Mothers Day. Nice to have a Mother to love huh? How does it feel to be able to go up to your mom and hug her and tell her you love her? How does it feel to be able to talk to her whenever you wanted knowing she'd always be there for you?

Reason why I'm asking those questions is cause I don't know myself -- My mother passed away when I was 6. I find it disgusting how people MOSTLY [not everyone, but most of the people I know] take their Mother's love and support for granted. How would you like it if your Mother died in a car crash off of the highway when you were 6 years old?

Next time you see your Mother, tell her that you love her. It may be your last.

Okay, had to get that off my chest.. Moving on.

Today has been fucking crazy. I was shuffled to every grandma that I know and I had to spend at least 2 hours at each one's house. It was pretty (un)amusing. The only place that I kinda liked being was at my Grandma B's house---well more like apartment. It was nice talking to her again.

I'm trying to think of something that I wanted to talk about.. While I was in the car driving inbetween grandma's houses, I thought up of this really good theme to talk about in my diary. But I can't remember it right now. God damn it.

But whilst I was in the car, listening to the song "Slippage" by Goldfrapp.. I came up with a great video theme. It would be coming off of the idea that the movie 'The Cell' had, remember that movie? Well, if you saw it, remember where Jennifer Lopez was in that guys mind, and she saw all those women in those cages with strange things.. That's where I would have the video take place. It would be in an old fashioned house on the outside -- but a sick, psychos pervsion on the inside with women tied up, made up to look like dolls.. And I'd also have a certain part where it would be inside of the pshycos mind where the horse got cut up in peices [cause in the song -- it has a great screaming part in it.. more like a moan/scream but it's all good] and I think it would work really well with it. You should download the song and listen to it through. It's an instramental song with some moans here and there. It's a great song. I'm pretty sure its going to be the song I'm going to do for multimedia productions next year. I'm excited about that.

Sometimes I wonder what would it be like if I were to drop dead right now. Just die in this chair while typing in this diary. Would my father come in the room thinking I was asleep and try to wake me up -- only to realize that I passed away and would he actually read what I had typed in here.

Would he find out all the little secrets and little informational bits about my life that I try so hard to hide from him?
How would he react?
Would he accept me from beyond the grave?
How would my friends find out? Would they find out by trying to call me then being told by me parents that I had died?
Would they care?
Would they hold a service just for me at school? Would my friends talk to the school about me?
Would they be honest about who I was or would they sugar-coat the facts to make them seem special and/or get more attention?
How would people at school react? Would I be remembered? Would people finally realize who I was and what would they think?
Would Kensey regret breaking up with me? Would she blame it on herself?
Would my friends blame themselves for not being there enough?
Would my teachers blame themselves for not taking part in my life?
Would my parents blame themselves for not caring?
Would my friends tell others about my online diary so others could read about my life -- and would Jake happen to read it and realize how much I care for him?
Would I happen to gain more friends through death?
Am I even worth remembering?
Is what they say about Heaven and Hell true? Where would I go? What would happen?
Does it have to take my life in order for people to realize how precious life is itself?
Would people wonder what could've happend if I were to grow up and become something big?
Would I have touched anyones life to really make a difference already?
Would there be a boyfriend and/or girlfriend who was meant to become my husband or wife who wouldn't have a recipiant to their love?
Am I the rose to bring upon awareness?

No one really knows.

I think about that sometimes.. Like what would happen to everyone and everything I knew. But I wouldn't know those answers unless I did pass away.

I don't know what to type anymore. Today was a bitch. I wasn't home until 5:00PM and then I had to mow the lawn.. and yeah, I basically had no time for anything. And I still have to do part of my Spanish homework.

My rents are continually getting on my ass about my grades. They keep fucking telling me about how I should be studying and how I never do my homework. They don't fucking know shit. I do homework at school therefore I don't do it at home. And I really do need to get my grades up but with them bitching to me so much -- it isn't helping. I have a Spanish presentation on Monday along with a Test on Monday.. And I don't even know that much Spanish. Which explains why I have a D in Spanish. It sucks.. cause I don't want to learn Spanish.. and I DON'T want to take the class during summer school. So I have to pass my coming Math test and my coming Spanish test. I should probably study tonight for Spanish. That could help.

You know what song I just can't get enough of? "Train" by Goldfrapp. It's just so fucking addicting.. It has this fucking awesome rythem and beat.. I just.. UGH! I can't wait till I can blast this song in the car.. It'll be amazing and fun! Woohoo.

Emily and I talked a lot last night again. I can't remember specifically what we said and stuff, but we discussed sexuality stuff and Mothers Day things.. So yeah, she's going to be talking to Kensey and Jake sometimes soon. I'm looking forward to that. Oh, and at lunch on Monday I'm going to be pointing out hot guys to her. Haha. Sounds like fun. So yeah, I'm looking forward to that.

And you know what? Tomorrow I'm going to gel my hair.. I'm going to stop wearing my beanie.. It's a bad habbit I have. I remember last year I used to wear it during the summer and shit. It was madness.

You know, I think I'm going to reflect on things I can remember from my past. So if you're interested -- keep reading if not, You might as well not read anymore. So whatever..

Okay, I remember when I was about 8, And my Father was going out with Patty at the time and they were planning ot become really serious and things were great. Patty had a daughter named Heather and we were hella good friends. We were like butter and toast -- irresistable! Haha. Anyways.. I remember one day I was riding my bike around while Patty was in the house with my Father, and Patty owned a Van. A really nice tan one, and I was riding along and there was this tight space between her van's tires and the sidewalk.. So, me being a smartass, decided it would be fun to ride between i -- not realizing how wide my handle bars were. So I rode through it and while doing so -- fucking scrapped this 2 foot long scratch in the van door. I fucking freaked out and jumped off the bike.. and at the time.. I started crying [you know how when you're younger you cry a lot more easily] and I ran into my garage and locked the door. I was so freaked out that I ran into a corner cause I was afraid Patty would be enraged with me. I just sat there crying like a fucking mad man, and Patty came out and saw it and she came to the garage and tried to come in but realized it was locked. She told me she wasn't mad and that she wanted to just talk to me, and that it wasn't my fault. When she was talking to me I felt extremely relieved but hesitant.. I unlocked it and she ran in and gave me a great big hug. We started crying together.. I never realized why she was.. But we hugged for a while and I was glad she forgave me for that. I learned never to do that again.. Ever.

I also remember when I was biking with a few of my friends around the block, and one of them pushed me off my bike. I fell off of the bike and I was so fucking enraged with him. I grabbed a rock from the side of the street and chucked it at him -- not realizing it was a 3 lb rock and that I had threw it directly at his head. He fell off and wa almost unconscience. I saw him fall and got on my bike and rode home, I don't know what happend after that. Didn't really care at the time. I hope he was okay. But I did see him about a week later and you know how kids are when they're younger -- forgive and forget.

I also remember I knew this kid who lived across the street from me. He was so fucked up. I'm not even kidding. His mother was a skinny anorexic whore - his father was so fat that he had to litterally live in the garage cause he never could fit through the door. He could never go into the house -- period. And I remember I walked and looked into the garage seeing his father by the bench and on the walls were porno pictures. I was like "what the..." this was a kids father.. and he was married.. and yet they did nothing about that.. No sense of morality. Anyways.. The kid's name was Corey. He was such a bitch. He was younger than me and yet he alwasy seemed to fucking piss me off. I remember one time we had these softball bats or something, and we got into an argument, and the little fucker hit me with the bat. So I got pissed off and hit him even harder with the bat. He ended up running home crying and when I got home.. I got through the door and not more than 1 minute later -- he comes over with his whore mother and they demanded that I give an appaulogy. Apparently, Corey had told his mother that I had hit him first and that he said "Stop" and I had continued to hit him. I was so enraged.. I was about to get that bat and hit him again -- but luckily I couldn't find it. I didn't give him one and slammed the door in their faces.. His rents and mine never really did get together. They were litterally.. trailer trash. Lived in a dump and were like mudrats. I hated them. Luckily they moved and a nice little Chinese couple moved in. There were cool besides the fact that they were utterly boring.

I remember staying up with Heather one night when she spent the night, and very .. VERY oddly we believed we would get married and have children and name them all after one of the spice girls. I know that sounds SO fucking wrong in every aspect but at the time.. we both liked them. I mean, who the fuck didn't? They were fucking awesome.. And I don't think millions of albums bought themselves..

I also remember that Heather and I held a talent show -- were we mostly just danced to some songs that was on the only CD I had at the time.. Deana Carters, "Did I Shave My Legs For This?" Haha. So yeah, we were really excited about the 'talent' show and we had writted out invites and everything... [may I remind you, this was planned at like 7:00PM at night and planned out in a matter of minutes] and So we were about to go give out invites when my Father stopped us and told us that no one would come at night.. So we decided we'd just show our rents. Oh.. My.. God.. When we went -- I was so embarrassed.. You have no idea how THANKFUL that our neighbors weren't there. I would've been humiliated.

Wow, that reminds me. I did the talent show at my elementary school one year -- I did it with 2 girls -- Shanua and Jenna, and we did the macarana.. We did that dressed up and everything. That was embarrasing too. I even remember that right before we were about to perform that we were out on the steps and were all giddy about what to do.. and I also made an argument with the other two girls and I had stormed off the stage cause I was pissed at them. Luckily it was only a practice and things worked out for the big night. It was embarrassing but hey, whatever.

I also remember being on the monkey bars with this girl named Deana. She was chinese I believe and we were talking about stuff and she told me I was cute. And even at like 5 years old -- I denied that I was cute and we got into an argument about this.. I even made her cry somehow.. but I don't remember what I had said. Oh! And I also remember that this girl Alexis and I would play this game called "rox-a-boxin" and we would play with rocks.. (??) Don't ask. At the time it was fucking cool okay? So yeah, that was strange.. It lasted for like 10 minutes then we never did it again.

But all of those girls that I knew -- were not my friends. They just so happend to talk to me on certain days. We never did anything and we never really kept in touch. Although I talk to Jenna from time to time. She's persisted on keeping contact with me.. Considering we did something kinda explicit in a hot tub when we were like 8. I won't get into that .. but I am extremely disgusted at what we had done and how I even knew how.. You can ask me what we did -- most likely I'd tell you, just not on the net ;)

Okay.. enough of my acid trips and thinking about the past. My past was mostly all horrible experiences.. I was [sexually] abused when I was younger [and I won't go into that.. you can ask me about that if you would like to know] and I was beat up quite a number of times... Lots of things. Luckily I remembered a few happy times.

Well anyways.. Nothing really to talk about.. I haven't really had time to think about Kensey. I do wish I had a second chance with her but I'm not going to push for something that won't happen. And Jake still hasn't been online when I have -- but like I said before.. Emily will talk to them both for me and will tell me what happens. So I'm excited about that.

Tomorrow's going to be awkward I bet, but I'm going to try to have fun -- I'll show Emily those guys, try to talk to Kensey to keep up the contact, and I don't know what else will happen. We'll just have to see.

I'm gonna leave the diary entree with some lyrics. The lyrics to "A Different City" by Modest Mouse.. Great song to download!

"I want to live in the city with no friends or family
I'm gonna look out the window of my color TV
I will remember to remember to forget you
Forgot me, I'm gonna look out the window of my color TV
Through the cracks in the wall
Slow motion for all
Dripped out of the bar
So sports is nothing at all
I'm watching TV
I guess that's a solution
They gave me a receipt that said I didn't buy nothing
So rust is a fire
And our blood oxidizes
My eyes roll around all around on the carpet
Oh hit the deck
It's the decal man
standing upside down and talking out of his pants

Through the cracks in the wall
Slow motion for all
Left holding the ball and a part for your car"

--"A Different City" _ Modest Mouse

=->