[.:remember the future:.]
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Antistar
06.23.03 //_ 11:41 PM

I just finished watching "They" (a Wes Craven production) .. I've come to the conclusion that I'm disappointed in this film. To be honest, I don't remember the commercials for the film.. but my dad pointed it out, and I had thought it would be better than me renting "Ghost Ship" .. but now I see that was a premature judgment.

First off, the main character is anorexic.. or at least extremely thin. It was stuck in my mind the whole time -- often distracting me from the plot.

Secondly, the whole story was not thought out well enough (the alternate ending was WAY better than what was actually left in). The graphics weren't that pleasing and in my opinion.. it was a fuck-off film.

Things I did enjoy was Marc Blucas' attractiveness. Man.. he's a hottie in this film! And right after the movie was over I went online and looked up some photos and they didn't NEARLY add up to his appeal in this film. He wasn't an exceptionally great actor .. but that didn't really seem to matter since all I was thinking about was .. ahem, back to the movie theme.. ;)

.. Wow, okay I can't find anything really great about the film, the only thing that really caught me attention and interest was the alternate ending. My god, that was a completely different twist to the whole god-damned movie. I loved it. It would've been so much more better if it was the original ending. Another thing that kinda got me going was how the "terror" sequences happened. The sudden JOLT and bam they're being attacked, that was intense. Other than that.. it was a waste of my time. Well.. not entirely.. since Marc got shirtless in a part of the film.. ehehe ;)

At the moment, I'm stuck in an array of different feelings. I'm feeling more sad, er, down overall more than anything. Earlier today I cleared out my closet and moved my clothes into my dresser and the things in the dresser into boxes. Confusing huh? I guess today my rents found a place up in Grassvalley (did I already mention this?) and it's right by the school. ::sarcasm:: What luck! ::end sarcasm::

We'll be moving things into the house up there shortly.. we're still putting shit into boxes and so forth. You know, through all of this happening.. I haven't gotten the least bit emotional (meaning, I haven't cried yet) and that refers me back to an entree I made a while ago (.. I'm too lazy to go find it) but I mentioned the beginning of my emotional maturity. I used to cry a lot .. and I mean, I would cry every night it seemed. I would never stop.. I would wake up and my eyes would be crusted over with dry tears filled with my hopes. But not anymore. Lately I've been more angry than sad. I know I'm feeling sad and kind of catatonic at the moment but most of the time I'm just pissed off at things (did I talk about this morning and the appraiser yet?). So back to my emotions.. I used to be so emo(tional) about everyday things. It's surprising that I found emo music out just about 3 months ago though.

But I guess I'm glad I haven't been crying lately. I'm sure things will change once I get over to the new house.. and I'm away from everything. It just feels like this isn't happening. Probably because I have no control over it.

This morning I was awakened by a doorbell. I stood up in bed wondering who it was. I glanced out the window and saw a white car.. I didn't recognize it and so I just laid in bed and thought, "Okay, they don't know I'm here.. they'll leave." But this lady would not give up.. she rang the doorbell about 20 times.. knocked on the door.. walked around to the window and everything.. Finally as I went to go answer the door -- she unlocked the door and was about to come inside. I was a bit hesitant since I had NO CLUE who the fuck she was and what business she had being there, but she told me she was going to appraise the house and she'd be around.. and reminded me that my rents told her to wake me up. Again.. ::sarcasm:: Thanks a lot!! ::end sarcasm::

The rest of the day doesn�t matter.. nothing happened. All I did was sit on the computer and think about what to do. Since Angela's not here anymore -- I'm finding myself doing the things I never would think about doing.

I started to test my pain thresh-hold a while ago. I took my shaving blade and cut along my leg.. I felt it which surprised me because all the other times I've done it -- I never felt a thing.

I stopped after a while since I was worried about how to cover up the scars so my rents wouldn't be onto something. And no, I'm not suicidal.

I'm glad that we also rented out "The Recruit" (with COLIN FARRELL!!) and I'll probably watch that.. I'd be SO pleased if my rents left for the day and I was alone .. to watch the movie .. <_< .. >_> .. ahem. ;) Colin is such a mar mar. Haha, I'm still using lingo from 6 Flags. :D

.. Aw shit, my random play list is now playing, "Roads" by Portishead. The ultimate depressing song. [::long pause::]

I remember one night about 4 months ago.. I came home from school -- went into my room -- shut the door and locked it -- turned on this song and just laid in bed. I felt like I had cried a thousand oceans that night. As I think about it, I can't remember quite the reason why either. I'm almost embarrassed of my past behavior.. and yet I continue to do things and continue to hate my actions. If love is the source of life, then how can my life be filled with so much hurt?

[::long pause::] This song is so beautiful.

I've been thinking about keeping a journal to write in for myself. Just like this online diary -- only for me to write in with my own soul imprints. A way to write and draw things out as I see them. I know that I'll probably end up abandoning the idea (just like everything else I've ever attempted to start) but it might be a creative idea to do entree's. Especially if I could get my scanner to fuckin' work. If I could, I would be writing out my entree's instead of typing them, then scanning them and giving you guys a link to the picture of my entree. Or somehow I could be able to set a huge image to be as the diary place, and just change the photo with my entree. Wow, that would be awesome. I'll try to keep that in mind.

Finally.. the song has changed.. Now I'm onto "My Beautiful Flower" by My Ruin. A little bit more industrial/slow metal for my liking. :)

I stumbled upon some drawings that I must've drawn when I was about 6 today. I was embarrassed by my .. lack of creativity. All my drawings were the same or alike in some way. They all seemed to incorporate this innocent girl.. she followed around in my thoughts and I would always try and draw her.. The poster-child for innocence and beauty. Of course I could never posses the talent to draw out how I envisioned her.. but it was always something that I could never become.. something I could never retain. Innocence. I've been tampered with and nothing can reverse time.

=->

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xxx