Earlier I was doing my Spanish homework as I was listening to my Bright Eyes mix CD and when I got to this certain word (cerrar) and this certain part of the song ("I don't want to lay here anymore..") I looked at my Spanish homework and I had a flash reoccurring memory that I had a DREAM of that about a year ago of that VERY moment. It was fuckin' strange.. In my dream, I remember I looked at a piece of paper and looking over what I wrote to the side of it (I wrote the English parts of the Spanish words to the left) and in that song I remember that very verse, like.. I couldn't remember it before but now that I've heard the song I knew that that part was it! It's so strange. That's one example of my theory that our minds control our future.. thus causing "de ja vou" .. or however you spell that.

But guess what I found out today while changing down in PE?! My locker is RIGHT behind the really hot guy that is in my Music Lab class. We don't have the same PE class but we have PE at the same time. So my locker is at the end of the isle thingy and there's this .. mirror thingy at the top of the ceiling kinda bent down so we can look into it (duh, it's a fuckin' camera.. ew, I just realized that's gross.. well.. having people observe you change) and I was looking into it today while changing to see who was on the other side and I see him! I think his names Grant (I'm 90% sure it is) and I saw him change.. :D ;) And my GOD he has a fuckin' hot body. (Haha, makes me remember of the part in Dumb & Dumber .. "..he must work out" .. okaaay.. never mind then..) But yeah, I'm so happy that I can now watch him change.. HEHE!! How fuckin' marvelous is that? All I can say is I'm one happy camper..

But classes are so annoying now. English class I wanted to sleep but .. god damn it .. the seats at NU suck ass. They hurt. So I didn't sleep, and we were reading some book.. and I was like .. "shut.. the fuck up" but nope, no one cares.

PE was fun.. and you know why.. ;)

World History was okay.. we actually did work today. :(

Lunch was the best. Liberty, Lucy and Lana (w00t! I remembered their names) are really fun to be with. I'm starting to become more .. 'outgoing' with them now at lunch. We talked about the scary military kid (seriously, there's this kid that wears camouflage every day of school. No shittin'.) and .. junk like that. The only thing is.. is that I want to know more people. I want some GUY friends. Some GAY GUY friends. But sadly, Danny (the gay guy that Katie knows) has 5th lunch rather than my 4th lunch. :( How sad. But sometime.. she'll have to introduce me to him. I think I look kinda cute with my hair black now.

Oh, I dyed the top of my hair black.. not the .. surrounding hair but just the top where I spike it and the such. So yeah, it's okay.. kinda looks like I spray painted my head, but whatever. I'm going to be putting green (washable.. ack) dye on the tips when I spike it tomorrow.. unless it's rainy.

Uh.. math was boring (fell asleep in it) .. Spanish was eh (was gonna fall asleep in that) .. Music lab was OKAY .. which is disappointing since I look up to that class so much. It's just that I don't talk to anyone in that class. I even started to sleep in that class.. :( There's this group of people that talk and shit at the side of the room, where Grant sits as well (but he's not really social with them) and I wanted to go to the group and talk too but I didn't want to intrude and shit. It pisses me off cause *no offense* but there's this really STRANGE geeky guy that's in the group and I swear.. I could so take his place and I KNOW I'm way interesting than him. *just judged him but doesn't care* He's just.. *hates to say this* ugly. *turns into prep* Whatever, I'm so hotter than him, my god. *paints his nails* .. just playin.

As soon as I got home from school, I went and did my homework (where I had de ja vou .. or whatever) and then took a 2 hour nap listenin' to my Bright Eyes mix CD. I think I needed it but it didn't really help. I need to spend like a whole week sleeping. That would be what I need. I feel like I'm in the mood to write poems and stuff but I just feel too lazy. I think I�m gonna bring my poem book tomorrow to school and write it in when I�m bored or whatever. I don�t start drums in Music Lab till the day after tomorrow. Eh..

I want to be back in Granite Bay. I want to be with my friends again.. over here I have to find ways to make it seem like I have something to do.. somewhere to go.. over in Granite Bay I knew everyone and no one really cared.. over here.. no one cares. But my image has taken a huge blow since I don�t know very many people. I keep changing myself to fit other peoples examples and thoughts of good friends but I�ve forgotten who I am. I don�t know WHO I am anymore. I mean, I don�t even feel myself anymore. I�m afraid of change.. I�m anti-social.. I put off the impression that I�m a �badass� and don�t need anyone by my side when it�s the opposite.. I don�t want to be alone.. and I�m not alone but I need more security.. more stability. I want to have a friend that needs me.. not the other way around.

�I wonder what its like walking by your side. To think before you talk and to move at the same speed as you walk. I want to have a way to keep you in my state. I�m watching from above, I love it but it�s not for me..�

Meh meh meh.. *bitch bitch bitch*

�Well you get what you give.. and hell yes I lived. But if you live as you learn, I don�t think I can learn with the sun in my eyes, surprise.. I�m living a lie, but I don�t seem to learn..�

I�m gonna go now.. I miss everyone back in Granite Bay. I wish I was there cause me being openly gay would�ve been so fucking great.. especially cause I could have my friends stand up for me and I could get the word out and such. *sigh* But that will never happen.

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