Today was my bday party. It was fucking great.

I woke up at 7:00.. I was having a dream about Guitar class and a reoccuring thoughts about the dream I had before when someone was trying to break into my house. It was like a modern-day horror story. The guy creeps around the front of my house, then I go to lock the door and somehow he came in through the back and chases me, I hide behind something and then call the cops, run outside and end up having my throat slit before he gets shot in the head by the cops. Strange dream.. but yeah.

I got up, got some clothes on and I started to space out then.. I didnt want to do anything really.. I just kinda sat around. Then I finally got ready and stuff. People started calling around 9:30 to make sure of the plans which is normal. People started coming at 10:00, Ashley was the first person, then Angela, then Jeff Q, then Trevor then Roxy. Everyone was having a great time. I got an electric mug thingy thats like one of those electro-thingys. It's cool, I also got an "A Man Apart" t-shirt and sunglasses, and Trevor has ordered me a pickguard for my bass.

So we hung out at my house for a while, then when everyone was here, I showed them the marilyn manson DVD, "Doppelherz" which in my opinion, is an extremely well put-together amature video. Brian Warner is a very intellegent man, people just confuse him for some attention-seeker when in reality he's just doing what he wants. I got pretty mad when Trevor was labeling him a "freak" and that all he was doing was "brainwashing" him and how he said, "wow, now I have the sudden urge to want to take over the world, kill everyone, then kill myself.." that was such a sterotypical saying right there.. that pissed me off. So after that, we hung out in my room for a while, we talked a bit, everyone was chillin.. Then we decided to head on over to the lake. We got all the crap that everyone brought and what I had and popped them into Roxy's car, and we all hid in the back of Roxy's car and drove on over there. Which was illegal.. but hey, whatever..

We went into the lake, and everyone just chilled out and talked. We just had basically a tail-gaiting party and hung out. We had Roxy playing her music and stuff out of her car [which eventually had to be shut down cause of the security or whatever..] and Ashley B was talking to these older guys [who were most likely fuck-ups] and so yeah, we were hanging out there and I talked to Kami and she said she couldn't go. So we just started waiting around for Emily and Matt. So after like 2 hours of talking and messing around [nothing big] and then after about 2 hours, Emily comes walking down to us and so she came by and we hung out for a bit longer, then we decided to head over to the lake itself, and everyone had their swimsuits except Roxy, Angela and I. So we went to the lake, and Trevor and Jeff Q went out swimming. It was cool, then Emily and I ran off with Jeff Q's and Trevors things, we didn't get far.. Nothing happened it was kinda dumb. Then we decided it would be cool if we went to Angela's house to go swimming in her heated pool. So we must of spent like 20 minutes discussing what to do, then we decided that Trevor, Emily, Angela and Jeff Q would go walking on the levey and through Cavitt to Angela's house and then call us when they get home. So then that left Roxy, Ashley B and I to go back to my house and get their things and wait for their phone call.

So they left to get started on walking, and Ashley, Roxy and I went to the car and went home. It was cool, we went home, listened to the Marilyn Manson CD [I believe Roxy likes it ;D cause she asked if we could listen to it] and talked a lot, then ate some chicken that Ashley made the night before. It was cool, and my rents weren't home either.. So we stuck around, I even cleaned out my bed opening thingy, and took out all the beer cans I had hidden in there, I even told them about personal things, I felt like being personal and informational.. about my alcoholism and masturbation.. Haha I don't think they wanted to know those things but whatever.

Then we left to go to Angela's after they called. This time I brought my swimsuit and we got to her house and everyone was already swimming. So I took off my shirt(s) [which was a first] and jumped in, which when I first jumped in, my swimsuit like came down to my knees due to the force of the water, luckily no one saw ;D.

Then we swam for a while. Talked a lot, then we talked a lot afterwards. Had some fun, then we went out to the front and had like a gummy bear olypics or whatnot, then Trevor started throwing them at people, and I mean really hard, it hurt like a bitch. And Trevor hit Angela in the ear, and I could tell that it hurt her. Those mother fucking bears can hurt. Don't trust their gooy-centeralism. Then a while afterwards, Emily left. Then we hung out for a bit more, then Trevor left.. [I'm skipping a lot of shit, but I'm just too tired at the moment to go into great detail] and then Roxy, Ashley, Angela and I hung out and talked a while, but boy [Angela's brother, Justin] was being such a bitch. He was like trying to be all tough and shit. It kinda annoyed us but hey, whatever. Then after like an hour or so, Roxy, Ashley and I left to go to my house then to the Sunrise Mall. So we got to my house, I got my shit changed and stuff, then we headed to the Sunrise Mall, and this time I brought my recorder dealy and I recorded a lot of stuff with them. It was a good drive over there, we were blasting music and bobbin our heads. Haha. And we were TRYING to spot some hot guys, but we saw NONE. It was fucking pointless, cause we only saw like 1 dude, and he wasn't even that great. It sucked [the guy-hunt that is] then we got the Sunrise mall, and they were closed, what bastards... So then we headed over to Dimples where I searched through EVERYTHING they had, and I ended up buying the Linkin Park, "Meteora" CD with Goldfrapps single, "Train" CD. I wish that I had gotten the Deftones album instead of LP now though. But we hung out there for a while, and just looked at shit..

Then we left [and I just skipped a bunch of details, but no one cares] and we got back to my house, we took little listens to everyones thing that they bought and I think I like Alkaline Trio now. They're pretty good. So we got home, and Ashely and Roxy seemed to hit it off pretty well.. They formed this inside joke about "the 9 percentile" .. I have no clue what they were refuring to, but it pisssed me off. Cause I hate it when people dont let me in on things, and I hate it even more when the inside joke is about me. So we had cake and ice cream.. And I got a little pissed off and just kinda went to my room. They soon followed and Roxy petted my head and then Ashley gave me a hug.. Yeah.. So that didn't phase me, then I went on the computer to check on things, and they were messing around. And I was a bit annoyed.. Cause they still wouldn't tell me.. So yeah they said that I just wanted them to leave, and at the time I did, and so they were like, "okay, then we'll just go.." and they walked out, then they came back and gave me a hug and said bye again, then left. I dont know what they did afterwards. Then I just stayed online and I'm listening to the LP CD now.

I just feel kinda dull right now. Nothing exciting anymore, it's cause all the excitment was all earlier and now whatever I do -- I guess I compare it to that great excitment that was and it doesn't amount to it anymore -- which leaves me feeling dull and misplaced. Maybe music is loosing its grip on me? No! .. It can't be! I love music.. Music is my life. Without music -- I'd be dead.. I can't live without music.. But I guess my feelings and emotions just overule the pleasures I feel.

I've been thinking about Jake too. I mean, how can I even forget about him? I think about him like all the time. Well, I don't wanna say all the time, cause I'm not obsessed about him and I don't think about him every fucking second of the day. But I will admit to thinking about him about.. 65% of the day I'd say. And now I want more than ever to talk to him online. I want to tell him about today, I want to tell him what he missed out on, I want to make him feel like he owes me or something and that we should do something so he can make up for it. I would like him to wish me a happy bday. I want him to just talk to me. I guess the only options I have is just talk to him at school or just make another email, which I don't think I should do since I already did and if I do, he'd probably be a bit like "why are you doing all this just to talk to me.." but I really do want to talk to him, and it seems I talked to him the most online. I hardly talk to him at school in person. It's hard for me, but it's getting a lot better. I just don't know what to say anymore ya know? I can't think of a great thing to just start a convo with him.. And I would freak out so much if there was an awkward silence.. I don't know whatd I'd do in reaction to it. ::sigh:: What do you think I should do diary? Should I make a new email so I can just go on there to talk to him? What if it just blocks him again? .. I don't know. I guess it's worth a shot huh? I guess so.. I'll do it first time tomorrow, or wait, I should add him tonight so then he can add me before I come online tomorrow.

Okay, just made my new email, I don't know what I'll do for it, I think I'll just use it to see if Jakes online. I don't know I'll find out that he is though, I think I'll go on there every once in a while to see if he is. He isn't online at the moment though. And I think that Angela's a bit mad that I have so many emails now. Wow, I must have about 11 emails under my belt now.

So we'll see what happens with that.

But today was a big day, it was really fun and I enjoyed every second of it. Today was like a rarity, I had all my close friends there and it was all for an occasion for me. Which made things that much better. And I was pretty glad that everyone was getting along [most of the time, taking away all the little misshaps and shit] and so that was great.

I think what I could use the most at the moment is a nice long sleep. And not one of those sleezy naps that you take at a motel when you just got done taking a shit, but like a deep sleep that you take after spending a day at the beach with friends and stuff. But I have like, 3 CD's I have to listen to [cause I believe that when I get a new CD, I have to spend a good amount of time listening to it to fully APPRECIATE the quality and authenticity of the album before moving onto something else.. that's one reason why I dislike buying a lot of CD's at once] and I guess thats about it. But I think tonight I'm just gonna go to bed, I usually listen to my music while I sleep, but I'm a bit too tired to do that. I'm starting to feel a bit light headed as we speak. And so I feel just kind of .. here as of now.

Well, I'm going to be going now. The following lyrics are from the LP CD, I think I like this song the most cause I can relate to the lyrics a lot. It kinda resembles a lot from my past, people who know me well should know why.

---

It�s easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It�s so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone

Something has been taken from deep inside of me
The secret I�ve kept locked away no one can ever see
Wounds so deep they never show they never go away
Like moving pictures in my head for years and years they�ve played

(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(If I could take all the shame to the grave I would)
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(I would take all my shame to the grave)

It�s easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It�s so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone

Sometimes I remember the darkness of my past
Bringing back these memories I wish I didn�t have
Sometimes I think of letting go and never looking back
And never moving forward so there�d never be a past

(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(If I could take all the shame to the grave I would)
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)

I would take all my shame to the grave)

Just washing it aside
All of the helplessness inside
Pretending I don�t feel misplaced
It�s so much simpler to change

It�s easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It�s so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone

--"Easier To Run" _ Linkin Park