Well.. I have nothing really to say right now. I'm not quite sure why I'm even updating right now. Guess I'm just that .. bored.

I've been listening to Nicola Hitchcock (Former singer from the band Mandalay) songs and all of her songs have such a re-occurring serenity of sadness in her songs. Her voice is just so beautiful though. The music that she performs to may be more lenient to the .. okay I have no clue how to describe her solo work. It's just .. I would like to say that it seems olden with a hint of .. AH! I can't put my finger on it! It's just beautiful music to relax to. And her lyrics add some intelligence to the rather adamantine rhythms. I wish that Mandalay was still together. They were such a great band (there was actually only 2 people in the band. Nicola as the singer and some other guy who produced all the music himself). Sad that they broke up in 2000. ;(

I've been waiting for Roxy to come online so I can go over what the plans for tomorrow are. I was told that she'll be picking me (as well as Ashley) up around 8:00AM.. And I hope she gets up at that time (cause I know she's the type of person to sleep in..) and picks us up. That�s why I hope that she comes back on AIM so I can just get things straight.. to settle my own conscience.

I guess that my rents (Okay, just so everyone knows, I call "parents" "rents" cause we (children/teens) basically rent them out.. they become our "role models" for a certain amount of time and in return -- we give them this so called, "love".. If that made any sense..) won't be taking away my computer. Yay for that. I also asked my dad about money for tomorrow.. and he replied with, "You'll get it tomorrow.. if you're lucky."

~_- .. I was like .. okay. So I hope that my dad will pay me (which is an astonishing $48.00!!) so then I can pay off the ticket, gas and food.. etc.. I hope that tomorrow will be fun and worth it.

You know.. I looked in the mirror today. And I mean, I really looked at myself.. and I don't accept it. I can't. I don't like being so .. thin. I've tried working out (and we all know what happened with that.. it went to the wayside just like what would happen with drugs -- you do it to make you feel good and once that's done -- it's useless to you.) and I will admit, that I have gotten a little bit more muscular (notably in my biceps) but it's not enough. I don't know if I'm comparing myself to someone else in my mind or what, but I don't like what I look like. My forearms are thin (which piss me off, cause how the fuck are you supposed to get those muscular? I only know one exercise for that..), my thighs are thin (I even made a girl cry at school cause I was thinner than her and she was jealous. And that's actually disgusting.) and even my fucking fingers are thin!! But.. the index fingers are seemingly getting a little bit more plump (haha, okay why does that matter?) but that doesn't matter. I'm thin all around.. and I don't like it. No one likes it. I'm disgusting. I can't help it. And what makes everything all the more confusing is I eat a lot everyday. I honestly do. I'm not anorexic (a lot of people say that about me, and it only makes me feel that much better) and I don't want to be anorexic. I love food. I guess I just have a fast metabolism.

My father suggested to me that I eat meals for "2 people" now cause by doing so I'm eating normally but more so I can gain more weight. So I guess that's a good idea. .. but I thought I was doing that already.

And you know where all this stemmed from? Me growing up short and fat (my height started changing later on..) and my dad would constantly tell me how I needed to stop eating so much. He would call me a pig and even joke about it in front of strangers and/or neighbors. My brother also joined in (and he's deaf) and would constantly ridicule me for my weight and through the years I've developed this image in my mind that I've always been fat. Then once my height started growing (and I hit 6 foot) I still had the thoughts in my head that I was obese and over-weight, when in reality I was already thin.

Guess what my father and brother do now? They now taunt me for being skinny. They say one of these days a major windstorm will come and I'll just fly away. Now that may be "humorous" to you and others.. but in return -- all these phrases and such are just causing ANOTHER fucking mental postage-note saying I'm under-weight.. and once I start gaining weight.. I'll just keep eating cause I'll have that thought in my head -- the thought that I'm thin.. It's ruining me. So I guess I owe my family a great big thank you. ::fake smile::

..something that I enjoy the most now-a-days is staring at the stars. Every time that Roxy and I go to hang out late at night, we always stop by this park that's secluded near the GBHS and I always end up looking up at the stars. How distant they all seem.. The gleams of light that they produce and shower upon the earth.. Almost like little candy nerds spilled out onto the dirt, so useless but yet so meaningful.

You know, I was thinking about this earlier.. what if when you're "sleeping" you're actually (in reality) "awake" and when you're "awake" you're actually "sleeping"? I know that may have come out a tad bit confusing, but think about that. Sometimes thinking about death and what�s afterwards puts my head into a frame of mind .. that I can't possibly begin to comprehend.

Well.. it's already 12:37AM. I guess in about 7 hours I'll be going to 6Flags. Hard to believe.. Great! Roxy just came online and she said everything should be fine. She'll be by to pick me up at 8:00. ;D

You know what's a good song? "This Is Our Sound" by Ladytron. It reminds me of Goldfrapp.. But I have to say that Goldfrapp is a bit better and more "techno-telligent."

>_< IzeroP is still down.. I wish it was working so I could make that song the song for this entree. ::sigh:: I hate IzeroP cause it's constantly down. And MSN is down at the moment too. This suddenly bores me.

I can't wait till I graduate out of High School.. so I can go on that big trip with Angela (given that we'll still be friends then) and just kinda live the life of a picaresque. Going from town to town.. and just observing the world for my own eyes. Angela offered for me to move to Minnesota with her in the future. I've been thinking about that, and you know -- I don't think it's quite that bad of an idea. I don't really have anyone else for me after High School.. but I guess with time things change.

Angela is just .. ::sigh:: she's such a great person. She's basically a mensch; someone I can always trust.. I hope through the years our friendship stays as solid as it is and we keep in touch. I know that in a few days (now 8 days) I'll be in Grassvalley.. already initiating the separation and building the barricade of forgetness. I don't want that to happen. I want to keep in touch and hopefully once I get my liscence and a car, I can drive over her as much as I want and pick up Angela and just hang out somewhere. I would also like a cell phone (if my father would allow me to have one..) so I could talk to my friends without my rents bitching at me about the time constraints and who needs to do what. It's tugging on a string I can no longer continue to thread.

I'm currently listening to, "And I Love Her" by The Beatles. Such a great band/song. This is my favorite song by them out of every song they've ever done. Such beautiful lyrics too..

"Bright are the stars that shine, dark is the sky. I know this love of mine, will never die. And I love her.."

I love that part of the song. Such a beautiful mix of words that swirl in the air as if for infinity, only to reconcile back in your ear. Marvelous.

Oh, well now I'm onto the song, "Lover I Don't Have To Love" by Bright Eyes. This song means a lot to me.. it reminds me of love. Just love in general. I have a great respect for Bright Eyes just for this song. It clearly points out some incredible writing.. he's very intelligent.

"I want a lover I don't have to love. I want a girl who's too sad to give a fuck. Where's the kid with the chemicals? I thought he said to meet him here but I'm not sure. I got the money if you got the time, you said it feels good, I said I'd give it a try."

..that just grips me somewhere.. The passion in his voice and the rhythm of the music..

"I want a lover I don't have to love. I want a boy who's so drunk he doesn�t talk. Where's the kid with the chemicals? I got a hunger and I can't seem to get full. I need some meaning I can memorize, the kind I have always seems to slip my mind."

That verse is probably the most prevalent to what touches me. I think the lyrics speak for themselves.

Well.. I'm gonna head off to bed right now. I only have about 6 hours left to sleep before I have to wake up and spend the whole day with some good ol' friends. Sad to think it'll probably be the last thing I'll do this summer with some friends while still in Granite Bay. :sigh: I'll update tomorrow.. that is unless when I come back from the trip the computers gone.. or my rents won't let me on the computer. Who really can be too sure?

If I'm unable to update anymore, then take this as my last entree for a while. I'll continue to write .. somehow .. and then once I get my computer back, I'll update the diary with what I would've written down. But I don't think it'll be gone when I come back.. my rents can't be that fucked up..

.. or can they?

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