.

And what has changed is I don't want to talk about it to anyone anymore. I don't want to talk. I don't want ..

..

I'll leave you with this little conversation thing that was posted recently on the OTEP board.. Think about it.

"God loves everyone"

"but he hates the gays..."

"but he loves everyone..."

"except the gays right?"

"god loves everyone but gays are an abomination..."

"so god loves an abomination??"

"god will judge them someday..."

"but, since he loves everyone he'll accept the gays too...right?"

"god loves everyone of his children."

"this is going nowhere....I may as well have been talking to a bagel...at least I could eat the bagel when I was done."

=->