Well, nothing really happened today. It started out fine. I was feeling actually content with everything but that feeling seemed to fade with ever hour.

In health we presented our presentation on GHB. It was funny, Patrick did an awesome job on the PP, we got a 100% on the project. Yay.

Second periold we did a review and I'm going to be going over that later tonight since we have a test tomorrow. And I have to get an A or B on it, cause I found out my grade and its a 64%. What the fuck? I swear, I did so much shit and did a lot of good work, but the quiz I took yesterday I got a 40% on, sucks doesn't it? Well I'm going to study for an hour tonight and I hope I can remember that for tomorrow. I can't screw things up by having to go to Summer School.

Guitar sucked, I had to take our final song thing -- which I fucked up about 8 times. It was embarrassing since that class is supposed to be an automatic A, and now I bet with that final I took, it's a C.

Lunch was semi-interesting. But by this time I was just kinda at normal mode. I wasn't feeling bad nor was I feeling great. I was just like, "Yeah."

Then Spanish came around and that class was a bit fun. Nothing really exciting. I ended up slapping Jeanettes ass; making Joel laugh so hard he cried; and pissing off the teacher by saying "Will do, hon." We also watched part of a movie, and at a silent part of the film, I pressed the button on my watch which has Homer Simpson saying, "Mmm.. Burger" and I made a few people laugh. I saw Jake turn around and smile at me. I smiled back and that little moment that he smiled at me, I felt a lot better. He's like a drug almost. It's funny how love can fluctuate your emotions and it's usually in the best ways. We didn't say anything to each other during Spanish, which in a way is starting to get to me again. Hard to believe that a few days ago I thought I was over Jake.. but now it doesn't seem like that anymore. I still really care for him, I haven't learned to take away my emotional attachments with him.. I still want to be his friend but he just doesn't seem to put out the feeling that he wants to be mine. But why would he? He has all the friends he could ever need, to him, what's the difference of having another friend? I guess it doens't matter. For him, it really shouldn't. But I just wish that I could have some form of contact with him, I still can't believe that MSN is such a fucking bitch about this shit. But I guess I'll have to deal with it, maybe I'll try to talk to him before or after Health.

Loretta just called.. Everytime she calls I can tell.. I just get so annoyed when she calls.. and for the first 10 minutes I just get irritated with everything, then I finally let go and I'm feeling a bit better. We were talking about hot guys in the yearbook and guess what? She knows Jason Galloway from her Biology class.. gesh, what a whore! That pisses me off. But whatever.. I'm just glad that Jason is a Junior so I can see a color photo of him when he's a Senior. That man is gonna be hotter than hell when he hits 20. Hehe.

But I guess after Spanish and after I got home.. this negativity force field engulfed me and I just get frustrated easily; depressed easily; and just not myself. I don't like it here anymore. I like being at school more than at home -- as sad as that may be. But I don't like the classes, I like being with friends and people I know. I don't like being home all alone cause frankly -- when I'm here I just sit around and fuck off. I don't do anything and it just leaves my mind up to thinking about things deeply which causes me to feel depression. And believe me, I don't like the feeling of depression.. All I want is to be happy in life. But I can't help but feel imcomplete when I'm here.

I'll be honest with how I feel, I don't like being myself anymore. I'm surrounded by hot guys all day long and it just makes me wish I were them.. or knew them.. or anything to make me feel worth. But that never seems to happen. I don't feel like doing anything.. or that anything is even worth wasting my time on anymore. I'm barely able to type in here cause honestly, at the moment I don't want to type in here. It seems pointless, but I know that deep down this is helping somehow.

I find myself cussing a lot lately aswell. Today I was moving shit [see, haha I swear now too] from my room into the garage to clean out my room, and I swear, I was saying "fucking faget" and all that shit repeatedly on a second-to-second basis cause I get so god damned pissed when things dont work out the way I want them to, and if one thing falls over -- I cuss it out. I can't help myself, and even though I dispize the word, "Faget" -- I say it alot when I cuss and when I'm mad, cause when I was younger I was called that alot so I attached myself to that word. It's just something that clicks sub-conciously.

I guess that when I get angry, somehow I'm portraying my hatred on myself in some twisted way. I just hate being myself.. I hate having auburn hair with the tint of redness in it.. I hate being eerily white [but I must admit, I'm getting a hella tan on my arms and face..], I hate being thin [and somehow people have the fucked up thought that I ENJOY being thin as a fucking stick], I hate being bisexual.. Just too many things that contribute to my self-contempt. I wish I could be attractive.. I wish I could have beautiful short brown hair.. I wish I could have a nice tan everywhere.. I wish I could be buff and strong and have muscles to show off.. I wish I could have great legs.. I wish I could .. damn .. I guess I just wish I could be Jake now don't I?

I just don't know anymore. I don't like being here anymore. I think I'm going to call Angela in a few, she seems like the only person that I can talk to at the moment and not be momentarily pissed off at. You know what I think I'm gonna do? I think I'm gonna listen to some Korn CD's tonight.. that might suit me well, I think I'll fall right into adaption with Untouchables cause that CD has the right mixture of sad songs with fuck off anthems. ::sigh:: But I still have to do my Spanish project and study my Math homework.. I'll find a way, somehow.

I hope what I'm feeling right now is just a funk that I'm going through. I don't want to feel depressed.. I want to be happy.. School's almost out and .. oh .. that's why I'm feeling bad. Cause school's getting out and I won't see any of my friends that I talk to but never hang out with anymore. But that shouldn't be bothering me, cause I'm going to be calling Emily when schools out to have a party or something and invite Jake. Things should be great this summer.. ::sigh:: Yeah.. I just dont feel good and I guess I can't put my finger on it to find out as to why.

Well there isn't anything else to say. I guess I'll just go.

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