[If you don't automatically start hearing music playing, please scroll down to the bottom and push the play button on the RealOne player. It's playing a song that I'm listening to and is the background music to this entree. It will gratify more of the atmosphere I want to create for you.]

I had originally intended not to update tonight.. I don't feel up to typing in here at the moment.. Things have happened within the past 5 minutes and I wish they hadn't. I'll explain later on in my entree.

Well today was fun for the most part. Angela came to pick me up to go to Sunsplash at around .. I forgot, I think it was 4? I'm not sure... But it was fun there -- I will give you full details on that tomorrow okay? I hope you can withstand waiting cause I honestly just dont feel like going into detail about that subject at the moment.

So afterwards I went to her house for a bit, and I'll get into detail about that tomorrow too. Sorry if it seems boring so far..

Okay screw all the shit after that for right now..

Okay, I was online just a few mintues ago, and Cassandra IM's me saying, "Hey Jeff! Do you happen to know where Jake's gig is tomorrow night?" and I told her, "No, I dont. Although I probably would know if he was online for me!" and then she says, "Well, he was online like 5 minutes ago.." and so all this time I've been thinking its been a connection problem right? I guessed wrong. So, I had made an alternate email account about a month ago so that I could add just Jake to it to see if he would come online for another account [cause I thougth my original account was messed up] and as soon as I signed in, BAM -- Jake's online. Here's what was said:

[21:41:04] YOUR MOUTH ..: who is this??????????????/
[21:41:24] the calande..: um this is jeff?
[21:41:38] YOUR MOUTH ..: jeff who
[21:41:43] the calande..: spalding

And then suddenly, like after 2 seconds, he "signs off". And that right there was a clear sign that he had OBVIOUSLY blocked me.. so I was thinking to myself, "..what the hell is going on here.." and I IMed Lauren and she said that he was online still.. and so I was like, "WHAT THE FUCK?!?!" and so I guess he blocked me, on all 3 of my emails [my original one, then the one I made over cause I thought the previous account was jacked, and then the one that I had just talked to him on]. I don't fucking get it.. I asked lauren to IM Jake asking why he would block me, but he was offline for her at the time.

So know I'm feeling extremely hurt, I don't fucking get anything that has been going on. I thought Jake was better than this? I don't know what I did to make him block me.. maybe he's annoyed with me? But I don't see how when he thought up of me as a very cool guy, and then all the sudden just block me and bam.. things start fucking over. Maybe I don't know the facts of whats going on in his head.. but he honestly doens't seem like the type of guy who would go out of his way and block people. Maybe my perception of him has been false all along.

I just can't believe this would happen.. I wish I hadn't of signed in on that account.. then I would've just gone on believeing in a false-truth.. which in the end would've spared my feelings being hurt. But maybe it was best I found out. I don't know.. I'm not so sure about hanging out with him anymore. I don't think he'd want to go to a movie with Lauren and I anyway, I bet he would make up some fucking excuse like, "I'm sorry, I'm busy going somewhere.." or something like that just to stay away from me. I just.. I'm speechless..

... all this time ... all this fucking time, and I've been so blinded by excuses I've forbid myself to lay my eyes upon the obvious facts that were laid out before me ... I knew things were too good to be true, and somehow.. in the back of my feeble mind I knew.. knew that he had blocked me.. but I had never really focused on that..

Am I that bad? What have I done? What did I say? Was it my fault? Does he know I like him? Is he mad at me? Why? ... it doesn't make any sense. I don't even remember the last thing I've ever said to him to even make him upset. Wait.. lemme check my saved convos from him to see what I last talked to him about.

I don't get it.. in all the conversations.. they've been nothing but good. He's talked to me in all of them.. and it wasn't a one sided convo, he would actually talk to me, the last thing I talked to him about was his new bass guitar, and the last thing he said to me was about that and I guess he signed off then cause the convo I pasted ended there. The pieces of the puzzle don't fit. I need Lauren to talk to him for me. The very last full kind of convo I had with Jake was on 5.14.03 -- almost a month ago.

I hate myself so much for this.. I know I caused him to dislike me or something. I'm always fucking up my own well-being. And Jake was the best thing that happened to me. I just wish it was the way it was back a month and a half ago, when I would be talking to Jake online all the time, and having fun with the new friends at lunch and just.. things seemed a lot better back then.. but then things turned downhill concerning Jake and I. :shakes head in dissappointment:

.. I wonder if Ryan has blocked me too .. now I'm getting all paranoid about this, this is ridiculous. Why am I fretting about this again? I think I'm just going to save my fucked up rants till I have facts from Lauren that show that he HAS blocked me and for what reasons.. But that still hurts to know he would block me.. But let's just say that if he did, my thoughts on things will change.

What a coincidence.. Ryan just signed online.. I guess he hasn't blocked me [yet]. I'm not gonna bombard him with my bitching, so I think I'll just wait about 30 minutes before IMing him or until he signs off or goes as "Away" .. it's a safe plan so he knows I'm not obsessed with him and to make sure he wont get annoyed with me.

I'm thinking of putting background music embedded in my site, so it automatically starts playing and you can't stop it.. but that may be a problem for some of you.. So I'll probabkly end up keeping the RealOne player and you may click play and stop as you please, but it is well recomended that if it doesn't start playing automatically for you, that before you start reading my entree, click play and listen to that whilst reading my entree. The song will change with EVERY entree, and the song title will always be the entree title. My entree titles have always been songs, and now I can express to you what kind of an atmosphere I'm trying to create.

..Thinking about Ryan. As of right now, I know that Ryan and I will never go out. I have a feeling that the only reason he was looking at me, was simply to look over at me, and that everything he did was coincidence.. I'd have to talk to him a lot more and see what he says and how he acts before I can make any more assumptions. I won't let myself be hurt in the future by my own decisions.

I wish life was easier.. that I could just come out with my sexuality to everyone, and if someone was interested, all they had to do was come talk to me about it.. and then things could go from there.. but in a society like this -- shit like that can't happen.. only in places that it's permitted -- which I think is fucking out of line. I just want things easier for me to get a boyfriend instead of having to wait to go into a gay bar when I'm 22 and old enough.. I want to be like everyone else in high school -- dating. But there's only a few girls that I like at my school.. and those few are already taken, don't like me, and/or they don't think of me like that.

I want to be able to come home, pick up the phone and call up my boyfriend and just talk about things. I want to be able to say "I love you" to a guy and mean it romantically and them knowing that. I want to be able to go to a movie with a guy and be kissed for the first time by a guy. I want to be able to say the words, "I have a boyfriend" and not lie. I want.. I want.. but it seems as though I can never have.. and it's all about me.

Straight people have it so easy in the game of love. Cause that's accepted, there are NO discrimination for straight people.. do you see protestors discriminating against straight people? No. Cause being straight is the desired and "normal" sexuality, and of course, ::sarcastically:: everything else that isn't straight is wrong.

One thing I hate the most about being part gay, is that in some states, Gay marriages are banned.. illegal.. Can you fucking believe that? That's like having California having it illegal to be jewish people in there.. or black people.. or handicapped people in the state. It's fucking WRONG to be dictating peoples lives and what they can do. It's not right.

You know.. I'll have to go into detail about those subjects I've brought up, and about today [like what happened] tomorrow.. I don't wanna type anymore. Nite everyone.

=->