Well.. I'm blank. I don't know what to say. I don't know what to say. I don't know how to react. I don't know what to do.

Let me first start off by talking about the whole Kami and L-----a issue. I am so fucking confused as to what the fuck is going on. One minute Kami is pissed off at L-----a .. Then she says she doesn't care.. Then she sends lyrics to L-----a saying how she was so hurt by the whole ordeal with L-----a.. Then she types in her diary saying that L-----a can't hurt her anymore - that she's unbreakeable.

L-----a talked to me on the phone and told me that her whole point was NOT to hurt Kami.. She didn't mean anything to be hurtful.. She doens't even know why they're still fighting. I think the person thats taking the whole thing mature is L-----a. I mean, L-----a has one front towards this whole situation - she just wants it solved. But it seems as if Kami is constantly changing her stance on the whole thing. It's really confusing. But I'm no longer going to be telling each other what either of them say. They both don't have the guts or backbone to face each other - although I admire L-----a's attempt to get things resolved. And Kami talks the talk but she has yet to learn to walk the walk.

Moving on with my entree..

Did you know that on average [keyword being average] a parent spends 3 minutes talking to their child a day?

Did you knwo that on average [keyword being average] a parent spends 11 hours talking to their child a year?

Take how many times you've had a conversation with your parent and spread all those times over one year.. Would it amount to 3 minutes per day?

For my parents situation - I would have to agree. I never spend that much time talking to my parents but today seemed like an exceptionally good day with them. No arguing. No fighting. We just got along well and I helped out with the house chores and it was just a good day. And it was through them that I found out those statistics I posted above. Amazing what you could learn from you parents if you would just listen every once in a while.

Well, my parents went for a motorcycle ride today and while they were gone I was blasting my Marilyn Manson CD, "Antichrist Superstar," and I was listening to "The Minute Of Decay" and I had a sudden jolt of an idea for a great music video! I can't describe it.. I have it in my mind - it's easier to visualize what I'm seeing than to put it into words. But as that song ended, another one started and BAM! Another great idea hit me! All I can say is that they all have resemblence to morbid scenes of death - dead human dolls being tied up and positioned around in awkward positions - eeary houses and scenarios and just.. really awesome stuff. And hopefully if I end up staying sophomore year I'll have Multimedia I and I'll be able to put some of these videos to work!! I have an ever growing list of music video ideas. What can I say.. I have a strange mind - but a mind that's wise and knows what the audience wants. They don't want all happy scenes of kids jumping around in fields of roses .. They want something obscene.. something offensive.. something to gawk at.. something to be enraged at.. something to spit on their senses and deny their presence of a heart.. That's what they want.. And if they want it.. Soon - they will have it.

I was at my grandmothers house and she was telling a story about how she was on the country side and she was walking through a bush and all the sudden - a jackrabbit jumped out of the bushes and she thought it was an Elephant and she started running like the dickens.. Hahaha. I thought that was fucking hilarious.. I was laughing so hard.. An Elephant?? Hahaha.. It was great.

I was going through some of my fathers CD's and I stumbled upon Sarah Brightmans "La Luna" CD.. And I remembered when I went to one of her concerts like last year or two and I went to the show and oh my god.. I was BLOWN away by this womans voice. She is amazing. She has this wonderful opera voice and she seems to be only 20 years old. She's amazing.. I mean, she was so good, when the show ended - I was litterally crying.. I was so entralled in this show.. I never wanted it to end. She's that good. And when I was crying - she came out for an encore and I was just so excited. It's hard to explain how I was feeling - it may have been cause I was so young and so easily emotional back in that age but she was just amazing. So, I saw her CD in my dad's stack of CD's and I took it out and I started listening to it.. And I just love this CD. It's opera based and it tinges on the side of .. I can't put what she's in.. I would like to say she's part Jazz/Trip Hop/Contemporary. And I would have to say that she's like a lot of things.. Mostly contemporary. I would recomend that anyone download "Winter In July" by Sarah Brightman. It has a great message and that song in particular is getting me through my stress, depression, anger, sadness.. like everything I've been feeling.

A lot of people think that I'm feeling nothing at this moment but in secret I've been really hurting on the inside. Like I usually do - I hide my emotions deep inside so I don't have to expose them cause I know when I let them out - people get bored and annoyed and that's the last thing I want. I hate to say it but I'll be honest - I'm insecure of my relationships and everything. I'm always doubtful of something and I'm continually worrying about my friendships. I can't help it.

And so tomorrow I'm going to be spending lunch with Emily and I guess Angela will join with us. Loretta wants to join too but I was trying to tell her that she doens't know Emily and I don't want the whole group there.. I mean I can handle having Angela there cause Angela is like my sister right now. She's amazingly close to me now and I feel comfortable with her there. But if Loretta, Kami or Katya or someone else were to be there with us I would feel as if I'm trying to push everyone onto Emily. And the whole basis of me spending time with Emily was to be away from Loretta and Katya and Kami.. I want to only be there so I can talk to Emily .. Socialize with her and be with Angela and talk to Jake if he's around. I don't want everyone there.. So I don't know.. We'll just have to see how things go.

But I was hoping to catch Jake online so I could remind him to put those Sadies pictures in his backpack so I could have them on Monday.. But he ain't on. So I just told Emily to remind him if she see's him online. So I got that cleared up.

And I actually did my homework today. Yay. From now on till the end of the year I'm going to focus more on my homework and getting things done. I really need to bring my grades up. I'm begining to realize how much they mean to me.. For college that is. So yeah, I did Spanish and I have to interview my Math teacher for a Spanish project.. So I'll do that tomorrow too. And I'm gonna be bringing a camera to school tomorrow cause I gotta get a picture of him too [don't ask, my Spanish teacher is a dumbshit] but then I guess I'll use the rest of the pictures at lunch time so I can get some of Emily and Jake.. And what not.. woohoo. Seems like a great day tomorrow..

I was going through my older entree's today and I found my poem that I had typed up before.. And I copied and saved it into my word document so just incase if it ever gets deleted.. I was amazed at some of the things I've said over the couple of months.. It's amazing how I've changed. But I guess [and hope] that it was for the best.

I was also talking to my online friend Anna and she introduced me to her [gay] friend Danny who lives in South Carolina near her. He's really cute!! I was talking to him today but I had to go to my Grandparent's house [and we all know about the Elephant by now.. hahahah...] so I didn't talk to him too much. But he's really cute and he's nice. So I'm gonna be talking to him over the next few days.. And Anna's been talking about talking over the phone.. I don't know if I'm ready for that yet.. but we'll see. She was also talking about wanting me to come to her wedding which is next month. But I can't make it.. It's too much money and my rents of course wouldn't let me go.. So it's okay though. I wish them the best of luck though - Anna and Gabe that is. Danny is mine! Haha.. Just kidding.. But Danny is single.. ;) We'll seeeee..

But lately I've been getting attracted to Kelsey - a girl in my Spanish class.. She's really cute and she's nice.. and funny. She's great. I'm gonna be talking to her tomorrow.. like always.. and who knows?? Maybe she likes me too. I don't know.. But if Angela talks to her and she finds out that she likes me.. Maybe I'll ask her out. I wouldn't mind at ALL to date Kelsey.. In fact I need a girlfriend to learn from things.. Cause I haven't had a girlfriend in a while.. and I won't be able to get a boyfriend.. So I might as well play it straight and try to get what I can..

Well.. I'm gonna be going now. It's been a good entree so far. I'm gonna watch the Simpsons then take a shower and probably go to bed.. At 9:30!! Isn't that amazing!! I'll probably just end up lying in bed.. OH MY GOD!! That reminds me of my dream I had last night!!

Okay.. The dream takes place in my old Math class in Cavitt.. With my teacher Mr. Lee and I was sitting there and all the sudden I was looking at my neighbor and he had this beanie on - which was black and orange - and it reminded me of Korn.. Somehow.. I don't know.. So I grabbed it and looked at it then Mr. Lee throws a beanie to me and it must have been a beanie that he made and it was black and orange too and it had a pocket on it.. So I was like.. Okay.. So then he handed out a test - which was a Spanish test - not a math test.. And I was taking it and I specifically remember seeing the word the number 15 and solo on the paper but I couldn't read what number 15 was saying. I was squinting and it was so dark on just that one spot.. I couldn't read it.. And so I finished the test and I return it and all the sudden I'm sitting on this thing and I look up on the shelf and there's this FAT ASS spider with its legs open and looking like its ready to fucking pounce on me.. And I seriously have a phobia of spiders. Oh my god I hate them so much.. So I was like trying to get off this thing and I couldn't, and the spider started to move down towards me and I was like screaming and then I got off the thing and then I look at it and all the sudden its back to where it originally was in the same position.. I was like "okay..." and then I guess I woke up.. Strange huh?

Well that was a strange dream. But I do remember something with Jake in it.. But I don't remember what exactly.. But I remember Jake was in one of my dreams.. I have like multiple dreams a night.. So ..

I guess I'll go for now. Good nite everyone. Heh.. long entre.. But yeah..

See ya.

.. I wonder what Jake looks like when he's sleeping .. aww... hehe.. Okay see ya.