Let's get down to the nitty gritty. These are my confessions of a wilted follower.. this is my tirade.

WARNING: Some of the following may not be suitable for people of all ages. If you are offended by sexual content, drugs, language or innapropriate issues, you may not want to read.

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When I was younger, I was fascinated with female clothing [dresses].

I have worn a dress and I did enjoy it. I wouldn't wear one again but isn't it unfair that women can wear womens clothing along with mens clothing but men can only wear mens clothing?

I used to lie. All the time -- non stop. Didn't matter if you were a friend, family member or stranger. I used to lie. Maybe that will contradict the truths that are coming out now, but I have stopped lying ever since I was about 12.. at least most of it, cause everyone lies.

I have never been kissed properly [the closest I got to kissing a girl was her eye. Sad, I know..] I have never been kissed by a guy. Not even gotten close to doing so. Never had a boyfriend.

I have had 4 girlfriends in all. The first girlfriend I had was basically just flirting -- we were too young to know what "dating" meant. Second one was the one I had gotten the closest to. The third one was a fuck off. The fourth one was probably the one that got away. The one I had the time but I fucked it up. All my fault.

I have gotten to 2 and 1/2 base with my 2nd girlfriend. For all of you who don't know the bases:
1st = Making out
2nd = Heavy groping
3rd = Hand job
4rth = Sexual intercourse

If I had the chance to change my sexuality but still keep my personality the same, I would rather be a female than male.

I should've died about 6 times in my life so far.

My brother once tried to kill me.

I have been called "Faget" throughout my life -- from students and teachers.

I have had 2 online relationships with guys. I don't believe they count as dating though because there was nothing more than sexual gratification involved through RPG. I ended up dumping both of them because it was getting too emotional and I thought it wasn't fair to them.

I download porn. Mostly homosexual porn but I do download straight and lesbian porn from time to time too.

I used to be obsessed with the Spice Girls. My favorite was/is Baby Spice. I used to wish I could be like her. Ever since then I've always admired hella big platform shoes. I had all their CD's, their movie, their book, their little info booklets, a poster, and a calander.

I used to like Lisa Frank accessories.

I have worn womans jewlery before in an attempt to re-create what Mariah Carey looked like in her "Butterfly" era. [Lmfao]

I used to pick on those weaker than me, I sometimes still do -- just to make myself feel better.

I hate my red-hair. I think it's disgusting and makes me look immature even though it's turning auburn and brown. Almost all my friends love it though.

I never really had any "true" friends until High School. All my friends in Jr. High School all ditched me except for a few who have stuck by me [Ashley B, Stacey and Stephanie].

I accidently killed my friends hampster by throwing it to the ground forcefully cause it freaked me out. Then tried to play it off as if it fell out of the cage and had put a bandage on itself.

I do not enjoy being bisexual [or possibly gay] but I don't know how it feels to be straight so all I can say is I love guys.

I obsess over attractive guys and exaggerate to make others inflict attention on me. I am a petty whore who seeks attention. The truth is I don't deserve attention.. I don't deserve much really.

I have masturbated in many places, probably the most prevalent was in the backseat of a truck while my rents were in the parking lot talking.

I went swimming once in our old pool at night and looked in my rents' bedroom and accidently saw my step-mother giving my dad head. It was disgusting.. it seriously has scared me.

When I was younger I would assure myself that everything would be okay when I was older cause then I could get liposuction and have a sex change [yes, I considered that but no longer wish to have that done].

I have been in the hospital 4 times. One time for dehydration, one time because my brother broke my finger, one time cause I was beat up at school and broke 2 ribs and one time for having a nail in my foot.

I have never had sexual intercourse but when I was younger I was sexually abused by a male neighbor. I enjoyed it for a little bit but little did I know the emotional anguish it would cause me further on down the road. I didn't know any better back then.

The reason why I tend to shove friends away after time is because it's best for them. The truth is I'm not worthy enough to have such great friends..

I once got in a fight with this kid in Elementary school where I ripped his shirt off and beat him up really bad.

When I was younger I had an emotional problem with my anger.

I have cut myself diliberatly before. I would cut on my legs mostly with a razor blade. People would ask me what had happened at school and I would tell them I fell off my bike. They believed it.

I have held a gun before.

I was exposed to pornography at a young age. Around 6 years old my father took me to a magazine store and while he was looking for motorcycle magazines I saw a video rack and there was tons of pornographic videos that were just my height and I looked through each one of them.

I started smoking at a young age, around 11 years old when I found a pack of fags [thats the English term for "ciggarettes" .. I like calling them fags cause its kinda funny] and in-fact, I still have some ciggarretes hidden in an Altoids box around here.

I have smoked pot before. Only once though -- it did nothing for me.

I have arachnaphobia, along with claustraphobia.

About 5 years ago I used to hate on Korn and Marilyn Manson cause I thought they were retards. I hated them and yet didn't even listen to any of their songs. About 3 years later I gave them a shot and now I've been a fan ever since.

I believe that everyone is born bisexal and due to your sex [male or female] you stick with whats "right" and never really experience same-sex things.

I don't believe in the Bible, nor 'God' but I do believe there is something more powerful in the universe. I'm agnostic because I don't believe religion should dictate your life.

I used to steal things aswell. I would just take things and never speak a word about it. I dont dot that [as much] anymore. ;D

I have a fetish of guys' leg hairs [they can't be too hairy but just the right amount], calves, underarms [a little armpit hair is hot] and chest. I tend to like built up guys, but I do like skinny guys aswell. Fat guys dont really interest me. Sorry if that sounded conceited but it's true.

I absolutely hate death metal.. Deep "satanic" screaming is fucking annoying. It's not singing or remotely related. It's just being a retard.

Luckily, I have never had a boner in P.E.

I used to dream of being a singer -- but then I realized that I could never make it as a singer cause I'm horrible. Then I changed my talents onto bass guitar and I've been playing bass ever since. But in reality I would rather play drums because whenever I'm listening to music [which is right now] I'm always tapping my fingers -- and unlike a LOT of people I know, I actually have rhythem. But my rents would never buy me any drum set because of the sound factor.

The first CD I ever bought was Deana Carters, "Did I Shave My Legs For This?" Which was [shockingly] country. :-/ I liked her at the time and I still respect her.

I have attempted suicide about 4 times in my life so far, even though I believe that suicide is self-centered. None of which my parents have any clue about.

I have gotten drunk before.

I have about 8 pills of vicodin stashed and ready just in case I ever may need them.

I get easily aggitated and pissed off with people that lie, are phony, homophobic, hypocrites and are conceited.

I believe I may be completely gay.

I have actually shaved my legs once. I didn't like it afterwards and have never done it since.

I never get caught up in politics and religion cause I believe them to be a waste of time and make people miss the bigger picture.

Oh, I almost forgot. I almost had sexual intercourse with my first girlfriend in a jacuzzi. I was about 11 I think and still in Fremont. We didn't know what we were doing. Basically -- all I did was rub my [bleep] against her asshole. I DID NOT HAVE ANAL SEX THOUGH.

I believe I have a problem dealing with depression.

I personally don't like feminem guys but I can accept them for who they are. It's just I don't think I could ever be completely attracted to a really extreme feminem guy. They just don't attract me. I like manly men. Haha.

I used to belive I was a girl trapped in a guys body.

I have a very low self-esteem of myself.

I doubt myself about 95% of the time.

I sometimes paint my nails -- but only the color of black. :D

I have a problem with saving money. I cannot keep any amount of money for more than a month without spending it on CD's or something.

Over my lifetime, I have had well over 3,000 CD's in my possession. Many of which have been brought back to the store to trade in for other CD's.

When one of my idols, Lisa "Left Eye" Lopes died, I wore a black patch under my left eye as rememberance for a month while I was still in Jr. High. I was teased for it almost everyday but I just ignored them and continued with life. When I look back on it I feel proud that I stuck with it and did something that really meant a lot to me.

I have only slept over at 2 girls' houses. Ashley B's house at new years and when I was about 6 over at my friend Shaunas house. My parents think its innapropriate for me to sleep over at girls' houses. Only if they knew its more innapropriate for me to sleep over at guys' houses.

I only know of about 3 gay or bi guys in real-life.

I don't use socks as a masturbation enhancer, same with lubrication.

I'm insecure about my sexuality -- or rather the sexuality that everyone thinks I am.

I have had about 5 dreams in which I have died in and probably over a thousand of dreams where I've been in danger or injured. I believe dreams tell the future.

I have never really told anyone I know how I truely feel about them. The only person that I have told exactly how I feel about is Angela because I have never thought anything negative of her.

I have attempted to run away from home twice. Both times I ended up being picked up by the cops and taken back home.

I believe if people knew who I really was deep down -- I wouldn't have half the friends I do.

The first scary movie I ever saw was Scream. Ever since then I've been attracted to horror films and I have the up-most admiration for those types of films. I love being scared and frightened. I believe my favorite horror film is Stephen Kings, "Carrie."

Ever since I was sexually abused by my neighbor back in Fremont, I always feared I had HIV or AIDS. I never knew until about a few years back when I got tested and I was HIV negative. Thus, the name of this diary and my nickname.

I never plan on telling my parents that I'm gay. Even though my Father probably already has an idea about it.

I have only told 3 males about my sexuality. 2 of them were cool with it while the other one [which was Jake, whom I liked] got alienated and decieded to block me out of his life.

I am still sometimes afraid of the dark.

One of my worst fears is being alone.

The one thing I have never been called is a cunt and even that I'm not too sure of.

I have put 4 daycare centers out of buisness when I was younger. All of which were steamed by me telling parents the children were being phsyically abused by the owners [most of which were true accusations].

I have worn make up before. But it was all in good-favor of Marilyn Manson -- nothing feminem.

I once thought I had Breast Cancer because I had small lumps below my nipples which I later found out was actually just rolled up muscle which went away after I started working out.

I used to sleep with a yellow bunny rabbit -- which [my sister] Ashley B. has at the moment because I gave it to her. I regret that decision though.

I actually thought about killing myself and having the song, "No Lies. Just Love." by Bright Eyes playing on my stero. If you've read the lyrics or heard the song, you'd know why.

If I were to die sometime in the future, I would like one of my friends [Angela or Kami] to come on my account and make a post about it so people who read this diary will know the facts. It's something that I think would be best so maybe [if I ever do kill myself] people can learn from my mistakes. ..you can't tell how you'll feel for the rest of your life..

.. The reason why I felt the need to make this long entree with my confessions was to clear my mind. To make myself feel that much more better because I can't feel as emtpy as I do at this moment..

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