Thought I would update for the moment, I'm not sure what's going on today. I'm trying to get a hold of Trevor to see if we can hang out today.. but he's not answer his phone.. ::tries calling again::

Angela can do something today, and so we're just waiting on Trevor so then he can call George and we can all hang out today again. Which should be fun.. I'm not sure what we'll do [probably go get kicked out of stores again.. but hey! that's fun!! Isn't it?!]

My rents aren't here as of the moment.. They went to go get some shit, and this morning I had to go with them to put some shit away in storage.. It was boring and seriously, I almost fell asleep lifting a chair.
Which is sad.. ;(

Last night I talked to Ryan a lot more. He asked me a lot of questions, like if I was Canadian or British.. And I told him no.. and he was glad cause he's almost all Scottish and he's against them for some reason cause they tried to take over Scotland in the past.. Haha I thought that was really strange of him to ask that. He also said tha this first impression of me was that I was a "kiwi" .. now to you, you're probably thinking, "What the..? You look like a fruit?!" [like I was thinking] but I guess it's a slang term for people from Austrialia or the Fiji's ya know? [Not degrading at all]. Which I thought was cool.. haha I look Austrialian! But if I'm part anything, it's Scottish too.

Then we talked about movies. Ryan really loves movies I guess. He was talking to me about his favorite movies and stuff and right in the middle of the convo he's like, "be right back, hold that thought" and so he signs off, and I'm left there waiting for him..

30 minutes passed.. and I was thinking "..Okay, just 10 more minutes then I'm going to bed if he's not back..."

15 minutes passed.. and I was thinking "...Okay... just 10 more minutes.." And so I waited for another 30 minutes.. and in the meantime I made some hard-boiled eggs.. which are good at the begining but then I get sick of them after the 3rd egg.. So then I come back to check if Ryans online and BAM he comes online right then.. Strange.

So then he appaulogized and we talked for about 10 more minutes then he said he was gonna go to bed and he'd talk to me tomorrow. Hehe. ..Yeah I have no clue why I typed all that out.. ..anyway..

Today's Saterday.. and tonight I'm DEFINETLY going to watch MADtv and SNL. No excuses this time.. I always end up staying on the computer and talking.. and it's usually not even worth it.. so screw chatting for tonight.. At 11:00 I'm off the computer for the rest of the night.. cause after SNL I go to bed. ;D

I'm listening to this song called, "Complicated" by Carolyn Dawn Johnson.. and it's reminding me of like.. all the guys I like at the moment. I'll have to change my song to this song but GOD DAMN IT the damn website still isn't working.. >:@ That enrages me!! .. ::calms down:: .. Well, I'll post the lyrics to it, although I know you won't even bother to read them. Hopefully the website will work and then you can hear it, cause thats a lot less work than deciphering what words mean what, cause I mean.. we all know how incredably hard that is. ::rolls eyes::

"I'm so scared that the way I feel,
Is written all over my face
When you walk into the room,
I wanna find a hiding place.
We used to laugh, we used to hug, the way that old friends do.
But now, a smile and a touch of your hand,
Just makes me come unglued.
Such a contradiction, do I lie or tell the truth.
Is it fact or fiction,
Oh the way I feel for you.

So complicated, I'm so frustrated.
I wanna hold you close, I wanna push you away,
I wanna make you go, I wanna make you stay.
Should I say it.
Should I tell you how I feel.
Oh, I want you to know.
But then again I don't. It's so complicated.

Oh..just when I think I'm under control.
I think I got a grip.
Another friend tells me that, I'm always on your lips.
They say I'm more than just a friend, they say I must be blind.
Well, I admit that I've seen you watch me from the corner of your eye.
Oh, It's so confusing. I wish you'd just confess.
But think of what I'd be losin', if your answer isn't yes.

So complicated I'm so frustrated,
I wanna hold you close, I wanna push you away,
I wanna make you go, I wanna make you stay.
Should I say it, should I tell you how I feel.
Oh I want you to know, but then again I don't, It's so complicated.

Oh, I hate it. 'Cuz I've waited.
So long for someone like you
Oh, what do I do
Oh should I say it
Should I tell you how I feel.
I want you to know, but then again I don't.
It's so complicated...
It's so complicated...
It's so complicated."

--"Complicated" _ Carolyn Dawn Johnson

I really like that song, thanks to Angela for making me download it a while back. Sad how I just listened to it now.. and I've had it downloaded for like a month. It's a great song though.

I know this sounds so incredably stupid and childish, but this song reminds me of Ryan. Cause lately I've been contemplating if I should tell him how I feel or not.. seeing how Jake's reacted [cause he has to have been told by now..], I don't know if I should tell Ryan at all. Cause right about now we're getting to be nice friends. Nothing more though. I wanna tell him to clear my conscience but then I don't want him to freak out. [Ref: "Should I say it? Should I tell you how I feel? Oh, I want you to know, but then again I don't.."] And I don't want to tell him and then him get freaked out and block me and never talk to me again.. [Ref: "..But think of what I'd be losin', if your answer isn't yes."] Yeah.. things are 'complicated.' :sigh:

I think I've come to the conclusion that I can't tell the difference between love and human-lust. I look back at how I felt towards John.. and wow, what a fuck-head. I hate John so much now. I mean, he doesn't even appeal to me anymore. I like Jake still though. I would just like to talk to him sometime.. geesh. And I like Ryan too, but I can probably bet that that will change with time. I don't think I'll ever fall in love [for real] until I meet a guy and I know there's a chance to go out with them and talk to them more ya know? So that won't happen until I'm about 18 or 19. :sigh: It's so far away..

But who knows? Maybe I'll find a nitch in the system and I'll meet someone before then. I can always be optimistic.. even though I hate doing it.

I wish Roxy was online right now. I'd like to talk to her about this stuff and see what she has to say about it. She has tons of advice.. just I haven't asked for it. I would like her to come by.. pick me up and we can just drive somewhere where we can talk. Lots of things going on in my head and it seems to me that typing in this diary isn't enough anymore. I can never seem to find the right way to get what I'm imagining typed out to paint everyone the picture I'm thinking of or what I'm trying to say.

So I'm gonna go for now.. I might do something today.. ::calls Trevor again:: I'll update later today. Bye.

=->

P.S. Anywhere that I said, "Complicated" I do not reference to that god-forsaken Avril Lavigne song.. I hate her. It just so happens that the Carolyn Dawn Johnson song is called that.. and thats the song I like. ;) Just thought I'd let you know.