I wonder why my internet is being so slow today. Meh it doesn't really matter anyway.

Today I had to go up to the property up in Assvalley and move some shit to the dump.. It was strange how I was feeling, cause I was actaully really happy during most of the time spent doing that shit. I was thinking about Jeff Loder to be honest and I was thinking about how awesome it would be if he was my brother. Haha, strange thoughts -- I know.. but that would be fucking awesome if he was my brother. He's just.. I can't describe really. I don't think I was this happy thinking about him before though. I want to say that I'm in love thus causing my excitment and joyfullness. But by my definition of love, it isn't. I'm just too engrossed in Jeff. I hope that next year I have a class with him, wouldn't that be magnif? I hope to Allah that I have a class with Jeff and Jake next year, that'd be fucking perfect. But I kind of doubt that, I might be able to have a clas with Jake though if I take summer school so I can take Spanish 2, cause I'm sure he's taking Spanish 2 next year too. With Jeff, I think that he'll be taking Pshyology to continue with his science stuff. At least I HOPE he's taking Pshyology [is that spelled right..?] and not Chemistry.. But we'll see.

I'm also thinking of taking a sport for next year. I've always been interested in soccer and volleyball. [And that's not influenced by Jake either cause I seriously do like Volleyball, and I'm a hella good server ;D] So I'll be looking into that too. I would take those sports if I knew someone on the team, cause I would like to have some sort of support from someone I knew on the team, cause I'm a really shy guy [haha, shocking eh?] so I'll talk to my friends about that too.

And when I was at the property too, I had the urge to start writting down some thoughts, so I scrambled to find something to write on and I eventually found a cardboard box and wrote on that. What I had written turned out to be a cool poem. It doesn't really rhyme but I think it's the begining of a cool song. Here's what I wrote down:

Left dripping in the drain, nothing left to gain
Why am I all alone, by now you should've came

I was standing on the crater, right off of the edge
And I couldn't get away, doesn't matter what you have to say
There was nothing down below, and nothing left to spare
The abscene of thin air and the afterthoughts of sex cloud my mind

I can't do anything .. anymore.

I have yet to name it, but I think I'll try to figure out some bass structures to correspond with the lyrics and come up with a beat, I'll show it to Trevor to see what he thinks of it. And what I wrote is something unlike ANY of my past work. I'm trying to move away from my depressing, angst-driven perception and onto a sterile new view. I would like to touch on every genre with my lyrics, so I won't chatagorize what I write anymore. But I know that what I used to write was basically pity rants.. well no more anyways.

I noticed on the Top 100 Diarys @ Diaryland, I'm number 233 .. wait! I've moved up to 211 now! Isn't that mag? Haha, At least I'm seen somewhere on the chart thingy, before I was like way out of the chart.. Scary. I knew I was loved! It's sad that I have to flaunt my sexuality to complete strangers in order to get heard, but if that's what it takes.. then I guess it does.

You know whats fucked up? Okay, about a week and a half ago, I had this dream that I got out of bed, and as I walked out of my door, I looked at my CD stack and there was a CD that had a kid and a guitar pointing to the sky and then as I was walking down the hallway, I noticed that I had white string on my shoes. Then I woke up. But that was a week and a half ago, and this morning I got up -- and remember that ThirdEyeBlind CD that I bought yesterday? It has a kid and a guitar pointing to the sky, and as I was walking down the hallway, I saw my white shoelaces in which I had put in not more than 3 days ago. I had litterally dreamed up what happened this morning in my dream. It's hella creepy, and this little inncident goes to prove more on my theory that dreams predict the future events, but we dream so much in such a short time, that we never remember the dreams until it happens and it boot-jogs our memory and thus causing 'de-ja-vou' .. or whatever the fuck you spell it. So just keep that in mind, that what happens in your dreams, might come to reality .. just in a matter of time.

It's 8:37 right now, and I just put together most of my Spanish project. It's all glued and shit, I just need to decorate it a bit, and then memorize the pictures and what to say for my presentation.. I'm a bit nervious but I could really care less. I'm actually a bit excited that I'll have everyones attention [may I add, Jakes too!!] so that makes me feel a bit more at easy -- strangely. And I'm waiting for Angela to come home.. I still haven't had dinner and I wanted to go out to dinner with her.. She's at Ryans bday party or something.. ::shivers:: God I hate that kid, but anywho. I hope she comes home soon, and maybe we can still go to Taco Bell or something.. I don't know.. I just want to do something and eat. And what better than doing it with you best friend?

Roxy is at Senior Ball right now. I would be there with her if it wasn't for my shitty ass rents. Roxy and I had planned to go, but if you remember correctly, my rents wouldn't let me go cause of my D in Math.. :;sigh:: They don't know how much this meant to her and I. But they're whores, so them going to hell kind of evens the playing fields. I hope Roxy is having fun, with whomever she went with. Hopefully tomorrow Roxy and I can go to the mall too. She suggested that we go to the mall so she can get me my bday present, and although I don't want one from her, she has insited.. and I really want one of those Korn dolls from Hot Topic.. I hope they have them there still! I'm going to be so fucking heartbroken if they're all gone! All I want is the David Silveria doll .. and probably Jonathan Davis' too. But David's is the #1 doll I want. Hehe, cause he's so hot. ;)

You know, I haven't stopped listening to this Modest Mouse CD. "The Moon & Antarctica" is my fucking favorite CD at the moment. It's so detailed and beautiful. I love every single song on this CD. This is probably one of the leading CD's that I can listen to fully [starting from track one till it ends] without skipping any songs or fast forwarding.. It's just so great. I'm glad I bought it. I don't think I even remember how I found Modest Mouse out. Wait, I believe the first time I was ever exposed to them was through Trevor. At first listen, I thought they were insane, cause I heard "Doin' The Cockroach" first which was one of they're leading complex songs. Then I think Jake told me about them again when I talked to him about what he likes, and then I decided to d/l a few of their songs for another listen, and I fell in love with their indie style rock theme. And especially Isaac's vocals.. He has a really adorable lisp. Haha, it's cute. Anyway..

Sometimes I wish someone would ask me how I was feeling and be serious about it. I haven't talked to anyone deeply about how I'm feeling, mostly cause no one cares, and cause I don't want to unload my issues onto people who don't want them, or more so, people who can't handle them. I really have a lot to say on many different issues, but the only person I've gotten to barely express them is when I'm with Angela and we're at Taco Bell or someplace where we talk a lot. Most of all, I would like advice, and someone who can say, "Hey, I've been through that.. what I did was .." and just someone who understands where I'm coming from. It's harder than anyone thinks. I just.. yeah I don't know.

Sometimes I wonder if I had to stay the same emotionally, it'd be best if I were female. I know that sounds maybe a bit awkward and maybe even gross [for all you close-minded .. people] but then at least I could act upon my feelings and still have the feelings for Jake and stuff, and who knows, if I were female maybe they would want to talk to me. ::sigh:: Maybe if I was just someone else other than who I am.. I wish I could be like Jeff Loder. To be involved with things, but be independant with things. Not having many friends [which means less obligations and expectations] and just being alone. I miss being alone.. I miss being a loner. But then again, when I was a loner all I wanted was a friend. It's a vicious cycle.. I wish I could have the right amount dosage of both sides, besides being overdosed with popularity. But gaining popularity does not mean you are accepted and/or even understood.

Yeah, so there's nothing left to type anymore. I'm gonna go, but the lyrics I'm gonna paste are from the song, "Lives" by Modest Mouse. Download this song! ;D I'll update tomorrow dear diary.

"Everyone's afraid of their own life.
If you could be anything you want I bet you'd be disappointed.
am I right?
No one really knows the ones they love.
If you knew everything they thought I bet you'd wish that they'd just shut up.

Well you were the dull sound of sharp math when you were alive.
No ones gonna play the harp when you die.
And if I had a nickel for every damn dime I might have half the time.
do you mind?

Everyone's afraid of their own life.
If you could be anything you want I bet you'd be disappointed.
am I right?

It's hard to remember we're alive for the first time.
It's hard to remember we're alive for the last time.
It's hard to remember to live before you die.
It's hard to remember that our lives are such a short time.
It's hard to remember what it takes such a short time.
It's hard to remember to live before you die.
It's hard to remember.

My mom's god is a woman and my mom she is a witch.
I like this.
My hell comes from inside comes from inside myself.
Why fight this.

Everyone's afraid of their own life.
If you could be anything you want I bet you'd be disappointed.
am I right?"

--"Lives" _ Modest Mouse

That song has a lot of meaning behind it. If you even read it, hopefully you understood it. If you didn't sucks to be you..

Just playin, you know I love you. ;D

=->