Wow that was the most fucking stupidest thing I've ever done. Okay first off -- about the diary thing -- The reason why it wouldn't work was cause first off -- the password that I was using.. was not the password.. So I fixed that up and changed my password to something that I know and now.. look! It's working!! And I guess what I'm going to do now is lock my other diary and just use that one for my personal reflection [like Angela was talking about] I mean, I'm not going to waste it.. Hell no. So I might as well put it to some use ;D.

So I went to the family thing. It wasn't fun or anything. But I did see Kathy and I ended up talking to her the majority of the time. Half way through the whole thing I was getting pretty annoyed with everyone else ignoring me so instead of be subjected to their endless rants and not even paying me any attention -- I went to the front of the house and sat down in some miniscule place and I just felt really serene. I was there -- the sun was shining on me -- and the heat from the sun was warming me up while a cool breeze would blow by. I watched how the grass moved flimsly from side to side as the wind blew and wished I could be that flexible. After about 15 mimutes of just sitting there staring off into space and in deep thought -- I realized that I was picking off my nail-polish. I don't know why but now I don't have any nail-polish on them. Strange how you'll be doing something and you won't even notice it. Then after a bit people started coming out to the front to fuck around and as I was getting up to leave -- a fucking spider came running by and I freaked out and got up immediatly and started to walk kinda fast the other direction. I swear I have a spider phobia. So then I went back into the other part of the backyard where everyone kinda was and I sat down.. Everyone was eating cake and I was pretty pissed off when NO ONE asked me if I wanted a piece. Like this one girl asked everyone if they wanted one and then she fucking skips me and doesn't even ask.. So I was pissed off .. Then my dad's all like "No cake? Whats wrong with you?" and I was like "I don't want any anyway" and I just sat there being saturated in my hate. Then my dad kept persisting on asking me why I didn't have cake.. I dont get it.. Why can't I not have cake? So after a while of that we went inside for presents and just sat around. Nothing big there. I was still kinda pissed off but instead of just sitting there -- I just went for a piece of cake and then my dad's like "Hey, I thought you didn't want one!" and I was like "What the hell.. just leave me alone.." and he said something else but I blocked it out. So after that.. We were about to leave when -- I'll never forget this -- Kathy comes up and gives me a big hug and she says "Just want you to know that I love you.. And I'm very proud of you - I'm sure you Mother is too." [refuring to my REAL Mother] And I was speechless.. I just couldn't stop hugging her. I was about to break down crying then.. Cause before that happened.. I was truely feeling dead.. and then suddenly have Kathy come up and tell me that she loves me and how she's proud of me.. It meant so much to me. More than the world.. Cause I have NEVER.. NEVER had anyone tell me that they were proud of me. ......... Sorry.. I just had to pause about that. It's going to make me cry but I'm going to still type. And then it made me think about my Mother.. I wonder if she is proud of me. With the choices I've made in life.. With how I react to things.. [okay, now I'm crying] and it just makes me feel.. I can't describe it.. But Kathy really did something big for me today. She truely brought me out of the gutter and back onto top soil. I just .. couldn't believe that she was proud of me. Like I said before.. No one has ever said that to me and it truely meant a lot coming from her. I love Kathy so much right now.

I just can't put that out of my head.. I wish my mother was here with me now -- I could truely use a hug and a kiss from her now.. [okay I gotta stop .. I'm crying too much]

...i'll update later...

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