Well.. Today was pretty shitty. It was raining - and although I love the rain, I just wasn't really looking forward to it. But the rain didn't bother me much.

Trevor wasn't at school - and he was supposed to give me my sweater and my Modest Mouse CD.. but eh - I'll get it tomorrow.

And during lunch time - Angela left. But when I got home she DID tell me what happened in her class.. Cause Jake has swimming in the same class as her so I told her to "report" back to me.. Muaha. Well, she said that his hair looks cute when its wet - but when she was out of the pool - she didn't have a towel so guess who gives her a towel? Jake! I just thought that was pretty sweet of him to do that. Heh. Anyways --

Nothing else really happened today. In spanish - I didn't say much to Jake.. But he forgot again to bring the sadies picture. He wrote it down on his hand again though - hopefully he'll bring it tomorrow. Hehe. We only said a few words to each other.. He asked me "Why do we have to learn English? It's not like I'm gonna go to England" .. and I was such an idiot I didn't know what to say in responce so I was like "heh, yeah" and I turned around.. I felt like an idiot cause I just didn't know what to say! But yeah..

When I was on the bus - I put on my Massive Attack CD and just slept kinda all the way through to my bus stop and then woke up when someone poked me in the side. Thankfully they did. Then I went home - Started on my homework [which was just a page in spanish and some flashcards to do] and then I remember it was 3:43 and I was like.. "Okay, I'm just gonna nap for a bit" so I put on my Massive Attack CD and I layed down a bit and next thing I know - I wake up and its 5:36.. I missed the Simpsons!! Ugh. Well.. This entree sucks so far.

Okay on to the stuff I'm gonna bitch about:

1. I'm really ticked off that I wasn't more 'responsive' to Jake today. I could've talked to him about P.E. or something but no.. I guess today just wasn't my day. I didn't feel that great - considering I fell asleep in Health class and I really wanted to in Spanish but I didn't just for Jake. So he should feel special. That reminds me.. At lunch, I saw him with Brittany [his new girlfried..] and I was watching how happy they were together and then all the sudden I see them hug and kiss.. and I don't know why but that hurt me. It really shouldn't have though.. But it did. I mean, I love them being together - whatever makes him happy - makes me happy. But it just kinda crushes me to see him with Brittany. You know, when I was in Health, when I fell asleep - I had a little "dream" I guess you could say, since I was still conscious but I was thinking about things.. I thought about how it would be to date Jake. To see him after 1st period -- hug him and kiss him then hold hands and walk to math together.. Then when we would stand there just talking and stuff - I would grab his beanie and put it on myself.. Then as we were saying bye he would grab me, kiss me - then say 'i love you' and really mean it.. Those sorts of thoughts/dreams make me feel so good but yet it makes me feel depressed.. Cause my mind plays the trick on me and makes so many things so vivid -- and I know that nothing will happen between Jake and I.. It's all just in my mind - sadly.

2. I guess I'm on this big-ass restriction now. Since I have an F in Math now. My father won't let me do anything till the grades go up. Which I'm kinda amazed he hasn't prevented me from being on the computer - but I'm not gonna mention it to him cause then he'll just take this away from me. I mean, he can do what he wants as a punishment - but I don't think he knows that if he were to REALLY want to destroy me - he would have to take away my music. Okay, yeah my dad is staring at me and saying "I think - you should seriously cut your time down on that" .. WTF am I supposed to say?? Um.. No. I'm just pissed off at that cause he wont let me go to Junior Prom and if I don't bring up my grades I won't go to Senior Prom either.. Yes, I was invited to both by Roxanne.. But yeah - I don't wanna let her down for the Senior Prom.

3. I don't feel myself anymore. I'm constantly tired but yet I can't sleep well at night [but yet I sleep in class..] And I can feel all my emotions grow and grow stronger for Jake with every day. I'm actually dreading being apart from school cause then I can't see him. I don't want to have the weekend come now.. I want to be at school.. where he is. But what I'm going to try and do is push all my crappy feelings aside and try to be as much talkitive to Jake tomorrow as I can. Tomorrow is Friday and I really REALLY want to make an impression on him or something. Hopefully he'll be online sometime while I still can be online without my dad bitching to me about how I should be studying instead.. ::rolls eyes:: That reminds me..

4. I've been feeling extremely angry and 'short-fused' lately. I've been getting angry and pissed off at the simple-est things.. But I can't tell that I am while I am being rude. It just sort of happens. I'm in an angry related enviroment.. I can't help it. I just feel as if I need some sort of outlet - besides sleeping - cause I sleep when I'm angry or upset ..

But back to Jake -- I feel so much for him.. It can't be measured.. I can't tell how much I feel for him.. It's just unexplainable.. I think that I'm gonna try to ask him for some advice this weekend. I might just tell him my feelings for him. I don't know. At this point -- it's probably not safe for me to be making any decisions.

Oh, but I did figure out some bass tunes last night. I picked up my bass and I figured out two parts to just some normal plucking. It's cool. I need to hang out with Angela though so we can hear each others new stuff. I mean, and like actually put some stuff together and form a song.

I'm listening to "Smile" by Olive right now. ::sigh:: ::pauses to listen to music:: This song means so much to me. Sometimes I sit back and I'm so proud of what music I've discovered.. I'm a very outgoing guy and when I'm motivated - I tend to find some pretty AWESOME shit online. I found so many fucking bands this school year - It's amazing. And that's one thing that kinda pisses me off.. When I tell someone about a band that they had no previous memory of knowing and then all the sudden they become obsessed with the band when I'M the one who told them and they wouldn't even KNOW about the band if it wasn't for ME. I know that seems self-centered but I'm very VERY attached to the music I listen to. I have like.. as sad as it sounds.. relationships with all of my songs/bands. And when someone acts as if they've known about a band since they first came out - It pisses me off cause I'M usually the one who was there from the begining .. It just ticks me off.

Wow, tangent day today eh? I guess so.

I think I'm begining to not care anymore what everyone does. Not like I should be but if I want to do something now-a-days .. I just do it. I don't really think about what others will think about stuff.. I guess I've sort of just blinded their thoughts or my "what if's" concerning them and I just want to do what pleases me from now on. I haven't been experiencing very much joy lately so anything that I can do for myself is much needed right now.

.. I keep thinking about Jake. I can't stop thinking about him.. and his face.. His eyes.. Oh! His eyes.. Oh my god.. That reminds me - in Spanish we turned out the lights to watch a small movie thing, and I looked over at Jake who was talking to Cassandra and oh my god.. His eyes were fucking beautiful. They had that look in them like a little puppy dog at the pound.. I just wanted to jump over the desk and give him a hug. I would like to say [even though she wont read it] how lucky Brittany is to be dating Jake. A man like that does NOT come along very often. He's an amazing person and he's caring.. loving.. adorable.. I could go on and on.. But the point is this.. If you, Brittany, ever.. EVER hurt Jake in any way.. I will come after you. I will not stand to see Jake get hurt one more time. Jake means a lot to me and I will protect him at all costs.. So take this as a warning - if you plan on becoming a bitch soon.. Just know that whatever you do will come back to you 3 fold.. And among those things - it will be me. Especially if something were to happen to Jake.. Ooooh I will hurt you so bad Brittany..

But I guess this is a long entree. I'm gonna leave with a song that kinda makes me think a lot. You gotta think about what she's saying .. [analogys .. etc..] but this is a great song.. Means a lot to me.

Good night everyone. Sleep in peace.

=->

"It's way too late to think of

Someone I would call now,

The neon signs got tired.

Red-eyed flights help the stars south,

I'm safe in a corner,

Just hours before me...

I'm waking with the roaches

The world has surrendered,

I'm dating ancient ghosts,

The ones I made friend with.

The comfort of fireflies,

Long gone before daylight...

And if I had one wish fulfilled tonight,

I'd ask for the sun to never arise.

If God lend His voice to me to speak...

I'd say: "Go to bed World.."

I've always been to lame

To see what's before me

And I know nothing's sweeter than

Champaign from last New Years,

Sweet music in my ears

And a night full of no fear.

But If I had one wish fulfilled tonight,

I'd ask for the sun to never arise.

If God pass the might to me to speak...

I'd say: "Stay in bed, World... Sleep in peace.."

"03:45 No Sleep" -- The Cardigans