I spent the night at Nates house last night. It was fun. We didn't talk much.. but it was alright. Spending time with him is still time spent with friends.

But now I'm home alone. And like.. all these great things are happening to my friends. Nates gonna be going out with Briana, Josh (from Indiana) has a boyfriend, Danny isn't interested in me, Ty is probably gonna end up going out with this guy named Peter, Angela.. well Angela's just off in her own world, Rosheen has a girlfriend and a boyfriend.. and I'm still alone. It's like.. every time I talk to one of them I'm being slapped in the face cause they just can't stop talking about how things are going so great while my life is stuck on reverse. I mean, deep down below all my jealousness and loathing -- I really am happy for them. It's best that everyone be happy and 1 person be down rather than 1 person happy and everyone else feeling like shit.. right?

But I'm not attached to your world.. nothing heals.. nothing grows.

It's times like these that I realize something must be wrong with me. Something has to change if I plan to not feel like this anymore. There has to be something that's wrong with me cause I'm still getting no where. Nothings changed. I have no body that loves me. I have no body to love. It's just like before. Back to square one. Put the slot back in -- guess it's back to focusing on myself and my faults to try and find the person everyone can love.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm doing the right things to get the right amount of attention. Sure, to the friends I already have I'm alright -- but what about to those who see me everyday but don't say anything? Am I appealing? Am I disgusting? Am I ugly? Am I attractive? I don't know any of those answers and so I have to base the solutions on my own thoughts which sometimes end up to be the opposite of what everyone thinks.

Sometimes all I really wanna feel is love. Sometimes I'm angry that I feel so angry. Sometimes my feelings get in the way of what I really feel I needed to say.

There might be a few guys at the school who think I'm attractive but why aren't they doing anything about it?! Why aren't they in the GSA club? Why don't they let me have a sign to show that I actually do have someone out there who likes me for who I am. I'm getting tired of this change. I can't be a chameleon for everyones preferences.. and I'm starting to feel like all the things I have become to be are the wrong things to get me what I want.

Why are you judging people so damn hard? You're taking your point of views a bit too far.

If I've changed myself over and over again and yet I've met no one who seems to enjoy me for who I am.. then there really is no point in upholding myself anylonger.

Point Blank: I won't find a boyfriend in High School.

And maybe deep down inside I'm okay with that. But in my mind.. and my heart.. No. I'm not okay with that. And when I think about it -- it's always EVERYONE ELSES LIVES THAT GO RIGHT, and mine just remains the same. And I know I'm just being blinded by my rage but I don't care right now. I've never had anything "great" happen to me. I think the only "great" thing that has [seriously] ever happened to me was winning that Goldfrapp contest. At least then it boosted my confidence up and made me feel really good about myself for winning something that meant something to me.

So why can you not see, the place in your heart that was made for me? Why must you hide yourself away? And why must you fight, the way that I'm holding your hand tonight? Take a chance and give your heart to me.

I've never had a boyfriend
Never been kissed (by ANYONE, female or male)
Never cuddled
Never read a love note written to me
Never met any gay guys that were attracted to me

And there really is no reason why I should keep my head to the sky thinking someday those facts will vanish cause I'm loosing confidence and my outlook. I don't care anymore. It's like.. I'm going out of my way to please NO BODY so why should I continue to do that?

In the motions and the things that you say, it all will fall, fall right into place. As fruit drops, flesh it sags, everything will fall right into place. When we die, some sink and some lay -- but at least I don't see you float away.

*sigh*

There's nothing wrong wanting to be loved. Is there something wrong with me? Once in my life I'd like to be really set free.