[.:remember the future:.]
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Deep Honey
05.03.03 //_ 9:32 PM

[This entree was orignally started at around 7:30 PM

Well, this entree is going to be on self-reflection. So this does not concern you -- I would appreciate it if you didn't read the rest of this entree. Thanks.

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Well. I just went through my other entree's and I found myself being embarrassed by a few entree's .. while others made me feel pity for myself .. while others made me be like "Yeah!! Go Jeff!!" even though I'm talking about myself.. But I would like to state that I don't want attention.. Nothing that I have posted here on my diary was NEVER meant for attention or pity or whatever. Everything in here was solely for me -- and then it was my choice to give others the url so they could read it and know what's going on with me, ya know? But I must say that I have/had a lot of issues back then.. And I did notice that my preparation of things have excelled. Like that matters..

But I was embarrassed by a few entree's I've made. I think I was too easiliy able to fall suseptable to love back then [haha, its only been like 5 months but whatever] and I would say the stupidest shit ever. Like, "Oh, and he was looking at my hands! Now I know he likes me!" .. What the hell? And then again I've grown over the past months and I've come to realize things for how they are instead of exaggerating. I mean, I used to freak out when Jake would log on.. but now he's a friend -- it's not big deal. He's just another guy. So I've also gained more of a respect boundary for Jake too. I don't seem him as an objet of desire. He's a person of desire. And there is a difference.

And while I was reading some of my entree's I realized that the first .. 30 or so were all talking about how depressed I was and even when I was reading it I was getting annoyed by how many times I had mentioned I was depressed or something. Cause obviously when my friends would read that they would think I was trying to get attention when in reality I wasn't.. When I type in here I tend to forget what I type about and things just sorta come from my head to my fingers onto the screen and that's just what happens. I appaulogize to anyone if I made them feel uncomfortable reading my entree's considering I did make a few statements about suicide.

I also couldn't believe how OBSESSED I was with Jon.. Oh my fucking god. I was like way head over heels for Jon and I would litterally go on like 8 page rants about how he was moving and how I was sad or something. Wow, it must have been really annoying to hear me continually talk about him. And even now I don't like Jon anymore. I don't love him anymore either. I don't believe I ever have. I would continually tell myself that I did love him but there was nothing.. NOTHING backing up what I had felt for him. In the end it came down to me building him up on this pedastool and charactorizing him as the flawless beauty he was.. only to find out that deep down he's just a fallible human. Nothing special. Nothing needed. Nothing.. no more. I think I just kept telling myself that I loved him just for the sake of it. But I did like him. That is not a lie. And I'm almost 99% sure that if I were to see him on the street today, I wouldn't do anything. I wouldn't freak out or anything. I believe the 'love spell' that he put over me has vanquished.. I honestly don't see why he was so "perfect" to me back then either.. All I have as an excuse was that I was younger then and I'm much more wiser now [even though it's only been a few months.. but I've still learned SO much in the past few months than anyone could learn in a lifetime. Kami told me that once.. She said it was a reason why she looked up to me. I don't know if she feels the same anymore.. But I don't blame her if she doensn't.] So long story short -- I'm over Jon.

Now onto Jeff Loader. He's just another cutie! I'm not obsessed with him, I don't believe I ever was but things won't ever happen between him and I. I mean, I can't believe that Angela and I even thought of going up to him and talking to him.. That would've been so fucking stupid of me. Cause you know, he probably doesn�t even know me -- probably didn't know me back then -- and would've been traumatized if I would've talked to him. I still like him, but since I don't know him personally.. He's like a modern-day porno flick.. There for the looks but yet no one actually knows the peoples personal lives ya know? Did that make any sense? Wait, why am I saying that when no one should be reading this.. ::glares at you::

And now onto Jake. I still like Jake. But unlike the others -- I actually know Jake personally and I talk to him in person and yes I have maintained a friendship with him. And given the depth that I know him and how many times I've talked to him -- I am in love. And this is not like the love I had for Jon -- Jon's kind of love was meaningless and wasn't even [in reality] "love." But I have substance with Jake that backs up my feelings for him. And I know that to you it doesn't seem like I could love him.. but I do. But I'm not taking the love thing too far. I love him - yes but I'm not going to go crazy about the small things. I've come to realize that all that Jake and I can be are friends. And I'm just fine with that. But I do often wish things could be different. But I have come face to face with reality and I know what things could happen and what cannot happen with Jake. So long story short - The love I have for Jake is pure.. not sugar-coated.. not exaggerated.. No lies.. Just love..

And about my whole depression/suicide thoughts in the past entree's.. I've gotten way over that. Life has way too many things to offer me at the moment.. Cause if I were to take my life.. I would take away Jake.. I would take Away Angela.. I would take away Kensey.. I would take away Korn.. I would take away Goldfrapp.. I would take away everyone and everything that gives me joy. And that in itself would make me want to die again. Life is a fucking great thing. I love being alive and I have way too many things to live for at the moment. I've started way too many friendships to all the sudden end them with the death of myself. I can't see how I had those thoughts in my mind before. But at the time it was the only thing I could see.. I was so blind I couldn't see farther than myself which caused me to be claustrophobic and selfish. But now that things have come and gone -- I have such a wide horizon and I can see for miles and miles.. And I'm actually looking forward to it all. I can't wait to see where friendships go.. What CD's that bands come out with in the future.. Who will become what when they get older.. etc.. Just way too many things.. There's no time for me to die.

And well, Another thing that I'm living for is what will happen in the future. If I go out with Kensey what will happen. I mean, then again this IS High school and not everything lasts in High School. I bet if anything -- it's going to last maybe 2-4 months and something will happen and one of us will break it off [if not sooner]. It's just kinda common reality. Then again I could be wrong -- who really knows? But I'm also looking forward to other girlfriends/boyfriends and what could happen there. Who will I marry? Will I have children?? All these questions and I won't have the answer until I live life.. So I can't be suicidal when things are going so great.

So yeah, what else is there for me to talk about? Kensey hasn't been online since last night but then again I think that she can only be online at night -- and she uses her brothers computer to be online. So I'll probably talk to her later tonight at around 9 or 10. And tonight I'm gonna watch all of MADtv. I have to -- cause I haven't watched that show for such a long time. But back to Kensey. I'm really thinking that I like her. I mean, I like her as a friend and I actually think I like her as more than one too. I could imagine us going to movies.. kissing.. stuff like that you know? And with Ashley I just couldn't see that happening.. Firstly cause she was bit of an immature Senior [hard to find one of those huh? WRONG.. They're fucking everywhere.. and she's like the Klan leader of immature seniors] and Secondly cause she just wasn't working for me. I wasn't ever attracted to her. Period. But with Kensey -- she's actually really cute and she actually has a great personality.. someone who can keep ME laughing -- instead of me trying to keep THEM laughing. And that's a major thing for me. And that doesn't often happen with the people I know. I think that that right there is something worth trying. So I'm looking forward to what will happen with Kensey and I.

And Jake hasn't been online lately either. I saw him online yesterday a few times but I didn't talk to him cause you know what? I don't need to IM him every time I see him online.. That would annoy the shit out of me if that happened.. So I just didn't talk to him then. So he's probably busy and stuff, so next time he comes online I'll talk to him about Brittany and stuff. Hopefully we can have a conversation about that and maybe I'll gain some more respect from him as a friend ya know? And I'm sure he would like to talk about it to someone.. So yeah.

And I guess that's all I have to reflect about.. But before I go I would like to reflect on my friends and stuff. Just really quick.. And again.. you shouldn't even be reading this..

Friends have come and gone over the past year.. But I've gained a lot and I feel really great with the friends I have right now. I have an amazing support system of friends. I know that if I were ever down all I gotta do is talk to the right people. I may have lost a few friends but I gained too much to remember the things I've lost.

Kind of like this part of the song, "Choke" by The Cardigans:

"A common line
I close my eyes
But couldn't let it go
The perfect time
I dropped my guard
And lost but won somehow"

:) That song is cool. Anyways. I think I'm going to go. I had a long time to reflect.. And I look forward to what else happens and I know for a fact that I'll always come here to type it out. This is my place of reflection in itself. I'm going to try to keep my online diary for as long as I can so when I'm like 50 or something I can come back online and read what I had typed. That is if Diaryland stays in service till then.. And that is if I don't die before then.. And so yeah you get the picture.

So thanks for being a fillthee skank and reading what I had to say in reflection -- even though I asked you not to.. Now you may leave knowing you've disobeyed me.. ;(

Hehe. It's okay.. I would've done the same thing ;)

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