Well today was fun, Angela and I went to Ambers [her sisters] bday party at Roller King.

I swear, we must have skated around in that circle thingy 500 times. It was insane, and most of the time, Amber and her minions were trying to grab us or something. Then we tried to request a Chevelle song and they didn't have it.. And I knew that if they couldn't play Chevelle they couldn't play Korn.. Or anything remotely heavy.. So yeah, we had fun. Nothing too big happened at Roller King though.

After that, I went to Angelas to hang out for a while. We went over to Taco Bell where Crystal works and she spotted me and I didn't even know she worked there! It was pretty cool. Then Angela and I went to our designated spot and talked. Like we always do. Whenever we're there we always have big discussions.. it's like a healthy place to go and talk about things. It gets a lot off my chest and mind when I talk to her there. It's a great thing to do, cause I think it gets a lot of things accomplished and we spend like every second discussing things. And before we went there, Angela gave me my bday present ahead of time which was the Marilyn Manson CD and a Homer Simpson sticker! Hahahaha. I was so excited I was like shaking, ask Angela! And the CD came with a DVD too... I'm gonna watch that now. Anyway, Thanks a lot Angela -- I love the CD and the sticker .. the sticker will go on my future car. ;D

Anyways, We must have talked there for about an hour and a half or more, so then we left to go to her house and talk more, then we found out that it was 6:00 when we got back. So I had to call my rents and ask if I could stay longer, but they just said that I had 20 minutes before my father picked me up. So we went outside and continued to have a good discussion on things. Mostly about sexuality in general and our thoughts on it.

Then my father picked me up and we went to the store to pick up some things for my bday party tomorrow.

I then came home and called everyone up who's coming tomorrow to check up on them and everything. Tomorrow should be a really fun day, I'm looking forward to it.

And I just watched the DVD that came with Marilyn Mansons "The Golden Age Of Grotesque" called, "Doppelherz" and OH MY GOD! It's fucking awesome. I love it. Marilyn Manson filmed everyting and it has commentary throughout the whole thing. It's hard to explain.. it's shocking and EXTREMELY thought-provoking. Brian Warner [which is MM real name] is extremely intellegent and creative. I love that man. He's amazing. I won't give much away about the DVD, but it incorperates two twins sown together; a mother showing her daughter how to inject herself and a man falling apart [detrimentally]. You'll have to buy it or something to see it, everyone who's coming over tomorrow is gonna see it, I'll show them.

And so I'm feeling a bit too excited about tomorrow, I don't think I'll get much sleep tonight. I'll probably get my CD player out and listen to the Marilyn Manson CD on repeat.. Hopefully I'll get some shut eye.

I wish I could have someone from our school that was gay or bi that I could talk to [besides Twiggy and Tyler cause I don't know them; nor would I really want to] so I could at least feel like I have someone out there who knows what I'm going through. Instead of having all these insecure people who are gay or bi but they just cover it up cause they were once as frightened to come out as I once was. But I came out and told all my friends, and it's made a lot of things easier -- and in MANY cases brought us closer together. I would like to have a gay guy friend to talk to about these sort of feelings. Just knowing that they can say like, "yeah, I know what you mean." and "I felt that way too" would make a great difference.

I have this itch on my back. I can't seem to scratch it just right, I've been able to reach everywhere around it, but the itch seems to grow more and more intense with time. Only a matter of time before something sparks and I grab the nearest thing to scratch that itch... You should abandon rehersing alcoholism and perform narcotics.

Okay, I'm so fucking enraged right now. I'll tell you fucking why.

Okay, so theres this Lauren Razano girl that I know. And she knows that I'm bi, and she knows that I like Jake. And so everytime I talk to her, it always seems as if she throws the fact that she can have him and I can't in my face. Repeatedly.. And it enrages me.. I don't like her shoving me into the dirt and making me feel so low -- that's why I get so enraged with her, cause she acts as if everything is just so perfect and easy and for me -- its not. I have problems simply talking to him! And she goes to movies and flirts with him! It just really gets to me.. I'm going to now paste part of the convo so you can see what happened just about 5 minutes ago. It may be kind of long, but try to bare with me on this one:

If you're currently in this conversation, you will soon be infused with idiocracy.. ;D

Laugh just a Little Too Loud says:

guess who i just went to the movies with?

our commercials should be FASTER cause we are all slow guns WAITING to have our triggers pulled says:

who

our commercials should be FASTER cause we are all slow guns WAITING to have our triggers pulled says:

john?

Laugh just a Little Too Loud says:

jake

our commercials should be FASTER cause we are all slow guns WAITING to have our triggers pulled says:

oh cool

Laugh just a Little Too Loud says:

hes so cute

our commercials should be FASTER cause we are all slow guns WAITING to have our triggers pulled says:

yeah

our commercials should be FASTER cause we are all slow guns WAITING to have our triggers pulled says:

what happened

Laugh just a Little Too Loud says:

nothing really

our commercials should be FASTER cause we are all slow guns WAITING to have our triggers pulled says:

oh i see

Laugh just a Little Too Loud says:

we saw Bruce Almighty

our commercials should be FASTER cause we are all slow guns WAITING to have our triggers pulled says:

thats cool

Laugh just a Little Too Loud says:

hes a cute guy

our commercials should be FASTER cause we are all slow guns WAITING to have our triggers pulled says:

you know that ilike him right/

Laugh just a Little Too Loud says:

............

Laugh just a Little Too Loud says:

maybe......

our commercials should be FASTER cause we are all slow guns WAITING to have our triggers pulled says:

yeah well everytime you talk about him to me, you shove me that much further into the dirt and it seriously is affecting me

Laugh just a Little Too Loud says:

im sorry

Laugh just a Little Too Loud says:

im soooo sorry

Laugh just a Little Too Loud says:

but u know....

Laugh just a Little Too Loud says:

i kinda like him to right?

our commercials should be FASTER cause we are all slow guns WAITING to have our triggers pulled says:

yes i know

our commercials should be FASTER cause we are all slow guns WAITING to have our triggers pulled says:

but thats why it pisses me off.. the fact that you can actually have the chance to go out with him or whatnot

our commercials should be FASTER cause we are all slow guns WAITING to have our triggers pulled says:

and everytime you talk to me about him.. it comes off in such a way like you're thowing it in my face; flaunting the fact that you can have him and i cant

Laugh just a Little Too Loud says:

im not trying to

our commercials should be FASTER cause we are all slow guns WAITING to have our triggers pulled says:

you may not be, but it comes off like that

our commercials should be FASTER cause we are all slow guns WAITING to have our triggers pulled says:

you probably mean nothing by it either, just letting me know.. but im just telling you what i take from it

Laugh just a Little Too Loud says:

never ment to hurt ur feelings but u need to know that he reallly likes girls and u shouldnt waste ur feelings who isnt guna return them

our commercials should be FASTER cause we are all slow guns WAITING to have our triggers pulled says:

i can't just dictate how and what i feel for people. its irreplaceable and no matter what he feels towards me, im trying my hardest to just be his friend and that in itself is a barrier in which im at odds with completing

our commercials should be FASTER cause we are all slow guns WAITING to have our triggers pulled says:

and i just get so.. aggitated in how things are so simple for you.

our commercials should be FASTER cause we are all slow guns WAITING to have our triggers pulled says:

i can barely even talk to him due to my own insecurites

Laugh just a Little Too Loud says:

hopefully with time things well get easier once u find some1 knew to crush on

our commercials should be FASTER cause we are all slow guns WAITING to have our triggers pulled says:

what makes you think i want someone new to crush on

our commercials should be FASTER cause we are all slow guns WAITING to have our triggers pulled says:

why not jake?

Laugh just a Little Too Loud says:

cuz this is dead end

our commercials should be FASTER cause we are all slow guns WAITING to have our triggers pulled says:

how

Laugh just a Little Too Loud says:

he likes girls

our commercials should be FASTER cause we are all slow guns WAITING to have our triggers pulled says:

i like girls too

Laugh just a Little Too Loud says:

well most girls dont like guys that will do stuff with another guy too

our commercials should be FASTER cause we are all slow guns WAITING to have our triggers pulled says:

whats that supposed to mean

Laugh just a Little Too Loud says:

it means one day ull have to decide if ur gay or strait cuz strait ppl wanna be with strait ppl and not mix the two...at least right now thats true

our commercials should be FASTER cause we are all slow guns WAITING to have our triggers pulled says:

but i want to be with guys and girls. im attracted to BOTH genders

our commercials should be FASTER cause we are all slow guns WAITING to have our triggers pulled says:

i cannot say im gay, cause gay is when you like your gender only, and straight means you like the opposite gender only, im in the middle

Laugh just a Little Too Loud says:

whatever floats ur boat

Laugh just a Little Too Loud says:

but u cant get pissy when im talking about my friends just like id talk about other friends

our commercials should be FASTER cause we are all slow guns WAITING to have our triggers pulled says:

oh, but i do

Laugh just a Little Too Loud says:

well i hope u work it out

our commercials should be FASTER because we are all slow guns WAITING to have our triggers pulled says:

i dont need to work anything out

Laugh just a Little Too Loud says:

im tired im going to bed

our commercials should be FASTER because we are all slow guns WAITING to have our triggers pulled says:

okay

our commercials should be FASTER because we are all slow guns WAITING to have our triggers pulled says:

see ya then

-----

Wow, that really offset me. I don't think Lauren understands where I'M coming from. She tended to twist things around and come back at me with something completely different than what I was talking about.. I don't know about her.. But whats weird is having that convo with Lauren has made me more.. I guess you can say, "will-powered" to want to talk to Jake more and show to her that I can do things with him too. Matter of fact, I'm gonna try to talk to Jake on tuesday and I'm gonna try to set up something so that Emily and everyone [as a group] can do something with Jake, I would go for something with just him and I, but thats a pretty big ass leap for me to take. But I'm gonna do that.. I swear.. Just so I can get back at Lauren.. I just can't believe she would say that shit to me..

Well, I'm gonna go now, I need to get to bed by 12:30 at least and then I gotta wake up and get ready for tomorrow. Wish me a great day diary.. and hope to allah that Lauren asks Jake out only to be rejected by him.. or better yet -- used by him. :@

=->