Well.. now I'm all alone -- much different from when I was surrouned with 4 of my good friends at the lake.

We all went over there and met up. We kinda sat around and talked.. BJ didn't seem very intersted.. in fact -- he seemed either annoyed, shy or just plain bored the whole time. He didn't talk hardly at all until we went swimming. But before that we all just sat and I was waiting for Kami to call on the cell.. but we got tired of waiting and we finally went out and started swimming..

I dunked Emily and Brittany into the water.. Then Trevor came after me but I ended up dunking myself. So hmph!

But while we were swimming and stuff.. Brittany and Emily left to go "tan" while it was just Trevor, BJ and I left. At first I think BJ was a bit uncomfortable since Trevor and I are such good friends.. but he slowly started warming up and talked a lot more. He's actually HELLA buff. Almost to the point that it detracts from his attentiveness. I had forgotten how he looked from the other Party.. and he is actually really cute. So when we were swimming.. he had his shirt off [ ;D ] and when I glanced over at him, I had originally thought he was skinny dipping, cause I could see through the top of the water and it seroiusly looked like he slipped his shorts off and was just standing there thinking that we couldn't see.. But I later realized it was his white shorts.. which I had forgotten he was wearing.. I'm an idiot.. glad I didn't tell him...

But yeah, Trevor, BJ and I talked for a while.. we were having a good time I guess.. but I was feeling so bad cause it was so boring.. everyone was just like .. there. Nothing to do.. and that always happens when we go to the lake. There's absolutely nothing to do.. and I end up feeling bad for everyone and then I regret it and later on when I get home I get all depressed cause I wished things could've been different.. But I can't change how things happened.. I can wish all I want but it's already been done.. ::sigh:: Yeah so I'm feeling depressed right now.

Ashley B, Kami and Ashley (the other one) and Roxy didn't come. So it was just Emily, BJ, Brittany, Trevor and I.

God I just feel so low right now.. I wanted things to be better.. I was appaulogizing to everyone for it being so boring.. I'm so disappointed in myelf.

I want to go into a deep sleep and just dream this whole day over again and never awake to the reality of this. I don't wanna move anymore. I would rather have a ton of more boring things to do with them than moving there and doing nothing with them. BJ's really a sweet guy once you get him cracked out of his shell -- Brittanys really cool and down to earth once you get her going -- Emily is always interesting and fun to be with -- and Trevors just a tight ass dude.. While I on the other hand -- am a Depression fiend. I always end up low and shitty after these sorta things.

Ashley B wants me to come over for dinner tonight. I said that I could probably make it and I most likely will.. Trevor wants me to spend the night tonight but I have a feeling that his parents feel rushed with all this stuff -- it'd be best if we did it tomorrow. And Roxy and I have to hang out before she leaves to Santa Cruz and before I move to Assvalley. And today was the last day that I'll get to see BJ and Brittany.. and Emily too at that.

"just lately i've been feeling like i don't belong,
like the grounds not mine to walk upon
and ive heard that music echo through the house
where my grandmother drank by herself,
and i sat watching a flower as it was withering..
i was embarrased by its honesty,
so i'd like to be remembered as a smiling face
not this fucking wreck thats taken its place."

--"No Lies, Just Love" _ Bright Eyes

::sigh:: I don't know what to do anymore.. I feel so useless and that no one wants to do anything anymore.. Like I've already been forgotten and I haven't even left yet. It's like no one cares -- and no one wants to. I want to curl up in a ball and just disinigrate myself into thin air .. not like anyone would notice.

But Kami did stop by and give me my going-away present. It was a collage of pictures over the past year.. You know looking at it now.. it makes me want to smile but yet it makes me wanna cry.. But I appreciate the idea.. thanks Kami, I love it.

I'll update later.. I wanna sleep.

=->