Cause Nobody Loves Me. It's True.. Not Like You Do. | |
September 27, 2003 //_ 5:45 PM | |
I'm feeling sick. Roxy and I were listening to "Roads" by Portishead at the same time on Launch and didn't even realize it. Creepy. I just feel like I want to lie on my bed.. have Chris there to cuddle with me. I just wanna lie in bed next to my boyfriend and just doze off to some music. There's not much else to say. Spent time with Roxy. Things are great. Exchanged shit -- got about 4 letters from her. Ate some Mochi -- bad shit man. Fuckin' awesome. OH Grandma doesn't like my black hair. Promised I wouldn't dye it again. I feel bad lying to her. I'll probably end up dying it again in the future. She just doesn't want me to loose the color of "beautiful" auburn. I don't favor auburn. I prefure black over lots of colours. She liked my collar though. Dad hates it. Maybe I'm just hungry. I don't know. I should've ate the other half of those pancakes when I had the chance. Funny. I even contemplated in doing that since I was full then but I knew I would be hungry later on. *sigh* Father and brother arguing right next to me. Quite annoying. I have Bjorks, "Joga" playing though. Nice song. Zack from the GSA meeting wants to hang out tomorrow. I don't though. I think he likes me .. but I don't like him like that. He's a violinist though. Sweet stuff. But I don't like him. Not attracted. So I'm gonna have to make up an excuse as to not hang out tomorrow. Plus, I just wanna .. be alone for tomorrow. I think I'm just gonna go doze off to some of Goldfrapps, "Felt Mountain" CD in my room later tonight. Hm. I just got off the phone with Zeddlin. Found her online journal thing and I read some entries. Just one thing. Kinda funny how we can just start dating and it seems like on that very day, she cheats on me over 4 times. I don't get it, but I'm not mad or anything. I don't even know the situation. So I won't assume. And plus, now she knows my diary. Which is good, she'll know how I've been feeling. But what's not good is the thing about Chris. And Chris reads my diary. Oh geez. Down comes my respect and up goes the hate. This is to Chris -- who I've been *online* dating for about a week now who lives in San Fransico .. I have a girlfriend at school -- this has just happened (on Friday that is) and I'm really sorry.. I wanted to bring this up later if we ever really got serious. And I told you I'm completely gay.. well I'm slightly Bisexual. I like a very VERY little amount of girls [Zeddlin, my girlfriend, or ex-girlfriend now depending on how she reacts.. =(, is one of the very few girls that I'm attracted to] but I like guys more. She even knows that. She just doesn't know about you, Chris. Well, now she does. And to Zeddlin -- who may or may not be reading this entry. I haven't written about anything of us dating yet or that I like you cause of Chris. I was afraid to mention it cause I don't know about how Chris would feel. I do have a boyfriend in San Francisco. I don't know how things will work out with him. I can't really choose between the two of you. I was seeing how things would work with Chris before we started dating to see if things would get serious.. and now we're dating.. and you go to my school (no distance problem) .. so I just don't know. I'm fucked. Thank you very much, Sir. So yes, please let my world come crashing down. Ever so slightly.. fuck me gently with a chainsaw. *stabs himself* But it's just weird.. Zeddlin has mentioned me as a lust figure. Makes me wonder. Doesn't mean anything besides lust. I mean, I lust after tons of guys -- doesn't mean shit though cause I don't have chances with any of them. And there's a difference between lust and wanting to start a relationship. Don't know. Need to talk to both of them about it. Chris wanted to call me tonight too. Don't know about that anymore. Fuck. Zero 7 is a nice band. Reminiscent of Air but a nice tinge to it. Gotta go. Dinner. I shall update later tonight. Cheers. |
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