Okay.. maybe now I can come across and get my feelings out completely without causing myself confusion and just get things organized better.. ::sigh::

Today was enjoyable -- it really was. I'm glad that the people who came were able to make it, but sad that some didn't stay longer.. and I'm mad at myself for not doing something more interesting as a good-bye party. All we really did was swim and talk.. that's pretty much it.

I'm starting to think that I like BJ.. but it's not like anything can happen -- he's going out with Brittany and I don't think he's interested in guys at all like that. He's really cool though. So he's deffinetly a friend of mine now.

But during the end of the party.. I was just feeling so low cause everyone was just lounging around -- and that may be acceptable for them and all.. but to me that's boring and boredom is a sign of aggitation and annoyance. I wish we could've gone to Sunsplash or something.. but that costs money .. But the time has come and already passed and I guess I won't be seeing any of them for a long time..

I guess that's what's mostly bothering me .. the fact that I won't see them again. I'm almost completely sure that I wouldn't be feeling half as bad as I do now if I wasn't moving. I just want to spend more time with my friends.. I wish we could've done more things earlier.. Maybe there's still a chance to do something later on.. like going to one of BJ's football games.

I just hope that I can make friends like the ones down here.. People who [at least seem to] care and are nice and accepting.. It would be such a relief if that were to happen.. they may not know I'm new to the school but I sure as hell will feel like it. It sucks moving to new schools.. I just wanna stay at GBHS or Lincoln [cause that's where BJ goes.. so at least I'd know someone] .. ::sigh:: I don't want to be alone. It's one of my biggest fears too, besides spiders.

Oh you know.. I forgot to mention this. My brother came back here this morning. I guess he'll be moving back in since Fernando is having problems at his house. So I guess I'll be with my brother for 3 more years.. Hah, that's till I move out myself. I'm happy that he's back though. He's such a cool brother now.. back in the old days when I was young .. he picked on me but hey -- who wouldn't? But he's a lot more fun to be around now. I'm just glad he's back.. I don't quite know why I'm glad he's back.. but I haven't seen him in a long time -- so this is a pleasant surprise. :)

That and hanging out with my friends [in general] is/was the only thing that was positive today. Nothing bad happened per se.. but I just feel so bad now.

I guess I'm also going to Ashley B's house in about 10 minutes. I'll be there till about 10:00PM and they'll take me back home. What we're gonna do is have dinner over there then I wanna go for a walk over to the school and talk to her.. Like a serious, one-on-one conversation with her with issues in my life.. how I'm feeling now.. just everything. We haven't had any alone time this whole summer and I think this would give our friendship a much-needed boost.

I wish I had a webcam so I could show you just how I'm feeling. I mean.. I believe facial expressions can tell the story.. just takes a lot of intelligence to decipher what means what. I feel like I've been given a death sentence.. cause after all.. once I move -- isn't the person I was dead and then reborn into a new world? Starting anew doesn�t seem so appealing as it once used to. I didn't even give Brittany a goodbye hug! Let alone BJ! ::sigh:: I just feel so down.. I guess it's cause I've let myself down so much. I just didn't want it to be like this. My rents fucking suck. Ugh, I hate them so much.. they've ruined SO much with this whole moving-shit.

If it wasn't for them, I'd be leading a great life as of now.. I'd have tons of friends and have great classes for next year.. just .. everything. I want more time.. I want things to be different.. But I guess it's all about me now isn't it?

I'm sorry for ranting so much about these stupid issues. I know I'm boring you.. But wait.. this diary isn't aimed to please you.. it was never meant for public appraise.. it was never intended to entertain. This isn't a fairy-tale -- this is my fucking life.

I will update tonight once I get back from Ashley�s. You know who I want the most right now? Angela. I miss her SO FUCKING MUCH!! Words cannot express the sorrow I'm filled with knowing that when she gets back -- I won't be here anymore.. I wanna talk to her again.. I wanna hug her again. I know that we'll hang out when she gets back.. cause Jeff Q, her and I have to go to 6 Flags [hah, again for me] and stuff. We'll definitely see each other at least one more time this summer when she gets back.. but that day seems SO far away.. She wont be back till the end of July.. I don't know how long I can bare this.. insecure feeling that when she gets back she won't bother to try and contact me.. and she'll just forget me.. along with everyone else. They'll move on with the time while I'm stuck here trying to find a loose thread to remember them by.. I hope that never happens.. and sure they may say it never will -- but I'm sure it most certainly will.

I would like to suggest to you all to download, "No Lies, Just Love" by Bright Eyes. I mean, even if you're gonna be like, "Hell no, I'm too fuckin' lazy.." just do it god-damn-it. It's such a beautiful song.. it's probably the only song I'm latching myself onto at this very moment. I posted some of the lyrics in the previous entree [which I made like 30 minutes ago, so you might wanna check that one out if you haven't read it yet] so please download the song -- if you're able to. If not, hey, fine by me.. I don't fucking care anymore.

"so i prefer to be remembered as a smiling face,
not this fucking wreck that's taken its place."

=->