Wow.

Never go on a 2 hour walk wearing a black sweater and big baggy black pants at night and come home around 9:40PM. Especially when you live on a hill.

Anyway..

I got back from my 2 hour walk, in which I was wearing a black sweater and big baggy black pants, at around 9:40PM and I come online real quick to check my email before I hopped into the shower, and I got an email from my friend Stephanie, whom I met online through my MSN profile. I won't paste it cause it's really none of your business, but lets say it was shocking enough to let me know things could go awfully wrong if she didn't get any response.

I'm very worried about her. I emailed her back.. I hope she gets it and emails me back. Anyway..

I wonder why people get so suicidal. Well, actually, I should know since I've been suicidal a lot of times in my life. But I mean.. now that I think about it. Suicides are selfish. Taking yourself from all your friends and family is not right. I think it's selfish to do that.. to take away someone else�s friends/brother/son/cousin etc.. It's not right either. I mean, no one can guarantee that you'll have another life after this.. no one knows for a fact. You just gotta deal with this life. Plus, everyone seems forget life�s simple pleasures.. I mean, I wouldn't kill myself and my main reason is my friends and music. I live for my music and my friends make me go on with life. It's an upward struggle but once you get the crap out of the way -- it's nothing but clear skies and palm trees ... well maybe not the palm tree's but who really knows? Haha.

It's funny how you can get to know someone in a short amount of time and they can turn around and something like this hits you full force. Of course I don't want her to be hurt cause if something does happen -- people will look at ME as the person who had the chance to help her.. and I would feel bad for a very .. very long time about not responding. We even had things planned! She was gonna talk to this bi guy at her school for me and she liked him so I was gonna try to get them together.. and plus she was really cool. She has more grammar skills than I do!! I'm impressed!

It's funny how people look at you and make assumptions about things. I wonder why people do that.. it's probably a subconscious thing that we all do without knowing. On my walk I noticed about 4 people that were looking at me funny.. well it WAS like 80 degrees and I was in all black dressed like it was fuckin' hailing, but that's beside the fact. If I were to see myself walking down the street, I'd be pissed off.. haha, yeah it's strange huh? I don't know.. but at the same time I'd really like to get to know him. I'm drawn to mysterious people. And I like to think I'm a mysterious in person. I'm not a very revealing person at first but once I know you I spill everything.. just like I do with this diary! Yay.

::dissolves into liquid .. makes his way to subway .. appears in human flesh .. walks over to Jarod .. beats the shit out of him and then steals the olives and runs back home::

WOOHO!! OLIVES!!

*ahem* Anyway. I finally called Trevor today. Man, it feels great to hear how everyone reacts when I call or something. He was shocked and so excited. I may have just made his day. :) We're planning on going to Roxys party on the 1st and then like on the 4th I can come to his house and spend the night for like .. 4 days and have his bday party too, since his is on the 10th. :D I'm excited. Shit, that means I gotta get him something! FUCK! AHH!!! OH SHIT!! I FORGOT ABOUT ROXY'S PRESENT OMG!! AHH!!! ::dies::

..fuck..

I don't have any money either.. but she gave me my bday present late so she'll have to wait for hers too I guess.. I wonder what I'll get her.. Hm... HUahha, I should get her a Johnny Depp poster.. if I can find one.. She loves Johnny. Hehe.

Anyway ::boring entree:: Yay.

Today I looked at the mirror and man.. Okay.. I never really noticed how THIN my fuckin' legs are. I can take my two hands and cuff them around my whole thigh. That's fuckin' skinny ladies and gentlemen.. And I hate it. So, in retaliation of my continuous thin-ness-like-disease .. I've devised a plan to gain weight! Yay!

I'm going to be eating every hour or so.. like a snack or something.. I usually don't eat breakfast.. eat lunch around 3 and then eat dinner around 6 then nothing.. Maybe a snack at like 2 in the morning before I go to bed if I feel like it.. but I realized I have a problem when I was eating dinner tonight and couldn't finish ONE slice of pizza cause I was full already. Now, what the fuck? I used to be able to eat like 4 or 5 slices at a time. Now not even ONE? I have LOST weight since I moved.. it's all due to my unhealthy computer habits and how I manage my time.

So I hope that I gain about 20 lbs of good ol� fat that I can then change into muscle.. So what I'm gonna be doing is eating twice or more food than I usually do and then exercising so it turns into muscle! It's a fool-proof plan! I'm a geniuos!! .. that word looks like it's spelt wrong .. doesn't matter, cause I was just joking anyway..

Before school starts I want to have bigger thighs, a defined chest, bigger biceps, bigger calves.. and a more proportionate face. :) Yay for my insecurities!

It's sad that I used to think I was fat.. ::sigh:: Now I have an under-weight problem.

Ya know, you hear about how the world is so over-weight and all that shit.. what about all the people that are under-weight? Or normal? How come they don't get a spot on the news? The news is always so negative, nothing positive. I never pay attention to it anymore anyways.

Well, that's it for all everyone. Tune in next time for more rambling about my insecurities, thoughts, angers, sadness and everything in between! Oh, and I'll also be making an entree devoted to my friend Leah in Miami.. which I will HOPEFULLY be visiting sometime so I can check out all the hotties at the beach down there.. mm... haha anyway, so there will be one made for her since she'll be doing on for me soon too. :) Yay for that.

Ta-Ta for now..

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