I believe that music is the best thing that has ever been created. There's something about having your voice heard.. your words put into others ears and have them repeat it and connect with you. That bond you have from artist to fan .. the appreciation and love. It's amazing.

That's one reason why I want to be in a band. Having the knowledge that you're infiltrating peoples ears and sharing your views.. your thoughts.. your pain.. your love with others and having them repeat your words. Understanding your views.. thoughts.. pain.. love.. just seems so radical. Even if I'm a horrible singer, I want to be a part of the band, as a bassist or drummer. Music plays the biggest part in my life. I cannot live without music. It's always playing, 24/7. Even when I sleep, I have my headphones on low with my favourite CD playing. When I walk to school, I got my walkman with me. When I go in the car with my rents to go ANYWHERE, I got my walkman. When I get home, I turn on my stero. Music is my life.

But it seems like I don't know anyone around that's looking for a bassist. And maybe I'm not putting myself out there enough but I've tried a little bit. I know there's someone out there that is looking for one.. I'll try to keep my eyes open for them. But I'm a very impatient person. Remember how I was acting when I was so pissed/depressed that I knew no gay guys and how no gay guys would want to date me? I just realized I have 2 guys from school that want me. I'm probably going to be dating one of them. I have 2 guys online that like me as well. I've had over 10+ online boyfriends.. all of which wanted me. I'm starting to feel more confident in who I am. ..and look at me switching subjects!

In fact.. I haven't even really played my bass for a while. I really should get back into my groove of practicing. One of these days someone will come along and I'll have the chance and who knows what will happen? All I know is that if I think it will happen, it most likely will. Just have to scratch beneath the surface.

But I met another guy online. He lives in ... uhm ... 3 hours away from me, near San Fran I believe, and we've been talking. He's really cool. I believe we've started online dating but we're allowing each other to have boyfriends in our own areas and the such. We've thought about meeting each other.. or going to a college together. Haha, I know that things are really far away for now but it's always fun to make plans.

.. even if plans do deteriorate with time ..

I don't like to plan about my future that much. Thinking about college and stuff gets me really stressed out. I just don't like the idea of going to some completely new place with no one I know and having to meet new people. I'm actually an extreme anti-socialist but if I'm with friends that introduce me to others I'm fine. But when I'm on my own entirely.. it's a completely new story.

I wish you all could've seen how I was acting when my dad was telling me to go ask a waiter if I can talk to a manager about getting that Goldfrapp poster down in San Diego. I was walking back and forth, I was freaked out immensely cause I can't stop my thoughts racing .. "What if she yells at me?" .. "What if she ignores me?" .. "What if she thinks I'm an idiot?" .. it's like that but x infinity and they all just rush around until something snaps and I do it and they act normally and suddenly the noises stop and I'm doing fine. Its the nervousness. Funny, when I'm nervous I yawn a lot. *instant thought about my confessions entry*

Anyways. I'm done.

This is the age when my past should be gone but it's just stronger than the aims I have. Turning the pages I used to hang onto, I was young and I have changed my mind. And I'm leaving everything behind.

xx