Well, I think I'm gonna just do what Angela has done [give credit to her] and just list some shit that's bothering me.. It's a quick way to get to certain issues.

1. Well.. today I went to this family party thing for easter and while everyone was having a good time, I was in the back room looking through old photo books.. I stumbled upon some old pictures of me with my real mother.. I started to tear up at the photos.. but I was able to hold it in.. I saw a photo of when My father, mother, my brother and I were at Disney land when I was like 4 years old.. We were so happy then.. My dad looked so much more enthusiastica and joyfull.. and my Mother.. My mother.. she was beautiful.. When I think of her.. I wish she was here and then I realize that everyone takes their mothers for granted.. I hate that.. It makes me litterally sick.. But moving on.

2. I don't really feel any emotions except for the feeling that I'm loosing balance.. slippage basically. I just feel constantly bored and unamused by everything and everyone. I mean, I can handle anyone but I swear, if I get pissed I'm just gonna show it like how it comes out. I just really keep thinking about how things were different if I had a loving mother there.

3. I'm ugly. I woke up this morning and words cannot express how embarrassed I was to be who I am right now. Enough said right there.

4. I dont want to be myself anymore. People say that they'd kill to be me or have my personality.. Do they know how it is to deal with what I deal with everyday? Now wait.. Lemme see.. NO THEY FUCKING DON'T. People are really ignorant these days. I don't know what to say about that anymore.

5. I feel like I don't fit in my own skin anymore.. It feels like theres something within trying to break out.. Or something from the outside trying to break through.. I don't know. But all I can really honestly state is I feel lifeless.. I don't feel great.. I don't feel too depressed. Although I bet feeling this way is 'considered' depression. But yeah.. The basic emotions I feel are: Loneliness, Hate, Anger and Sadness.

6. I think the only thing thats getting me through shit like this.. [relates to Angela] is Jake. I just can't wait to see him after Spring Break.. All I gotta do now is make myself look fucking better instead of this fucking wreck. I'm like an anxious butterfly grower.. I'm trying to make the catipillar [Jake] grow into a Butterfly and fly to me whenever he wants.. but our friendship isn't going like that. I'm trying for something that won't happen. [Relates to Angela again] Cause, he wouldn't like me.. No one would. I'm fucking disgusting. I won't go into detail about that cause I've done this before - so just shut the fuck up and realize that I'm right.

7. And to top it all off - I have to go to Church tomorow.. Now, I would be fine if I actually WANTED to go.. But I don't. I don't like doing things out of my own free will.. And I don't believe in Church and stuff like that.. I can't stand to be around that many insecure people.. I mean, I don't have a problem with Church and religion.. but I don't approve of it.. So that's gonna piss me off for a while.. I'm begining to believe that I'm now: Wiccan/Agnostic/Satanic/Atheist. Look up those words at www.dictionary.com cause I'm sure most of you idiots don't know what it means..

Okay.. I'm sorry if I started calling you names.. I look over what I typed and realize that its kinda rude.. But I won't change it cause what's typed is typed.. thats how I'm feeling.. So yeah - I guess I'm pretty pissed right now..

..just wait till the come-down..

I'll update tomorrow.. ::rolls eyes::

---

I don't care if your world is ending today

Because I wasn't invited to it anyway

You said I tasted famous so I drew you a heart

But now I'm not an artist, I'm a fucking work of art

I got an F and a C, and I got a K too

And the only thing that's missing is a bitch like u

You wanted perfect, you got your perfect

Now I'm too perfect for someone like you

I was a dandy in the ghetto with a snow white smile

But you'll never be as perfect whatever you do

What's my name? What's my name?

Ah-ah, Ah-ah

Hold the S because I am an ain't

What's my name? What's my name?

Ah-ah, Ah-ah

Hold the S because I am an ain't

Ah-ah, Ah-ah

Ah-ah, Ah-ah

I am bone top, a deathset, on a mop stick

You infected me to diamonds, I took all your shit

Your sell-by-date expired so you had to be sold

I'm a suffer-genius and then a sex symbol

You wanted perfect, you got your perfect

Now I'm too perfect for someone like you

I was a dandy in the ghetto with a snow white smile

But you'll never be as perfect whatever you do

What's my name? What's my name?

Ah-ah, Ah-ah

Hold the S because I am an ain't

--"(s)AINT" by Marilyn Manson