[.:remember the future:.]
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You Forget
05.20.03 //_ 7:33 PM

Well nothing really happened today, it feels like today's a Friday though.

I took down all the posters and everything on the walls in my room. It's so bare and naked without the posters decorating the atmosphere. I woke up and thought I was somewhere else. At one moment I was glad that I mightve been somewhere else in time, then I realized that things are still the same. Whatever.

Today was long-drawn and although I believe I'm doing a bit better with things in the classes, I just don't wanna do anything anymore.

Health was pointless; Math was easy but I was bored; Guitar was a bitch cause Katie, Patrick and Angela [she's such a fucking idiot] were all being jackasses simply cause Lauren brought in some brownies for her Biology class and she happened to give me more brownie than everyone else. So Lauren, Stephanie and Sabrina went to the other side of the guitar class and when I came by the other group, they were all being bitches saying, "Go away, you're annoying" and then Angela would be like "Don't you get it? Tak a hint" and I just wanted to punch her SO fucking hard in the face right then. She doens't fucking know how Patrick and Katie don't like her either so why the fuck would she be talking.. so I was enraged and I just went back to talk to everyone else.. Other shit happened but it doesn't matter. Katie still owes me 2 dollars.

Then Lunch was okay. Turns out that Loretta didn't flip off Kami but was flipping off Mirriam. Kami thought Loretta was doing that to her, but Loretta said she wasn't. And it has to be the honest truth cause Angela and I acted as if we didn't know anything about the whole thing, so she mustve actually meant to flip off Mirriam and not Kami. But I don't really care about the situation, its too long-drawn out and I grow weary of it all. Then we went over and sat with the other group and talked about muscle, tans.. whatnot. And I flexed for them all [which believe it or not, Brittany was surprised I was strong.. haha] and so yeah, that's all the embarrassing I'm gonna do for this year.

Then in Spanish it was kinda fun. All we did was play a game on the whiteboard where someone would say something in spanish and we had to draw it out and get points and whatnot. I believe Jake got the points both times he was up ther but lost once. It was cute when he would win cause he would be so happy, haha. And oh yes, the pelvic thrusts are something that he'd do too. Hahaha. Then when I went up there, they said sun tan lotion in spanish and the guy I was up against didn't know it either.. Then I turned towards Jake and he like wiggled his eyebrow and then I looked at the guy next to him and the guy was motioning that he was putting on lotion. So then I immediatly drew it and then we had to do a re-match cause Mr. Roberts saw it.. So then we did like snow clouds, and I lost but then when I walked back, the guy who was judging said he would've given the point to me if he would've seen what I'd drawn.. But I was in the way. What a ho. Anyways.. Then after that, I was up again later on and we had to do numbers of some Kings player. And they were like its a number between 15-25, and I turned to Jake and he was like "Just guess a number; who knows?! It might be right!!" So instinctively I put down, "22" and guess what?! I was right!! It was awesome, everyone was cheering, and I was like "yeah!!" and they were like "yeah!!" and we were like "yeah!!" haha. So it was all good. Then after that we were getting ready to watch a Michael Jordan movie and I was staring at Jake, and all the sudden he turned around, stared at me for about 3 seconds and when he did this, I was like lost in a daze. I didn't move or look away, I kept looking and then finally he moved away and I don't know, It was a weird moment. And after class I had planned to talk to him about if he had gotten his bass, but he was wearing his headphones.. Excuses I know.. It pisses me off that I can't talk to him, but I'm gonna try really hard to talk to him tomorrow [wow, how many times have I said that and actually fallen through with it?] .. So yeah.

Then when I got home, I had to go to the orthodontist and get my braces fixed and shit. They were actually kinda lively today, I was like having a convo with them about how my hair changed [cause I cut it and now it is its original redish brownish hair color besides the dyed black] and they said that I had more charactor with my black hair, but I look good either way. I think I look more mature with black hair.. But hey, whatever.. And they also showed me a pic of a guy with a mohawk that was one of their patients. He was hella cute. He was an ultra punk and had his mohawk dyed and used elmers glue to stiffen his hair. Haha. It was cute.

Then afterwards my dad wanted to listen to my CD in the car, so I was like, "whatever.." and then put in my Modest Mouse CD. It was good fun cause I was singing along and blah blah blah. Then I got home, mowed the lawn, ate dinner [which now I feel quiezy] and I asked Lauren to talk to Jake for me when he comes online. I asked her if she could talk to him about me to see what he thinks of me and stuff. I hope he comes online soon so she can talk to him and then I can find out. I'm wondering what he would say in honesty to someone else about me besides if I were to ask him. So yeah.. I'm bored and I'm listening to "Horse Tears" by Goldfrapp.

I gotta listen to the band, 'Death Cab For Cutie' cause Sabrina burned me that CD. I also have to do a news article for Health and I have to study for a Spanish test tomorrow.

You know what I think about sometimes? How if Jake and I were really good friends and we were doing something, and I were to tell him about my bisexuality how he would react and what he would say. Would he talk to me about it? Would be get freaked out and not talk to me again? What would happen at all? Sometimes I wish I could just walk up to him and hold his hand or something, something signifing some sort of intimate detail. I would be in Heaven if somehow someway Jake and I would be able to do something or date or whatever. Just.. I don't know how to explain it but this longing for something I can never have is damaging my confidence. I wish I could talk to him more online instead of having to resort to having others talk to him for me, or having to say I'll talk to him at school only to be scurried away from my own doubts, insecurities and shyness. But in some odd and strange way, it's exciting. I honestly don't see why I can't talk to him, to him we're friends and friends talk ya know? But I have it crammed in my head somewhere that I'm afraid to talk to him cause of the likeiness I have towards him. So I think what I'm gonna do is tomorrow when I see him walking to Health I'm gonna talk to him, unless he's talking to someone else cause I'll just feel plain awkward breaking up their conversation. And if I fail at doing that, I'll try to talk to him during Spanish, or after.. Or something.. I don't know, but my goal is to talk to him sometime tomorrow, I'll ask him what he'll be doing on Sunday too.

But I guess I've bored you enough with my little random rant of hopelessness and confusion as to what to do about Jake..

"What if I take a little more than you need, what if I say I believe in me. Adequate or qualified, oh to be all that I say I can be"

--"What If I" _ Mandalay

I'll update tomorrow I guess. God damn you diary, I asked for luck today with Jake, but what happened? Nothing! You aren't wishing me luck you dirty mexican bastard!! ... I'll forgive you if you actually wish me luck for tomorrow.. Okay? Okay!

Hahaha. I'm such a Negative Nancy...

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