[If you're interested in the Hate-A-Thon entree, check back two entree's.]

Okay, well maybe some of you still remember me mentioning my dark secret. If not, this is what this entree is for -- telling you a little bit more of myself. It's something I've told no one about.. not Angela.. not Ashley.. not Roxy.. no one. You all who are reading are the first and only people that will know it.

Well, back around when I was about 9 or 10 I started make believing things. I would go to bed at night and talk to myself about shit that happened in the day to try and figure things out. I mean, who doesn't talk to themselves right? Well.. after a while I started making up people that I was talking to .. There were numerous "people" that I would talk to, but the one that stood out the most was a guy named Lou. But he was different than all the other people.. see, cause I could actually see him. No lies people, I wouldn't make this shit up.

The reason why I never really mentioned it was cause he stopped appearing to me for quite some time.. I just kinda thought my mind had finally moved on and it wasn't so vivid as it once was. Then with the spark of Donnie Darko [when I saw the review, downloaded the song.. etc] later that night he came to me. This is why I love that movie so much. It's creepy and unique but it's strange cause I have someone I talk to too.. or more less he talks to me.

I've never seen Lou clearly.. there was always some part of him blurry. All I really know is that Lou does not have any eyes. His eyelids open and close but nothing is inside of them. ..it creeped me out at first but I just got used to it.. I haven't asked him why either.

At first Lou would tell me things that would happen in the future.. back when I was 10 I thought he was like some sort of Santa or something. No, he's much.. much worse.

The thing about it is, he would tell me accurate information.. but it was never really anything farther down in the future than the next day or so. He would say things like, "You're gonna be running tomorrow.. watch where youre running and you'll be fine." .. and the next day I was running in P.E. and I remembered what he had said and as soon as I looked at where I was running I noticed that if I would've taken another step in the same place I would've stepped on about 4 nails that were sticking up through the ground. I'm serious too, it was strange.

But like around when I was 13-14 he just sorta.. stopped coming. I never thought twice of it.. until he came to me a few nights back.

I remember it very well.. I was in the state of about to fall asleep but still conscience.. and I looked over at the door and I saw this figure.. It was dark and at first I thought it was my brother or his friend.. so I got up and stood there and it didn't move.. I got freaked out and kinda went back into bed cause I thought that if I went back there maybe it wouldn't notice me.. then in a sudden split-second, he moved from the door to the foot of my bed. I tried to scream but my voice was paralyzed. It was then I went to turn on the black light that is right by my bed when his hand touched mine. He stopped me from turning it on and at that moment I remembered .. it was Lou. I stared at him for a second and realized he'd kinda changed.. He was either wearing eye makeup or had major bruises around his face.. he still had no eyes.

He told me that the day I go to Sacramento, I'll run into a man.. and to stay away from him because he's a closet child pornographer and kidnapper. At first I knew it was a lie cause I had no clue I was going to go Sac at the time. I stared at him and somehow he read my thoughts and told me to trust him. I know it sounds pretty strange to trust someone that's all in my mind.. but you don't understand how real he is.

After that he just kind of vanished.. he started walking to my door and then disappeared.

Then that very day my dad told me the next day he's going to Sac and if I wanted to come.. [this was what I updated with yesterday.. when I went to Sac] so I went and here's the little details that I left out of that entree.

While we were leaving Baja Fresh, my father and step-mother went to the bathroom and I just started heading back to the car. As I get about 4 cars away from our car a man grabbed me on the shoulder .. and in a split second I knew this was the guy that Lou had told me about. He looked me in the eyes and told me that I needed to come with him cause he was a part of the police force and it concerned my family. I gave him this confused look and looked back to Baja, I saw my rents leaving and coming towards us but they couldn't see this guy from the angle he was at. I got loosened from his grip and ran to my dad and told him. By the time we got to where the man was, he was gone. I can't even remember what he looked like! It's like that part of my memory was erased or something. But I'm not making it up.

I have no clue what that means, if you have things inside your head that come to reality and can touch you and talk to you while them still all being in your head. I don't know if it's an illness or what.. I just don't want that to be a factor as why people can't trust my words or something.

But Lou only seems to come when I least think of him.. while still in the state of about to fall asleep but still conscience. I haven't seen him since that one night. But now I know he's still around.. and he has the most sensual voice.. I don't know who it sounds like but.. it.. everytime I hear it I think it's so .. I don't know anymore.

Well.. I guess that's my dark secret.. I hope I'm not mentally ill or something. ~_- But most of my issues are pretty deep. I get depressed and angry really easily, I think a lot of strange thoughts and now I'm back to seeing made up people in my mind who tell me what happens in the futrue. Life is pee-chee ain't it?

Besides from that though, I have to choose classes for my school year down here in Grass Valley. It sucks, NU doesn't even have any computer classes. Or Journalism.. Those things I wanted to take, but I'll probably end up taking intro to photography [cause like Angela, I too like photography], performing arts [like Kami] or arts and painting [like Roxy]. Heh. Yeah, but other than that, it's very boring and dull. I hope I find some cool friends in those classes .. :-/

On MSN, I changed one of my interests on my profile to "Gay & Lesbian" and I've gotten 2 guys so far that have emailed me asking if I wanted to talk with them online.. I added both of them, one is from some really far away foreign country but he seems cool and the other is some guy that just emailed me saying, "hii sweetie, wanted to know if you were interested in chatting with me." :) It made me smile. Heh, seems I'm getting some responce with some guys now. It's all nice on ice, alright?

And it makes me float free to feel how small my life must be.

Today hopefully my dad will take me to blockbuster. He told me he would and I need to go there to see if I can find Donnie Darko. While I was over by Borders I checked the Blockbuster around there and they didn't have it for sale. I think it's off the shelves cause well.. it's popularity time has come and gone. :( I'm gonna ask em if I can order it somehow or something.. I would love to have that DVD.

I talked to some girl who added me to her MSN messenger that found me out through my online diary last night. We talked for a good hour or so, I don't recall. But I think it was the first time I was invoked in a conversation with someone -- I haven't felt that way since Angela left for Minnesota [which she should be back today or tomorrow!!] which was cool. Her diary is in my favorites, her names Heather and she's hella tight. ;D

I'm thinking I need to trim my "mohawk" [even though it fucking isn't, its like a fucking buzz cut gone wrong and looking like MC Hammer] cause the front of it is a little longer than the rest.. I dont want it TOO short but I want it so it's kinda even and it can grow together ya know. Plus, it'd look a lot better with the wax I got for my hair. Yup, I found some wax shit that my neighbore gave to me in Granite Bay that I never used simply cause I didn't need to and now I need it if I want my mohawk standing up so yay. Funny how things happen and they mean so much more later on with time.

I'm listening to, "Gabriel" by Lamb right now. This is the greatest song.. well it's right up next to "Mad World" by Gary Jules. You all have to try and find this song to download or whatever. It's a beautiful song and the music video [which was on the DVD thing that came with the CD ::thumbs up::] is really cool. So check em out if you're bored and wanna find a new band to like. I would also recomend, "Scratch Bass" and "I Cry" by Lamb aswell. Great songs.

Well, I'm done updating for right now. Later on I'll probably have another diary-famous entree of hot guys. This time I'll expand my tastes a little bit.. hehe, how do ya like that? :)

Try to do something fun today if you can.. Tell your girlfriend or boyfriend you love them.. and mean it. Give your brother or sister a hug.. Wave to a stranger and smile.. do something to touch another persons heart -- who knows? It may make their day.

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