[.:remember the future:.]
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Hairy Trees
05.09.03 //_ 6:27 PM

[Just for your info, I added a new link thingy on that drop down box -- so you can now see my iMOOD. :)]

Kind of a sucky day today. Doesn't feel the same without Kensey there.

I saw her in the morning. But I didn't say anything. I went over and hung out with Roxanne and then Loretta, Trevor, Anthony and a few other people came over. We all were talking and stuff. It was boring. I was only listening to Trevor and Roxanne. But Angela wasn't there in the morning on the bus, so I just kinda lingered around. Then when the bell rang I went to first period -- which was a bit better than yesterday.. At least no one was asking me [well, not excessivly] about Kensey.

But after first period, I headed over to the Math building after Roxanne had asked if it was alright if we hung out today, I accepted and called my dad on her cell phone and he wasn't home so I left a message saying I'd be back at 5. But back to me heading to math..

I was heading back, when I saw Kensey talking to Sabrina and another girl. So I walked over and was like "Hey" and just kinda stood there.. And Kensey didn't say anything to me except "Hola" and then just continued talking to everyone else. I felt invisible. But then when she was about to leave she did say "bye." So I know that she acknowledges me and stuff. I think that she's just a bit uncomfortable around me now.. since we did go out for a few days. But I'm sure things will be fine with time.

So after that I went to math. Did the homework [and my Spanish homework which I was supposed to do last night.. but fell asleep. I was kinda depressed so I didn't feel really active..] and so I got that done and I'm actually understanding what we're doing in Math. And, just so you know -- I brought up my F in Math to a D. Yay. So then after that I headed out and saw Roxanne.. walked to Guitar.. And I was waiting for Kensey to walk to Choir so I could talk to her.. possibly.. and so she was walking by and she started talking to some other girl there, and then I was like "Hey Kensey" and she was like "Hola" and waved.. Then didn't say anything and talked to that girl more.. I felt .. kinda useless there.. But I know that Kensey probably still feels a bit akward around me.. so I was like.. "Okay.." and then Talked to Roxy more.. Then went to Guitar which we had Mrs. Sinor as a sub... Hahahaha.. So we went to her homeroom and watched a tape on "The Truth About Hate" and then something on Methanphedomies.. Hahahhaha.. There was a bum who was spazzing out.. Oh my god it was classic... ahhahah.. Anyways..

Then lunch came around.. And I met up with Angela and Loretta.. Hung out with them for a bit, then walked over to see Kensey, Brittany and Emily.. Kensey and Emily left -- and so I was left to talk to Brittany. Not that I don't like talking to her - just I kinda felt a bit ignored when Kensey left.. She usually loved talking to me.. But now it's completely different.. But we'll see how things go on Monday.

So I talked to Brittany, and it was cool. Got her email and stuff. She's such a cool person to hang out with. Then after that Loretta left.. Kensey came back.. SORTA talked to her.. Not really though but she kinda did seem lightened up. So then lunch ended and I went back with Angela and so then I went to Spanish.

Nothing really happened in Spanish.. Except that Alyssa and Joel are fucking retards.. They were like.. drawing penises on my paper all day.. And I was like.. "Fuck this.." and so I didn't do anything.. until Alyssa drew a penis on my neck.. Then I was pissed.. I got up and left the class and went to the bathroom to wash it off -- where I met up with Alex [don't know his last name] but it was kinda weird cause I was rinsing my neck and then Alex grabs a napkin thingy and was like "Here, lemme.." and then started drying my neck. It felt a bit.. like he was hitting on me. I went along with it though, and thanked him. Then he was like "Haha, who drew that?" and I was like, "Some bitch in Spanish.." and then he started to take a piss in the urinal.. Then I felt a bit weird cause..

1st. He was holding his OWN penis while talking to me.. and trying to hold onto a conversation.

2nd. Cause he had his head turned to talk to me.

3rd. Cause another person came in the bathroom while we were kinda talking while he was pissing. It felt awkward like .. an orange in a banna peal.

So.. I don't know if he knows I'm bi.. but.. Yeah.. That's all I have to say about that.

Then I went back to Spanish.. Nothing happened except I bit Alyssa two times and bit Cassandra once.

Then after school ended, Roxy came by and we got in the car and were about to leave at the stop sign, when I saw Brittany on the corner -- waiting for her mother. I yelled at her, "Hey, Brittany!!" and she was like, "What??" and was looking in EVERY direction EXCEPT where I was.. HAhahahaha. It was funny. But then she saw me and waved. It was cool.

So Roxy and I headed to Target -- where she got a Barbie for her mother [Mothers day..] and then walked to a fabric store where I clung onto her like .. well.. as if she were Jake and I wouldn't let go. Cause she wouldn't talk to me.. So as we're leaving the store, I was still on her and then some guy walked by and was like, "Bite him back!!" and I was like.. "...." Hahha.. Strange old man..

So after that we went to Dimples.. And I went in and as usual.. I checked out the Goldfrapp section.. And I picked up the first CD in the stack [but I couldn't see what I was grabbing cause it was behind some other CD.. and WHOOSH!! I picked up the "Black Cherry" Album which wasn't supposed to come out in the USA till May 15th.. I was like "O_O... WHAT?!?!" and I looked if there were any others and it was the only one there.. I was sooooo EXCITED!! Luckily.. I had brought my wallet which had 20$ in it and I was so thrilled that I had like the first copy in the USA!! WOOOOOHOOOOOOO!!! So I bought that CD with much glee and when we got in the car, I popped in the CD and now I got Roxy interested in them!! Weee! She wanted me to burn it for her and I just did. I know she's gonna love em. Anyways.. That little thing just fucking brought my day to an all new happiness. Hehe. I'm listening to it now, "Strict Machine." And the CD came with lyrics and a poster too!! YAAAAAAY!

So anyways..

I came home and then my rents bitched to me about how my grades are bad and how the computer time I spend is too much.. The computer has NOTHING to do with my grades. NOT ONE BIT. And they know that. They just threatened to take it away cause they know how much I love it. But they ended up loosing the battle. But I do have a D in Math which needs to become a C, and a D in Spanish which needs to become a C too.. So I have some work to do..

Then I came online and added Brittany. We talked for a bit, and so that was cool. And now I'm left with what's going on now. [sarcasm] Exciting day, huh? [/sarcasm]

Well.. I must say that I miss being with Kensey.. and I miss how she used to talk to me and feel towards me.. But I'm sure that she's just feeling a bit uncomfortable.. But I'm honestly not feeling as low as I did yesterday. Things should be fine by Monday. I hope they are.. Cause I don't want to end the friendship at all. I really do like her and if I can't have her as a girlfriend then having her as a friend is just pee-chee with me. And I must say that I'm not feeling bad today.. I was in the morning but now I'm feeling good. Probably just the high from buying the Goldfrapp CD, but hey, happiness is happiness.

And last night I found a few songs by Modest Mouse on some bass tabbing sites. I now know how to play, "Trailor Trash," "Out Of Gas" [my favorite one], and "Heart Cooks Brain" by Modest Mouse. It's soo cool. I was actually like feeling so great while playing those songs. It just released an energy within me.. I felt like I was at one with the music -- no matter how fucking corny that sounds. It was cool -- and I'm glad that I enjoy the bass again.

And now recently I'm begining to believe that Jake doens't like me anymore. I haven't talked to him in over 2 weeks and it's bothering me. He hasn't been online when I have and we haven't talked at school at all. I dont know what's going on.. but I wish that we could talk.. Just would really hurt if I did find out that he blocked me on MSN and that he was ignoring me.. But I just really wanna be friends with him still..

So yeah, I just listened to the "Black Cherry" CD completely through one time now. Heeeeheeee.. Awesome CD. I can't remember how I found Goldfrapp out.. Oh wait, Yeah I do!! I was looking at a list of Trip-Hop CD's on Amazon which were related to Portishead, and I saw the Goldfrapp CD, "Felt Mountain" and I d/led that CD and I loved it.. So then somehow I was researching them online and I heard about their new, up-and-coming album entitled "Black Cherry" and I immediately went on a continual search to try and find the songs.. And Eventually I did.. and I loved the new songs.. Probably more than their first CD. And so I burned it and had the CD burned for about a month so far.. And now I got it!! Woohoo.. I'm so glad that I know of so many bands right now.. I'm so wide-spread in the music genre. I love everything. And I'm proud to say that. Cause I hate people who only stick to one genre for long periods of time.. Like Heavy Metal.. Cause H.M. is good to listen to on occasions.. I only really listen to it when I'm energetic or pissed off.. But I hate people who spend like years of their life only listening to like.. Slipknot, Murderdolls, Mudvayne and Cannibal Corpse. It's fucking claustrophobic for me and I just have to spread my horizons .. And I'm constantly trying new bands out, listening to new artists.. I never have a favorite artist for longer than a couple days. And I like it like that. And I even know about bands that NO ONE knows about except for me. Cause I am REALLY enjoying all the music from over-seas.. Mostly the Trip-hop and electronic sounds but everything is great over-seas. Especially Great Britain, Germany and England.

Well, I'm kinda just wasting time.. talking about nothing. But I will be looking for more bass tabs.. I just can't wait till I get my own car.. So I can blast this CD [Black Cherry.. along with all my other ones] and just be like, "Yeah...What's up??" It'll be so tight. I'm excited.

But I feel as if the reason that Kensey broke up with me [sorry, I had to come back to this subject] was not because she didn't want to hurt me.. but cause she didn't like me as much as I had thought up as. I'm fine with that.. But after we broke up it ruined my confidence.. I don't feel appreciated anymore
I don't feel appealing anymore
I don't feel attractive anymore
I don't feel accepted anymore
I don't feel loved anymore

But I guess all the ugly ducklings get pretty sometime.. right?

Maybe just not me.

=->

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xxx