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Teeth Like God's Shoeshine
05.14.03 //_ 7:23 PM

Just got back from "tanning" outside. I went outside and had my Modest Mouse CD playing and layed outside and tried to get a tan.. or what most-likely will be a sunburn. But in order for me to tan I'd have to sunburn. So I think I have one on my chest and it's not a big one. And it was kinda fun being out there.. Something about it made me feel really good cause I was doing something that I've wanted to do for a while.. It'll make me tanner [hopefully] which will ultimately make me feel better about myself.

Part of the reason why I'm more aware of this is cause during Spanish, I was observing Jake and he's really tan, and it really looks cute so therefore I would like to be a bit more tan too. Being extremely pale and white isn't attractive and it kinda sucks to be white. So I'm working on my skin tone.. and believe me -- I'm a bit more tanner than I was 2 years ago, but yet I'm still shockingly white. People come up to be and be like, "God, how can you stay so white?!" and "Lemme see your legs!" I don't mind it when they ask me cause why would I be upset? I've made myself look this way by avoiding the sun.. So.. In order for me to work on that I'm gonna spend more time out in the sun! Wee.. Sounds interesting.. So I guess in a way Jakes opened my eyes to myself which is a good thing.

And when I came from outside I took a shower and I came on the computer to see who IMed me and guess what? Jake IMed me on my new email. I'm so thankful that the new email is working for him and stuff. Now at least I can talk to him online and make up for the MONTH that I've spent not being able to talk to him.. Geesh. So I talked to him for just a little bit and then I went to dinner and I came back and he was gone. So yeah, now I'm here.

And my rents just bitched to me about my Math grade again. Seems they think that threatening me with my privledges is ALL they seem to know. They told me that the quiz that I'm taking on Friday has to be a passing grade or else I won't have the computer for the week following. I don't know about you, but that pisses me off. I know they're probably thinking that this will be good for me in the long run - but it only shows me that they don't want to reason and be like friends and try to work it out -- but rather FORCE me into unknown teritory and then threaten me if I fail. So I'm really going to study tonight -- cause to be honest last night I didn't study, and the night before that I didn't either. Just sat there and looked at the problems and singing whatever was playing on my stero. So I'm going to re-do my homework on another sheet and double check the problems and everything, then spend tomorrow really focusing and everything. I mean, I don't actually want to fail Math so I really should spend time on it. Just I don't like it when people threaten others and then get pissed if they fail.. it's not right.

And I guess now Ryans in our group in Health. He used the guilt trip on Mrs. Sinor saying, "All I want is to be in a group, but they won't accept me, and Jeff and Patricks group have 2 people.. But they don't want me in their group.." so knowing Mrs. Sinor -- she comes up to me [notice that she didn't come up to Patrick] and told me, "Hey, would you be able to squeeze Ryan into your group, he needs a group and no one else will bring him in.. Could you do that for him, just let him do a little something in there? He has some social problems.. and I'd greatly appreciate it if you would bring him into yours.." and what the fuck am I supposed to say in responce to that? "Fuck no.." I dont think so.. So I had to accept and bring him into the group.. and I cannot express the pure HATE that I have for this bastard. Lemme just tell you one thing:

THERE'S A BIG DIFFERENCE BETWEEN EMPATHY AND PITY

And what Ryan wants is Pity. It pisses me off, I hate people who are like that. That want attention like that and are constantly bringing up dramatic experiences in their life to cause others to feel sorry for him. I don't go around telling people "Well, when I was sexually abused, the guy wasn't as mean as you.." or something OFFENSIVE and UNEXCUSABLE as that. Meanwhile, Ryan's ALWAYS saying shit like, "When I was in the pshciatric ward.." and "I have this disease.." and shit.. It pisses me off to the extent of madness. And then Ryan has NO fucking sense of respect for others personal space and privacy. He's constantly going through my shit, reading what Patrick is writting down, Touching my backpack, and going threw everything and asking questions.. I hate those types of people.. I mean have some respect for others.. And I will be teling him this if he does it again tomorrow. I can't handle him. If I were to be his parent, I would've shot him when he was younger. Or would've abandoned him.. God he's so fucking annoying and just.. God hates him too. ::rolls eyes:: Like there is a God..

I'm talking to Jake right now. He's in Integrated Math 2. O_O and he has a B+ in it. God, that boys smart. What the... And I asked how much time he spends studying, and he said he doesn't study at all.. He also said that he has a C- in Spanish.. Yeah -- whatev, I would kill for a grade like that, I have D in Spanish!! Hehe, and he told me he might be getting a new bass this weekend. A 5-string jazz bass. I'm excited for him! Woohoo!! 5 strings are fucking bad-ass. I wanted one so bad after like a week after I had my 4 string.. but they cost so much. He said the one he's getting is gonna be around 600$.. O_O yowzahs.. So yeah, as you can see, I have bad grades and they all need to go up.

I just want to be able to suddenly be able to pass every test.. do all my homework.. and study and still have time to have fun for myself. Be able to talk on the phone -- play on the computer -- and just kinda lag around. I don't like wasting my time on that shit. But obviously wishes don't appear to come true very often. But I guess you get out what you put in.

You know whats strange? I always feel so much more enlightened and cooperative after I talk to Jake online. I feel as if I can do anyting and I'm more willing to do anything ya know? It's the love thing [Hey, thats a Spice Girls song, "Love Thing" ;D] I'm sure Angela knows what I mean.. cause once you're infactuated with someone and you actually have contact with them.. talk to them.. you feel as if something has been released within you and everything just turns to jelly. Problems just melt away.. It's a very positive thing, and I'm glad I made this new email and that I can now talk to Jake.. Good thing that the problem was fixed relatively soon so there was no communication torn. I just feel really happy now. Hehe.

I just shut down my website. For good this time. I feel so bad about it.. My website was so cool.. but I just can't keep up with it.. Too many obligations and with things as they are now -- I don't have the time nor the patience.

And I also found out I can't go to Senior Prom with Roxy... that enrages me... My rents are such fucking bastards.. they told me, "Your grades aren't worht it, you don't have the money and you don't deserve to go anyways.." .. ASSHOLES! I hate them so much. I can't believe it.. They fucked up the Junior prom for Roxy and I, and NOW this. I have to try and make it up to her soon, probably when school ends and then my rents wont have ANY reason to bitch to me anymore. But I do need to be studying so I don't have to take summer school or something later on.. I just feel really bad about the whole things cause it is my fault, but I don't see how my parents can be so empathy-less about the whole situation..

Well, I just found out that Isaac [the singer from Modest Mouse] is about to release a solo CD this month on the 21st! I didn't know that! So, I'm downloading a few tracks to see if its worth it.. His band is called, "Ugly Cassanova" and I don't know, but I expect it to be pretty good. We'll see how it turns out ;).

Well, I best be going. I'll update tomorrow -- that is going by the assumption that my rents won't threaten me again.

Today's lyrics are going to be from Modest Mouse:

"I was in heaven
I was in hell
Believe in neither
But fear them as well
This one's a doctor
This one's a lawyer
This one's a cash fiend
taking your money
Back of the metro
Ride on the greyhound
Drunk on the Amtrak
Please shut up
Another rider
He was a talker
Talking about TV
Please shut up
This one's a crazer
Daydreaming disaster
The origin of junk food
Rutting through garbage
Tasty but worthless
Dogs eat their own shit
We're doing the cockroach yeah
One year
Twenty years
Forty years
Fifty years
Down the road in your life
You'll look in the mirror
And say, "My parents are still alive."
You move your mouth
You shake your tongue
You vibrate my eardrums
You're saying words
But you know I ain't listening
You're walking down the street
Your face
Your lips
Your hips
Your eyes
They meet
You're not hungry though
Well late last winter
Down below the equator
They had a summer that would make you blister
Oh my mind is all made up
So I'll have to sleep in it"

--"Doin' The Cockroach" _ Modest Mouse

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