Well.. nothing to type about.

Things are moving so slow lately. I haven't been outside of my own enviroment for what seems like years. I think it's time for me to shed my skin and go outside of my 'comfort zone' and do some things that I should've done a while ago.

On monday, I've made arrangements with Emily to hang out with her at lunch. I haven't talked to her a while except for online and I would like to hang out with her. Plus, she hangs out with Jake so I could talk to him too.

And about Jake. I talked to him today and he was saying how he was feeling really bad. He was thinking about dumping Brittany and he's really bothered by that. He said that Brittanys a great girl and that he'll eventually get over Ashley .. But he said he wont have a second chance with her cause he'll fuck it up. And I was telling him how he needs more confidence.. cause he's constantly putting himself down. Then he said that he knew and he hated himself. Then signed off. And I hate it when he does that. He'll always say something like that then sign off and it leaves me there thinking that I should've said something else. I really hope he feels better after he dumps Brittany. And I really hope that things will work out with Ashley and him. I mean, even though I love Jake to death - I still want him to be happy. And he told me the only time he was happy was when he was with Ashley.

I just want him to be happy.

I look at what I have right now in life. And I'm satisfied. I have friends. I have people there for me. I have people who can make me laugh. I have people who can be my shoulder to cry on. I have people who care. But is there such a thing of wishing that those people were other people?

Or maybe that I could have someone else to be an alternate source of support?

I just get really pissed off when I don't get what I want. I've tried a lot to become Jakes friend. And look at this.. I am. I've got Jake as a friend and I've now come to realize that the only thing thats holding us back from beoming better friends is me. I haven't gone to talk to him at lunch.. I only talk to him in Spanish and online. That's it. Well.. That's going to change. Hopefully during lunch on Monday, Emily will hang out with Jake too and I'll talk to him there when I hang out with Emily. All it takes is a change in mind.. I have to stop thinking of him as a potential boyfriend. And I'm starting to apply that outlook now-a-days. And it's helping a lot with me not being that nervous when I talk to him and stuff. And when that happens I end up talking ot him a lot more cause the MAIN reason why I don't talk to him much outside of class is cause I'm nervous of what to say - when it really shouldn't matter!

You know you're true friends when there's an awkward silence.. but it isn't awkward.

So, on Monday I'm gonna spend lunch with Emily and hopefully just be like "Hey Jake.. what's going on" and HOPEFULLY by then he would've broken up with Brittany so I can talk to him about it in person. That would be the best thing ever. If she wasn't around and he would want to talk about it to someone ya know? We'll just have to wait till Monday..

Everything is kinda just .. there, ya know? Nothing seems to be exciting. The only excitment I'm getting is talking to Jake and even then it's not that exciting. He's just a normal guy - just another person I talk to. And that's what hitting me I guess. That he's just another person. What was I thinking when I thought that I could even have a chance or the thought of being with Jake.. Goes to show how far ignorance goes..

There's like no reason in standing up for anything anymore. I have noticed that I've stopped arguing with my rents lately and just not responding to them when they want to start an argument.. And the fable is true - when someone starts an argument and you just ignore them - they stop and go away. Cause everytime I open my mouth I only add fuel to the fire.. and then I usually do or say something wrong and something gets fucked over - it always does.

You know, when I think about how Jake must feel - I can't honestly say that I know what it must feel to have dated someone - then have them dump you and yet you still love them.. Well.. now that I think about it. My first girlfriend, Christina dumped me and I still wanted to date her. I still love/d her. I mean, I was actually attracted to her. She was really pretty and I did get *ahem* around her. We even made out in a couple of movies. But yet I still haven't kissed a girl yet. I've come really close - but haven't actually kissed a girl yet. I don't know how to. I wouldn't know what to do. And it was from her relationship that I had with her that made me know that I'm not Gay. Cause I still like some girls. In-fact, I like this Kelsey girl in my Spanish class too. She's really pretty but I would never have a chance with her.. I mean, yes I talk to her and she talks to me.. But I'm like 99% sure that she doesn't find me attractive or any kind of boyfriend material. That reminds me that Angela was gonna give me her email so I could add her on msn. Damn it.

So I guess what I'm gonna do at school is assume the position of being straight and try to find a girlfriend.. I would love to date Kelsey but.. I know she doesn't like me. So I don't know who or what to do. I just need to have someone to date so I can learn from mistakes and to experience new things.

Well anyways.. I guess I'm gonna go. I'll leave with a song from Marilyn Manson. Hopefully you'll actually read it.. Bye everyone.

"THERE'S NOT MUCH LEFT TO LOVE

TOO TIRED TODAY TO HATE

I FEEL THE EMPTY

I FEEL THE MINUTE OF DECAY

I'M ON MY WAY DOWN NOW, I'D LIKE TO TAKE

YOU WITH ME

I'M ON MY WAY DOWN

I'M ON MY WAY DOWN NOW, I'D LIKE TO TAKE

YOU WITH ME

I'M ON MY WAY DOWN

THE MINUTE THAT IT'S BORN

IT BEGINS TO DIE

I'D LOVE TO JUST GIVE IN,

I'D LOVE TO LIVE THIS LIE

I'VE BEEN TO BLACK AND BACK

I'VE WHITED OUT MY NAME

A LACK OF PAIN, A LACK OF HOPE,

A LACK OF ANYTHING TO SAY

THERE IS NO CURE FOR WHAT IS KILLING ME

I'M ON MY WAY DOWN

I'VE LOOKED AHEAD AND SAW A

WORLD THAT'S DEAD

I GUESS THAT I AM TOO

I'M ON MY WAY DOWN NOW, I'D LIKE TO TAKE

YOU WITH ME... "

"The Minute Of Decay" -- Marilyn Manson

=->