Hm.. I'm purely and utterly bored. I've been talking to this guy I met online through my FTJ profile.. and it's starting to bore me. Gesh, I need to find some cute, interesting and intellectual guys that live HERE not in Washington..

I'm glad it's the weekend. I don't know why but I feel like my insides are just falling apart. Today in Music Lab, Racheme started cutting my knee and leg.. I didn't even feel the cuts. I bleed till the blood starts to crust. It forms quite nicely as a nice symbol of my now-growing numb body.

I wrote Katie a letter today and got Ty's alternate email. Hehe, I'm hoping he'll come online tonight or something.. I want to like.. actually do something this weekend. But I'm sure on Monday (since I have a half day of school that day), Liberty, Lucie, Lana and I are gonna go see a movie. How exciting.

I'm hungry. I want to eat out tonight. I'm tired of constantly gnawing on in-edible food in this piece of shit house. I came home today and realized my parents were gone and then discovered I didn't bring my wallet to school (which has my house key on it) so I was fucked for about 20 minutes.. luckily my dad and his friend came back from where ever they were. And now I'm free to use the computer as long as I want since it's the weekend. Hopefully Danny or Ty will get online [by the way: Ty was looking so cute today, oh my god I was like.. wooing over him =P]. I wanna go do something with them so badly. I wonder if they drive.. Ty does, I know that.. hehe, how awesome! He could like.. pick me up at the school.. *turns into a gay stereotype and raises his voice and gets femme* and like yeah! It would just be so perfect! I could just stab someone! ahe!

Heh, just kiddin' about the gay stereotype.. Miranda had a dream about Danny and I meeting. Isn't that kinda strange? Haha, she must've been thinking about us.. ;) She just said that in her dream, Danny and I met and were talking and being all happy and stuff.. haha, how strange.

Well, I'll go to college and I'll learn some big words and I'll talk real loud -- goddamn right I'll be heard.. You'll remember the guy that said all those big words he must've learned in college.

I'm starting to draw blanks out of the open hat of my imagination.

Ehh.. I need to stop thinking about my love life. I already know that I'm not that attractive and not that appealing to most people but I keep asking myself those questions and keep coming up with the same answer.. and yet I still do it. I guess the reason why I wanna talk to Danny and Ty so much is cause I'm hoping that they are interested in me.. I would like to have a boyfriend so badly. And I'm hoping Danny or Ty could be one of my firsts? I don't know, that would never happen though cause I think Jordan and Ty are going out (or so what Katie heard) and I'm trying my best to socialize with Danny and Ty but they're not really .. acting like they want to.

Well, Sorry if I don't dress preppy.
Sorry if I don't listen to pop 24/7.
Sorry if I don't wear tight shirts and tight pants.
Sorry if I don't read Cosmopolitan or whatever.
Sorry if my skin isn't perfectly clear and my hair isn't perfectly trimmed.
And Sorry if I act "straight" (if there is such a way).
[And in NO way am I saying that those charactoristics makes people gay.]

I just dress the way I want to, just cause I found out I'm gay last year doesn't mean I'm going to switch my music style, clothing style and attitude to suit my homosexuality. I'm acting the way I was acting before I knew I was gay. And I don't think that anytime soon I will 'cause wearing Abercrombie & Fitch/GAP just isn't my thing. I'd rather stick to retail clothes and/or Hot Topic (even though all these fucked up prep girls/guys go there now.. fuckin' bastards)..

Hm.. Danny just got online. I think he's probably reading my email.. well, since I don't want to seem like an obsessive little freak -- I won't IM him unless he IM's me or just wait about half an hour .. I mean, I don't have to IM him every time he's online. But I'm glad he is, just hope when I start talking to him that he'll be receptive to wanting to hang out. I mean, I can't be too ugly/boring .. can I?

Well, he just emailed me back..

"Hey,
Well acutally i don't think i can do anything this weekend see its my birthday on monday and so i am going shopping in san fran all weekend, and to be honest i don't know if i would be compltly comfortable nothing agaisnt you at all ! i am just kind of in a werid spot right now and i am not really in the hang out mood! i am sorry! but maybe after a while ! ok i am sure i will see ya around ! Ciao Ciao !"

Nice.. Woo.. look at my hopes go crashing onto the cutting board floor! Oh my! Look at them shatter!

I'm trying to talk to Danny online but he's not responding. Isn't it great when you have thoughts of all this stuff you could do with a certain person and you find out they're not feeling the same way?

Soon all the joy that pours from everything makes fountains of your eyes because you finally understand the movement of a hand waving you good-bye.

Eh.. now that Danny is no longer a possible good friend of mine.. I guess all I got now to kinda work on is Ty -- and with Ty I bet it will be the same. Ty's older than I am and I don't know.. I don't know if our personalities will match but who knows. Maybe he can come online soon enough so I can get another disappointment out of the way and finish watching my heart crumble before my eyes.

These streets are just dead ends. So I won't ever be happy again. Now it seems that you too see a painful blue when you stare into the sky. You could never understand the movement of a hand waving goodbye. But as the story goes, or it is often told, a new day will arise and all the dance halls will be full of skeletons that are coming back to life. And on a grassy hill the Lion will lay down with the Lamb and I won't ever be lonely again. But until that time I think I had better find some disbelief to suspend, because I don't want to feel like this again.

..I'll probably update again later tonight or tomorrow. Heh, notice how I was all optimistic at the begining of the entry and now I'm crushed. Nice fluctuation with emotions huh? Took years to master.. :-/
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