There was supposed to be an update for tomorrow, but my rents have become incoherent bitches and decided to shut down my computer whilst having my entree already typed out and ready to update.. And I absolutely hate repeating myself. So I decided that I'd just put it off for today to update. And so I shall.

Today is my actual birthday. I got a lot of "Happy Birthday!"'s and I even got a poster from Anthony. I took a look at it and it's pretty awesome. It's like a glittery poster of Korn as robots and stuff. I remember I saw that same image on a shirt I wanted, but I never got. It's an awesome poster.

And Sunday night was when I had the cake and blew out the candles. While I was sitting there staring at the candles whilst everyone was singing that cursed "Happy Birthday To You" song.. I thought to myself of what I would wish for. Most people these days would wish for a CD.. or a new car.. or a better job.. Anything materialistic it seems. But as I was sitting there, I made the wish of having someone that I could have for myself. Somone who understands; someone who knows; someone who cares.. Point blank: A boyfriend. But not necissarily Jake as a boyfriend. [I'll get into that a bit later]. But I think back out of all my wishes, and I do not recall ONE wish that was materialistic.. I remember wishing on many birthday candles for a Mother, or the one I had back. I also remember wishing once for a girlfriend. But now I just want someone there for me. Most prominetly a boyfriend. But then again, the whole basis of wishes is to give someone .. anyone a false gleam of hope for something unreal. Mostly hopes towards something that they can never have. And with my wish -- I know it will never come true. At least not for many.. many years. I can deal with that -- have been for the longest time. But I believe I'm mature enough for a boyfriend. I mean, don't you diary? You've been here for me ever since I got you, and you should know me like I know myself. I think I'm mature enough to have a boyfriend. I know for a fact I wouldn't take it for granted. I wouldn't engulf him with too much caring. I wouldn't take things so seriously either. If only I had a chance.

And I knew at the time that I was about to blow out my candles, that on that very day, hundreds of other people made a wish with the false-reality that someday.. somehow it will come true. But just like everything else.. the wish vanquished into the air with every wish and hope there ever was.. Only to transpond into the meer thought it was originally created in. In some way I hate making wishes, cause in some way you give a part of yourself away with that wish. You take part of your deepest desire at the moment and make a bubble of hope.. coated with your dreams and eventually that bubble just gets popped along with your asasperations. It's not worth it anymore. But in a way wishing is good, because like I've said; False-realities make you feel good.. in some eery way that is.

And now moving onto my feelings about Jake.

Today I noticed that when I took at look at Jake.. I no longer felt that .. intense longing to talk to him and be with him. Sure, I still feel that way, but it's not a crippling admiration anymore. Which is a good thing. I think the thing that triggered the emotional change was when I argued with Lauren R. about how she was flashing around how she could go out with him and I can't possibly have a chance. It somewhat opened my eyes, like I've said it all the time, but with someone actually telling me.. by hurting my feelings in such a way.. it made me realize the truth. And the next day I talked to Kensey about it too, and with her talking to me about it -- made everything fall together. My whole perception of Jake is still the same:

I still find Jake extremely attractive.. I still find Jake extremely interesting.. I still find Jake extremely fun and enjoyable to be around. And I still love him..

The only difference now is that all those feelings aren't intense and I no longer feel like I have to talk to him about things.. I don't feel that discomfort talking to him either.. I don't get nervious around him either. I may not talk to him that much in person but that doesn't bother me that much anymore. I'm just glad and pleased with being his friend. And knowing that he considers me a friend too makes it all that much better. He's an awesome guy to know, and I'm proud that I've come this far with a guy that I've liked -- by actually making the effort and becoming his friend. I've never EVER acted this way towards a guy that I liked and acheived this much success with it. It amazes me. And when I had Spanish, I still checked him out -- NO DOUBT -- but I just don't feel like taking things so personal about everything. If he doesn't talk to me -- no biggie, I know he still considers me a friend, and hopefully with me not trying so hard, he'd come around and start talking to me. Who knows, but I'm definetly not pushing for something that he doesn't wanna do. :) I still love him, just without all the "oh my god, he didn't talk to me" and "ugh, why am i always so scared to talk to him" shit.. and that's a great thing, cause I no longer feel those feelings anymore. I now can go up to him and talk to him and not feel all awkward. It's great.

Maybe this is the stepstone for my emotinal maturity.

Nothing else really happened today. My father wants to take me out to dinner for my birthday though. I guess that will be interesting.. And my father even suggested that he'll buy me new bass pickups and have Trevor's father order them for us, cause he can get discounts and stuff. So I guess I'm going to be getting a new pickguard along with new pickups! Isn't that marvelous? Oops, I mean, 'MAG'?!

I signed up with that 'Top 100 diarys at Diaryland' thingy. I don't think I've even gotten any votes.. how sad. But I personally think that this diary is awesome. And I'm not being conceited or anything near that.. I'm just saying I've read a few other peoples diaries, and all they talk about is the same things.. OVER.. and OVER again. And it's so repeatitive that you don't even have to read it and know whats going on with them. So yeah, if you can, vote for me. Hehe.. or not.. I wouldn't if I were you anyway.

Hehe! Look at this convo that I'm having with my friend Jeff from NJ.. [I'm Mourning Air 80]

Quickie919: ::calls David Silveria and asks him how much it costs for him to "manhandle a guy at his birthday"::
Quickie: i'm on the phone with him, asking him how much it would cost if i wanted to hire him to show you a good time.
Mourning Air 80: what's he saying in return?!!!
Quickie: he says he'd do it for free cause he thinks your so hot.
Mourning Air 80: ask him, "but what would youre children think if they found out!"
Quickie: he says "they dont have to know", and then he started singing IF THEY KNEW by TLC
Mourning Air 80: ask him what he'll be wearing
Mourning Air 80: or what he IS wearing!
Quickie: he says he's just wearing boxers, and he's rubbing his chest

Haha. That made me laugh and amused my soul. ;D Oh, if only that were true... ;)

Well, there really isn't much else to update. I'll be sure to update later if anything big happens. Right now my rents are talking with a guy who is planning out the designs for our house up in Grassvalley. Oh, and that reminds me to tell ya'll the great news!

I'll be staying for Sophomore year here. What will happen is we'll be trying to sell the house this summer, then rent in this same area so I can still go to GBHS, then after sophomore year and when the house is built, we'll be moving. So that's great that I have another year here.. But ultimately I'll still be moving. But I'm glad I'll have the time next year to spend observing more of my friends and continuing and making NEW friendships. I'm going to be even more outgoing and more open to peoples thoughts and whatnot. Things will be great next year.. I'm glad I'll be able to see everyone mature too. It should be interesting and fun.

And I'm listening to Jewel at the moment. I'm really enjoying her new song, "Intuition." It has such a great beat and it's completely different than her past songs. It's a well-needed change of direction. I just hope she doesn't sell out. I might even buy her CD when it comes out. Who knows? I'll need to hear at least 2 more songs to see how everything sounds though. It's just how I am.

I think that everyone should download, "Why Georgia" by John Mayer. He's a reall good singer, and that song rocks.

I guess I'll be going now.. I guess I had a good birthday. I'm officially 15 now. My first year begining with me being open with my sexuality and the first year that I'll be starting with a new outlook on life. Maybe nothing big has happened today.. but I am talking to Kensey right now. And we're having another meaningful conversation about relationships and committment.. And my feelings about Jake and how I'm changing.. About my screen name on MSN [my whole meaning behind what it was, I just changed it] and how there's always someone out there for someone, and her fear of commitment.. Things along those lines. The conversation I'm having with her really means a lot to me. :) I'm glad we're still friends at least.

Yeah, so I know I've said that I'm going already like 3 times.. But I guess I'll really go now. I'll update later. Thank you diary for being here for my birthday entree. :)

=->