Maybe you all have noticed the minor changes I've done on the diary.. like the marquee.. the font.. so forth. But what�s worth change when no one seems to accept anything anymore?

It seems like every time someone sacrifices their self to try and fit in.. they just get rejected anyway. There's no use anymore. People should just stick to being yourself. No need to try and please others when you're continually emtee on your self-worth. You need to do something for yourself now-a-days. It's a gimme-gimme world out there.. learn how to say no to society.

Maybe we're all over-burdened by our morality. Our sense of what's right and what's wrong has been scattered... no longer do we have free thought.. we're told the truth through TV, movies, music.. etc.. No need to be a free-thinker!! Might as well slap a sticker on our asses and call us Drones: we have no life.

Since when has looks become a factor with getting to know one another? Just because someone is a "goth" doesn't mean they're continually depressed. Just because someone looks "punk" doesn't mean they skate. But somehow when you see these kind of people you assume that they do, don't you? We all do, it's a problem of our minds.

It's funny... I stay in my room all day and do nothing, but then when we do finally do something I rush to the bathroom -- put on my bracelets, necklace, watch and beanie just to look good. It's a sad thing that I just can't go anywhere without feeling un-confident. I have to rely on petty material items to make me feel better about myself. Yes, I think a lot of people do it.. but every time I think about it.. it makes me feel ashamed. I wish I had the looks and the confidence to just get out of bed, get some clothes on [anything I wanted without thinking if it looks "good on me"] and go hang out somewhere. But nope, never have been able to do that. Sure, every bit of my clothing is what I want but I still catch myself questioning if I look good or not.

Funny how ridicule when you're younger makes you think so much different when you're older. Calling me "fat" "a fag" and "ugly" sure did make me feel so much better about myself.

"Everybody knows its you
I should leave you alone
I should leave you to be
I should learn to let go
You'll be safer now.. Everybody loves you."

--"Safer Now" by Mandalay

Those are also the lyrics in my marquee. Makes me feel even more alone right now. I'm talking to way too many people online.. people just can't seem to get enough of me. But who can I blame? Myself. I put myself out there too much only to realize I'm not really that type of a guy. Yes, I'm very outgoing and funny.. but .. I bet half of them wouldn't talk to me in real life if they had the chance. They just wouldn't.

Yes, I know this is turning into a pity entree. I'll change my entree before I annoy someone more than I already have.

I'm beginning to wonder what I'm going to do once school starts. All those faces.. all those voices.. the uncomfortable moments when the bell rings and I'm no longer in a secure area due to the teachers rule of monarchy. What do I do then? I have no place to go.. probably won't have friends by then either. I'll need to bring along my trusted notebook and cd player to survive. Who knows? I might have some by then.. I can only hope.

I recently joined: http://www.bolt.com, where you meet new people .. [hah, yes like I need to meet even more..] but I wonder why they have sites like this? Why don't people just get out more? Is it cause people like to fuck around online and not have to worry about being shown to the other person for who they really are? Ah, yes.. the comforting shield of a computer screen. No one could ever tell who you really are, you could get away with anything. I could meet someone and tell them I have black short hair, muscular, brown eyes and tan.. but we ALL know that's a fillthee lie, but they wouldn't know -- now would they?

I think the internet is a safe haven for liars and cheaters. It's no longer as safe as it once was.. there are people out there talking to little boys/girls that are like 40 years old hoping to get them into their bed.. people who are serial killers stalking other people.. you can never be safe anymore. Its a new level of insecurity..

Sometimes I wonder if every machine there was were to go against everyone. I know they have no will but have you noticed almost EVERYTHING is machine operated? Lights, TV's, phones, CD's, water, cars, etc.. We would all be fucked. People take these things for granted too. You never hear that sort of thanks in prayers before family dinners, do ya?

And what makes everyone think there is a God up there? How can you put so much faith into something so unexplained and unproven. There are no facts .. the Bible -- was written by PEOPLE not GOD or JESUS. What makes it so special? What if all those people who wrote it were all in a cult to try and make the people falsely believe in nothing? What if they were high at the time? What if Jesus was a madman? What if God isn't God but an animal? Do animals believe in God? Do ants go to heaven? Where does God live anyway? Can't be "up there" cause where's your location of "up there"? Have you forgotten the worlds a sphere.. there is no "top" .. Is heaven an imaginary state of death? Have you forgotten your brain dies too? What makes our soul go to heaven? Have you noticed that maybe no one really has a soul, since we're operated by our brain and organs.. there is no spirit -- it's all brain operated.

And please, don't email me or leave a note saying I need to find the Lord and all that shit. I don't believe in God and the Bible.. I'm Agnostic.. I think there may be a higher power but I definitely don't believe in God and Jesus and whatever. I don't need people to tell me what to believe either. I'm tired of insecure people being swept up in the tide of Christianity. Being spiritual doesn�t mean you have to read the Bible, pray or believe in God. Ignorance.

I'm not sure where I stand anymore. Probably more into the science over religion field. But who knows, that may change with time.

Have you heard about that famous writer who once said that out of every word combination and words the phrase, "Cellar Door" was the most beautiful one.. what do you think of that?

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