Stuck at home for today.

Nothing to do. The little condescent noises drift from one room to another until the variables are too miniscule to notice. Each sound wave infiltrates the other and the noise combust into nothing. Much like the saying 'building nothing out of something' and I don't mean 'building something out of nothing.'

I feel inexistant at the moment. Lack of enjoyment has burrowed a hole into my hideout and I can't seem to wake it up.

I can't describe what else I feel at the moment. I'm falling apart with thoughts of what to do for my birthday party cause I keep feeling anxious but yet nervious about the whole thing. The thought of having people at my house makes me a bit uncomfortable and embarrassed. I'm thinking now that I'll just have people come to my house and we'll all walk over to the lake and hang out there. I don't know how I'm going to handle everything cause usually when I'm hanging around the other group at lunch [Emily, Kensey, Brittany, Julie and when Jake was there] I was never the [so-called] 'leader' of the group, I wasn't leading the discussions and I was just kinda the side-dish of everything. And if they were to come to my bday party, I don't know if it'd be the same, but usually when you go to a bday party its the person who's having the party who is the leader of everything.. Like everyone looks up to them as to lead the group to do whatever. I dont know why I'm freaking out about this but I am. I'm planning on inviting the following people:

Angela
Jeff Q
Kami
Loretta
Andy
Trevor
Anthony
Roxy
Crystal
Ashley B.
Emily
Matt
Kensey
Brittany
Julie
and of course Jake

That's 16 people. And I don't want them to bring me presents. And I just asked Emily if she could go and she said she'd love to go, but she's unsure as to what she may be doing that day. She'll tell me by friday. And I'm sure that Angela, Jeff Q., Kami, Loretta, Andy and Ashley B. are going to make it. Just everyone else I gotta ask and stuff. And I have a feeling that Jake won't be able to go cause of what he does on a daily schedule. He's always busy.. but I'll ask him.

What I'm planning to do is have everyone come to my house, we'll all meet here, then we'll walk over to the lake and we'll hang out there. Go swimming.. bring some food and eat.. maybe I can bring a cd player over there and we can listen to music too. Oooo, and Emily said she'll bring a volleyball net and volleyball to play over at the beach. w00t w00t! OH! And thats perfect cause if Jake comes then he can play that cause he plays volleyball at school! That's awesome! I think it would be really fun [much thanks to Ashley B. for the idea of going to the Lake] and hopefully it'll be fun for everyone and everyone will have fun with each other -- instead of having a separated group. Now I'm begining to think this bday thing wont be that bad.. I'm actually getting excited about it. Only 8 days till my bday and before today I didn't even realize that -- nor did I care. But now I can't actually wait for it to come. I hope everyone can make it.

So I guess tomorrow I'll ask everyone if they can come to the bday thing. And then I also still have to do my Spanish homework tonight. Not too many big things. But what I also have to do is get a swimsuit for my bday party and I'm also going to start working out again. I took like a month break of working out.. how sad is that dear-diary? I mean, I started working out with the thought of sticking to it and gaining muscle.. only to do it for one week then ditchi it.. Haha. How sad, so I'm gonna start that up tomorrow cause I noticed that I was EXTREMELY thin today when I was wearing my pants and I looked in the mirror and I noticed that I don't fill out my pants. If you look at me, I don't even have an ass in the pants cause I'm so thin. My legs are extremely muscular as they are now, but they're not fat enough to fill out the pants. My chest is OKAY but I should be working on sculpting it more. So I'm gonna work out more and I'm NOT going to stop working out, I'm gonna work out everyday except for on the weekend. My goal is to look and feel better about myself by the end of June.

God, this song is really cool. "Techno Pimp" by Joi. It's rap but hey, its hella tight. Haha, nice beat and it cusses a lot. "I don't know what the fuck you talkin bout, You don't know what the fuck pimpin is? Ho, you need to motha fuckin find out. Yo motha fuckin asshole stay broke. You need to get some motha fuckin buisness. Shit, you do that ho ass shit we gonna stay feelin good, lookin good, smellin good, thinkin good, and you wont be motha fuckin feelin that unless you know real pimpin ho.." That was one of the verses right there. It's hella tight haha. Anyway..

I asked my father about the bday party and he's brought up the fact that Memorial day will be PACKED at the lake. I think that I'll have to move it to Sunday. And I'll probably have to do it early around 10AM to 12 then eat lunch and then come back here I think for cake and ice cream or something. I'm not sure as of yet. But I'll get the details as soon as I can! w00t w00t!

"I'm only sure that I'm not sure. I shudder to be honest, Who's behind it all now? Who's the author?" -- "Artificial Sweetner" _ No Doubt

Well, over the course of starting this diary entree I've spent 3 hours typing in here periodically. Heh.

I think I'm starting to feel a bit better about things now.. planning this bday thing out is keeping my mind preoccupied with thought which blocks out my lonesomeness. I'm hopeing to allah that Jake can come too. Oh, wouldn't that just make everything that much more fun? I think so!

...What the fuck... this entree is reminding me alot of the "It Happened To Nancy" book I'm reading.. It has like all those "I think so!" and "Wouldn't it be MAG if ___ came?! I think it'll be maggy MAG MAGNIF@!!" .. Ho Nancy.. Who's named Nancy anyways?? But I must admit that the book is really interesting and I like it. It's kind of sad though knowing its a true story, but wouldn't it be strange if the book was actually just written so that society could have more awarness of the disease and they made everything up? Just so they could reach the teens to make them believe that people understand them and whatnot? I would hope its a true story. If it is, it truely is shocking.

I still have to do my spanish homework.. And noooo... My dad wants me to take down my posters in my room and put them away so he can paint my room. What the.. I thought that we weren't going to be able to sell the house this summer.. I guess he's gonna try to get it ready this summer and try to sell it. I hope it doesn't sell cause if it does then we'll have to move out and rent somewhere, and most likely he'll find a place in grassvalley. That would suck cause I N.E.E.D. to stay here for sophomore year. I already discussed this numerous times.. let's just hope that things work out the way its supposed to be and we don't move this summer. ;D

I don't know what to type anymore, so I'm gonna go for now. I'll update later diary! W00T W00T! N00b's SUX0R! L@TR H0B@Gz!

=->