[.:remember the future:.]
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Don't Speak
07.16.03 //_ 8:25 PM

I keep feeling minimal. As if I don't really matter anymore. Everything that escapes my mouth means nothing to anyone now. No one cares and no one knows how I'm feeling.

Everyday I wake up I find myself getting so easily pissed off at simple things. Sometimes it's everyones attitude towards me and sometimes I think .. I think my mind makes up excuses to hate. And when I get angry I feel like I just want to punch someone in the face -- basically I have violent fantasys. Things are okay between my rents and I, but things could definetly be better. Same with my brother, ever since we had the internet hooked up he's been against me cause he thinks it's unfair to have equal times on the net. He believes that since I can hear and he can't that makes him eligible to have more time on the computer. Being a deaf//mute or not doesn't matter when it comes to the internet. He's older than I am -- does that mean that I can have more time too? Oh, he can drive as well -- add another hour to my time limit.

I've plastered myself in this barricade and you know, I don't want to come out. I don't feel like everyones ready [including myself] for me to come out. I think things will change once school starts, I usually let myself out of my cage to try and amuse others. Acceptance.

Yesterday while I was with my Father and Brother getting ice cream, I was signing to my brother about the ice cream and stuff [he's deaf and mute so I have to use sign language] and there was about 4 guys in there [they have to be going to the school here] and they were kinda cute and one of them points at my shirt and tells one of the guys, "Dude, I have the same shirt. I went to that place!" What I was wearing was an Alcoholics Annonomys shirt that my Father had gotten from a friend a long time ago -- and so I laughed and told him I got it from my Father. The guy smiled and laughed with me. Then I signed to my brother what happened and I looked over to the guys and they were [obviously] talking about what I was doing. Apparently they were intreged in how I was signing. It made me feel really .. cool.

I'm looking forward to the new school year here. I know I'm going to feel alone and intimidated once I get in class and stuff, but I'm going to try and keep an optimistic mind and realize that all I have to do is be receptive to everyone else and I'll be fine -- I'll make many friends. If I can make about 20-50 friends over at GBH in just half a year then I'm sure I can make at least one friend over at this school relatively soon.

I hung out with Roxy today. We didn't get to doing anything until around 11:00 though cause she was sleeping and .. yeah. So we went to Dimples where I looked for some Bright Eyes CD's .. and they didn't have any. I was pissed. So we left but before we did I grabbed two Promo CD's and we headed to get some food. Then my father calls on the cell saying that he's gonna pick me up at that moment and just cut off the little "hang out" that Roxy and I had going on. ::shakes head:: So he picked me up -- I said goodbye to Roxy and we headed back home.

On the way back, I popped in the Astralwerks 2003new music Promo CD and WOW. I was//am amazed at how great this Promo CD is. Every single song that was on that CD was fantastic [besides the horrible 3 rap tracks which were acceptable but the CD was WAY better off without them] and through that Promo CD I found a few new bands to spread my admiration at. Bands like: Turin Brakes, A Band Of Bees, Royksopp, Erlend Oye, The Faint, Alpinestars and Placebo. I litterally fell in love with those bands the second I heard each of their songs off the CD. The rap songs were horrible though and don't get me wrong -- I like rap. I grew up loving rap [mostly just Left Eye and Da Brat] and these tracks are good but not my type. All I can say is don't be afraid to try new things out -- who knows .. they may be your next favorite thing. ;D

And through launch.com I've found a new band out too, called ATB. From the 2 songs I've heard from them, they sound techno or trance. They're great though. ::thumbs up:: It's cool to have launch which allows you to rate the music and try new artists too while still listening to music you like. Plus, they finally have Korn on their database! Can you believe it? Before they didn't have their songs but they had them listed.. and now all the sudden they're being played on my list. w00t w00t. ;D

I wish I could be myself without my father having to restrict what I need in order to be individualistic. I hate it when others take advantage of their control over you. To be myself I need to have a mixture of goth//punk//..a little prep and just .. my own vibe. If I allow my father to take control of me -- it'll only be punk//and a little prep, cause I don't allow my own vibe to come through unless I feel completely free. I guess I'll only be half of who I really am this school year.. I'll have to make due with the "goth" clothing I have now which is only my big baggy black pants and Korn related items. ::sigh:: Whatever. I don't care. It won't get to me.

It's strange how two people can live from opposite parts of the Earth and yet have their eyes on the same thing. Like the moon, sun or stars. Objects like those can be seen everywhere. It's hard to think that what you're looking at is not solely for your vision only -- but probably hundreds of other people are looking at them aswell. Kinda makes you feel less alone in an over-populated world as it is.

Can't do it, no, not even if sober.
Can't get that engine to turn over.

I think it's about time I get off here before I'm forced off by my inconsiderate family members. If I don't update later -- save yourself the worry and have a good night.

=->

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xxx