Ice Cream can always seem to numb out the thoughts that flush in and out of my mind. Starbucks needs to lay off the domination of the world.. they already have billions of fuckin' coffee shops.. now they got their own ice cream? What is this world coming to?

Don't you wish that you could go back to the days when a piece of candy and some bubble gum would make you forget about all your problems and the only issues that ever crossed your mind as detrimental was how to climb trees and play on the monkey bars? When you would spend days running in the streets, playing with rocks, bicycling with your friend and climbing random trees to make forts.. When your best friend was the neighbors child and you would get into stupid arguments and then 5 minutes later forget it even happened and go back to best friends forever..

What ever happened to best frends forever? I guess with time people just drift apart right? Or is the bond just broke when someone makes the decision to simply stop talking to the other person? No matter the case, the memories still remain. Memories in which (I think I speak for everyone) we wish we could retain and re-live.

But now as we get older we realize those little situations don't match up to the everyday problems we face.. stereotypes, reputations, rumors, appearances, personalities.. they all clash into one blender and it's like someone pushed the hiatus button and we can't seem to get out in time to reach for the stop button. And we loose sight of what really matters in this world.. this life.

Ty invited me into the gay/straight alliance club at school that he just got started up. I'm excited for the club.. should be fun. Ty and Danny may not be interested in me at all but at least I'm gonna be in a club where I can meet other gay guys (hopefully) and maybe through there I can find a boyfriend. I'm not going to hope for anything though this time. I've been let down 2 times in 2 days and I think I've had enough of my expectations for a while.

I was silly to get the thought that Danny or Ty would wanna date me. How fucking stupid of me, but that's just how I am. "Like a moth to a flame, only I am to blame. What can I do? I go straight to you, I've been told you're to have not to hold."

I'll just have to continue to hold onto this single thread.. hoping one day that another person will come around help me up this cliff of depression. The single thread that's holding me from completely emersing myself IN myself is music. I feel that music is the only thing that's making me survive through all this. Even though I'm feeling pretty crappy -- there's ALWAYS a time to bump-and-grind to Goldfrapps, "Train" song.. It's strange cause in the 3 or 4 minutes of that song I feel like I'm in another world of my imagination.. Like I'm producing a music video on my terms.. Music video themes are constantly strewn through my mind when I'm listening to music. Always has been.

I know I'm not emotionally strong. I know that I cry about stupid, pathetic crap that most people would just frown at and move on.. I'm not like that. I tend to linger on subjects till the last drop of attention is out of it and through that process I loose many of tears. Maybe some of the people from the school here don't notice but I cry a lot. I do a pretty damn good job keeping the tears in at school (so far) but when I get home it's a whole nother world of my self-tourment.

Lately, I've been thinking about my real mother, not my step mother, but my birth mother. I miss her. I feel an urge to watch home videos of when I was a kid and would play around with my toy trucks and my mother would walk by with the camera and narrate while I had "the best fun in the world" at the time. My real mother was so beautiful. From the photos I've seen, she had beautiful white hair (not grey, but really blonde I guess) with gracious blue eyes. I guess that's who I got my blue eyes from. =) I know for a fact that if my real mother was here, she would've been the FIRST person I told about my sexuality. I just know it. I would've been a complete "Mothers boy" .. I would (and DO) love my mother (not step mother). But then again, if my real mother was alive today, I'd probably still be living in Carmichael. Would've never met any of the friends I have now.. Never would've even knew that (gr)Ass Valley existed. So in a very SLIM but BRIGHT light, it was [somewhat] of a positive thing she passed away. If I had to choose between having my mother alive and not knowing any of the people I do now or keeping things how they are right now.. I would choose my mother over my friends. In comparison -- my friends wouldn't match up to my Mother. It would be great if she was still alive and I still had the friends I do now, but events change the course of your history. But you know, I can't go back. [Oh geez.. "Dark Blue" by No Doubt just came on my list..] But I hope that the person who left that toy cart on the highway that fateful day suffered something horrible. Whoever is to blame for my mothers death deserves equal or worse punishment. I don't care who their death would effect, my mothers death effected mine in many ways that I can't explain -- so why shouldn't I inflict some pain on those people to let them know how it feels.

I just want a mother figure in my life besides lead singers in bands that I idolize. The only other woman who I would accept to take over the role of my mother [but NOT replace my real mother] is Patty. Patty was supposed to be my step-mother but my father then fucked things over with his selfish plans and dumped Patty. Patty is such a great person. I consider her my second mother. I'm still in touch with her too via email. We're planning on a get-together for the Christmas time. I look forward to that.

Patty also has a daughter who would've been my step-sister named Heather. She's like a real sister to me, we've been friends since we were like 4. We used to be really tight.. but the distance has suffocated most of our friendship. We still talk though -- and we still miss each other. Let's hope that my father allows me to see them for Xmas.. last time we planned a get together he didn't want me to go cause he's a selfish bitch. My father can be so inconsiderate sometimes. *shakes head*

The minute that it's born it begins to die. I'd love to just give in, I'd love to live this lie. I've been to black and back. I've whited out my name.. a lack of pain, a lack of hope, a lack of anything to say. There is no cure for what is killing me, I'm on my way down.. I've looked ahead and saw a world that's dead ..

=->