[.:remember the future:.]
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Slutgarden
05.22.03 //_ 6:47 PM

Okay, wow I'm really enraged.

I had just typed out everything that I basically wanted to say in this entree.. I had spent 3 hours typing out everything and it was a good entree, had a lot of things written in it and it was actually talking about thigns.. and guess what? I click on a link and it opens it up on the page with my entree on it and then just erases everything. So I'm enraged about that.. I'm realy pissed off too.. So fuck doing a great entree, and what sucks ass is that I'll probably have to get off in like fucking 10 minutes.

So moving along with my fucking entree..

I didn't talk to Jake today. I wanted to. I know that I always say that I'll talk to him, but in the end I don't cause I'm a fucking idiot. If I were you reading this I wouldn't trust my word anymore cause of all the times I've said that I'd talk to him and falled short with my own expectations. But I did tell Lauren that I'm bi and she's cool with it. It's a great thing though cause we're both obsessed over Jake. And I had asked her to talk to him for me, and turns out that Jake had sent ME an email back but I checked both of my accounts and I got nothing. That pisses me off! He got my email but I didn't get his, and I don't know what he said in it.. What if he said a lot of things in there? What if he had an explanation for the email thing? Well whatever he said didn't get to me and I'm really pissed off about that. So I'm gonna HAVE to talk to him tomorrow about Sunday, cause there really isn't any other way. And Lauren had asked him if he knew me, and he said "Yeah, we're not close friends, but we're friends" and that made me smile. It was a cool thing to see coming from him ya know.

Lauren and I comprized of an idea of something to do when we're nervious so we can do it and then not be nervious before talking to Jake. Haha, what we planned out is that whenever we're nervious and about to talk to Jake or something, we're gonna sing the chorus to "Mmbop" by hanson [hahahahha] and that should make us not so nervious.. Hahaha. I thought that was fucking hilarious. So Lauren and I are gonna try to talk to him tomorrow during that lunch/break thing we're gonna have tomorrow. I'll have to ask him about the email and Sunday.. and yeah. That's gonna seem awkward, I think I'll just go up to him when he's walking to Health and talk to him then, cause I'm using with my friends just talking and so I can just branch off from them and talk to Jake really quickly. It would be 'mag'.

God damn this shit.. I have to like think about what I had typed and type it fucking all over again.. UGH It always fucking happens on the entrees that seem like they're the best ones..

Lunch is begining to get really boring now. I don't mean any offense or anything to Angela or Loretta cause I think its just cause I liked it better when Jeff Q and Kami were there and we would all talk about anything and everything that poppped in our minds and it was so fun. But now I don't feel like I wanna be there anymore. The other group with Brittany, Emily, Kensey [etc..] is a lot better cause I feed off everyone energy, and they have tons of that going around, but when I'm with Angela and Loretta, they don't do much. They just sit there, so when anyone is like that and I'm around them, I tend to do the same thing. Thats why it seems like I have more fun with the other group, but the truth is I'd act the same way if only Angela and Loretta and everyone else was acting like that too. And today was just dull. It was boring and I didn't enjoy it. I seriously hope [hell, I know] that at my bday party it'll be so much fun. That's one thing I'm living for as of the moment.

God damn.. Now I'm remembering everything.. UGH..

Okay, in Health, I'm getting a little aggitated with what mrs.Sinor is doing, cause she's talking about SEX specifically and not SEXUALITY, and that kinda pisses me off. Cause I would've like to have known some statistics or some advice on that sorta stuff. Like how you get STD's from anal sex, things along those matters. I'm not saying that I'm sexually active but that in the future I would like to know.

And I'm actually pretty proud that so many of my friends know about my bisexuality, cause they don't know it but just for me to know that I have people I can turn to for help and advice lifts a lot of stress off of my shoulders, but of course there are still tons amounts of that stress still on me. But at least I can unpack a few here and there from time to time. I wish I wasn't bisexual.. but then again, I don't know how it is to think 'straight' so I don't know how I would feel about things.. Cause all I know now is how much I like Jake and guys in general.. To me, thinking 'straight' is strange and foreign to me. Just wish I didn't have the baggage that I do.

Um.. what else did I talk about.

I'm looking forward to my bday party, it should be really fun. Oh, and the following people are going to be attending unless marked:

Angela
Ashley B [Even though I don't want her coming anymore
Jeff Q
Kami and her friend Ashley
Roxy
Crystal (?)
Emily
Matt
Jake (?) [I'll be asking him about that tomorrow]
Lauren
Trevor
Anthony (?)
Brittany (?)

And I think thats about it. God damn it, I have to be getting off now.. See?! Fucking hell, this fucking blows cause I had typed out like fucking.. 11 pages of information and shit and now I can't even get half of it typed out again. So fuck all the othe shit, I'm gonna quickly state how I'm doing now.

I really want to talk to Jake [more than anything] at the moment. I'm so pissed off at MSN For being such a fucking ASSHOLE to me with the whole "blocking-Jakes-status-and-his-email" shit. It's fucking pissing me off and now I'm gonna have to talk to him at school, which isn't bad but it leaves me in an awkward position.

I also got some photos developed of Jake the other day, and there's this one photo of Jake -- and it's SOOOOO FUCKING ADORABLE!! He's doing this pose and somehow the sun made the photo kind of glowing and stuff, and it was perfect. The picture came out great and it's soooo cute. I'm so fucking glad that I have that picture, I actually ahve two pictures of him, and it's all good ;D.

I also went to this band/choir thingy last night, and it was really good. I went with Katie from guitar and it was hecka funny with her there. I enjoyed every second of it. I saw Kensey there and as she walked by I pinched her but. Haha. It was cool. I also saw Jake perform his tuba too. He's so cute playing his instrament. Sucks that all these bitches were in my view and were blocking him from me seeing him clearly.. But at least I saw him and heard him. I'm happy that they did such a great job performing. That's a good conversation starter with him tomorrow.. hm..

Okay, so fuck all my insecurities and shit, I'm GOING to talk to Jake tomorrow before Health. I know it may be awkward but I must. Hopefully there wont be anyone walking with him, cause if there will be, prepare to be inturrupted..

Okay, since tomorrow is going to be Friday, I PROMISE I'll type a hella long entree about everything that goes on tomorrow [since I can be on the computer as long as I want on the weekends] so I SWEAR TO.. ::thinks about something he loves dearly:: JAKE THAT I'LL TALK TO JAKE TOMORROW, OR ELSE .. UM.. WAIT THAT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE.. WHY AM I STILL TYPING IN CAPS? .. OKAY ERASE ALL THAT.. BEGIN HERE: BUT I SWEAR TO MUSIC IN GENERAL THAT I'LL TALK TO JAKE TOMORROW OR ANYONE CAN TAKE EVERY CD I OWN AND THROW THEM AWAY! .. hows that for a deal?

..take that betty croker..

Anyway, but I will talk to him, and I'll type up EVERYTHING tomorrow with details and.. everything. I'm sorry again to everyone about how fucking SHITTY this entree was, but blame MSN Plus! link for screwing shit up. ::hears everyone say, "Thanks MSN Plus!:: ... Not seriously you idiots! Psh.. Whatever. Okay, so I'm gonna have to go now, cause my dad's a ho, so I'm gonna go in my room, look over my Jake pictures a bit and try to invision me talking to him tomorrow.. maybe that will take away my nerviousness. Heh..

and I had the greatest name for the long entree too, but I think I'll save that title for tomorrow.. that is if I remember it. So I'll just use another one. Heh.. yeah.. Okay.. I'm gonna go now, prepare for a long entree tomorrow.

"This isn't music, and we're not a band. We're five middle fingers on a mother-fucking hand."
--'Vodevil' _ Marilyn Manson

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